Bleeding

Ok.. so.. I have tried going back to a site that I left.. and realize that isn't what I needed.. or really wanted. I did talk to a friend.. and told her that I am not certain about my future.. but I know what I feel.  I let her know that even if someone you truly loves moves on with their life.. without you.. you can't stop being who you are.  I really don't know what will happen.. but I can no more stop loving someone.. and replace them if they walked out of my life.. as I could replace a daughter that died.. yes.. it's a different situation.. but I can't help it if that's the degree of love that I feel. I know now in my heart that I will live with whatever occurrs.. but I also know that I can't change what I feel.. and I will never "substitute" anything for that.. I will just adjust.. as I have always adjusted in life. I was with my spouse for 17 years.. and even now.. I'd still stay with her.. and suffer.. if she asked me not to leave. But I know that isn't happening.. so it's not really fair of me to say I would.   I feel more strongly about someone than I have ever felt about her.. so.. I will let her go.. and do what she needs to do.. and let her find out that no one will ever love her more than I do... and I will be here.. I can't change what will happen.. any more than I could stop myself bleeding from a deep cut.. I can patch it up.. and it might heal.. but it will always be there.. even as a scar.. I will always feel the way I do now. I know that. I will live with that.. and that will have to do. She has my heart.. it has been broken.. and she has the pieces... I don't want it back.. I won't need it.  Right now... I just feel like I'm bleeding.

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