Pain

So... I broke down last night.  I felt so... I don't know.. I hate using the word.. alone.  My dad called me.. and I told him of the problems I've been having.  It made him sad.. he didn't know what to do..  He did say that I needed to face up to my responsibilities.. and stick it out.  He doesn't think I should leave.  I'm certain my mom will feel the same way.   They are both old-fashioned. I think there are times they stayed in their marriage just because it was what they were supposed to do.  He seems to think this is a "faze."  They won't understand if I were to leave.  I'm certain my daughters won't either.  I try to make sure everyone knows I love them. ...I came to my room.. and got online.   I was going to blog.. but needed some immediate feedback... interaction... I found that wasn't going to happen last night. I think I've become TOO needy for some.  I am going to back offline.. and just try to cope with the fact that I need to handle this alone. I've been shown.. not in words.. but in actions.. that I'm being a "pest".   I don't know when the next time I'll blog is.. or how long this is going to take me to get over this horrible feeling I have now. 

I will always be there for my daughters.  ...whenever they need me. I am going to try to take them to the county fair or something.. try to get out with them.. and show them I want them to have fun.. even if I'm dying on the inside right now.  I hope I haven't alienated them so much  that they don't want to interact.  Maybe I don't deserve to be happy..  I helped to make my mess.. now I have to live in my pain.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Not In My Lifetime.

It's 1:15 am.. I just got back from my niece's wedding.. and it was.. different .. not what I was used to.. but nice all the same..  I only have this to say about the reception... WTF!!! l guess I should give a bit of background information... my spouse wandered off doing her own thing.. as I prefer it that way... so when I happen to come into close proximity of her by accident.. she motions me over.. and has been talking to the head of the catering company... they have been talking for awhile.. and in a short period of time.. they have been getting to know each other a bit..   as I approach.. this woman.. who's name is the same as my spouse.. is saying.. "I just seem to know him.. he looks like John.. somebody"  My spouse then starts with a sales pitch of how great of a guy I am.. and what I do teaching computers.. and this woman starts striking up a conversation with me in front of my spouse.. she even talks about how handsome I am...   she mentions that she i...
Read more

Something I Have Learned Well.

It's odd how we interact with others on so many levels... one would assume by my wide range of references that I have a large assortment of friends.. In all actuality, the people in my circle of friends could be counted on my hands.. and close friends... well..  easily on one hand. I'm not what I would consider a social butterfly... but to be honest.. I sometimes like crowds.. I enjoy having groups of people around me.. I don't stick out like a sore thumb.. and sometimes getting lost in the rest of the world... isn't such a bad thing. How often do you go and "people watch" ....and then think about those people once you're gone... not very often, I'm guessing.. not unless one did something completely out of the ordinary.  I just like having the feeling that I'm normal.. an ordinary person... I just sat here in this chair for most of the weekend.. not really accomplishing anything.. nothing constructive by any means... I feel as though maybe I'm...
Read more

I'm Looking Forward To A New Year.

Been through ice the last few days... lots of time to take off between now and the end of the year... but I will get it in. I tend to not worry about much of anything lately. There's no need.. life is perfect... or at least headed in a perfect direction. I am still irritated at my boss and don't feel that I can truly talk to her without wanting to slap some sense into her... and I'm not a violent person... I don't like the feelings she provokes in me. I haven't felt those feelings before. I would never contemplate seriously hurting anyone on purpose... but with her.. I just want answers... show me WHY you would do such a thing. Not a whole lot I can do about it now.. I will just ride it out until I can go elsewhere... it won't be much longer anyway. I got new glasses yesterday. They are the first plastic frames I've had in 30+ years... black and simple. I actually am growing to like them in a hurry. I spent my time driving to and from the city on the phone...
Read more