Aftermath

It's strange.. how we know things are headed a certain way... but we don't try to stop them.. even if that's not what we really want.  ...then, all of a sudden.. life seems to blindside you with so much crap. ...before you know it.. a situation then becomes out of our control.  My marriage started over 17 years ago... and when it started, I could never imagine it in the shape it is now.  I told my new spouse at the time that a relationship requires a lot of open, honest communication. So.. why have we always had problems communicating with each other.  It was said of my once.. that I can't communicate my way out of a paper bag.  ...and they were right.. as far as certain people are concerned. I think we find it difficult to communicate with people we don't completely trust.  I am still not certain what happened with my spouse... but I guess I feel that she was never completely able to trust me with certain things..  and I was right... I've found out things about her that she has hidden all these years. I know we have to keep a part of ourselves ..inside.. to help keep us as our own person, but there are some things.. important things.. that require sharing in any relationship.  I suppose I never completely trusted her either.. as I found it increasingly difficult to communicate with her as time moved on. 

I am at a turning point in my life.  I was actually told by my spouse that I should do what's best for me.  That she can see I have been suffering for several years.  It's strange how someone so close to you can see things.. and neglect to mention anything to you... the bad part.. is she talked about our situation with numerous other people...  This has broken my trust in her.  ...it's something that I will never get back.  I hate the fact that things went on for so long.. with neither of us saying anything.  But.. we can't undo a lot of things... we have to live with what has been done.  I still love her.. she's a wonderful person.. and the mother of my children.. whom I hold dearest to my heart.  But... as I've said before.. she's like a sister to me.  After 14 years of silence, she's communicating a bit now.. actually doing a good job of it.. but.. so much has passed that can't be undone... and it ended our marriage a long time ago.  Now.. I'm just physically present in my marriage... but that will change.  She and I both know it.  She even seems to have been ready for it.  ...whether it will happen next week.. month... year.. I don't know..   I just have a goal to work for..

My daughters... I love them very much.. I have to make sure they know that.  I feel that she has pulled them away from me since birth... with most families.. it's   the parents.. and the kids.... in this house.. it's always been... me... and them... I don't know when.. or why that happened.   ...but it has.  I will always be there if they need me.   I need to assure them of that.  I only hope they can trust me... even though I am certain they won't completely understand. ...I just have to work toward a resolution that will cause the least damage to their lives.