I Will Just Have To Work On... Me

I am slightly bothered by my spouse going to a lawyer... but I understand why she did it. I mean.. she doesn't know if I'm going to try to take the kids... even though it should be apparent that I don't want to put my daughters in any environment that they would prefer not to be in.  I understand that their bond is with their mom... and I would never take that away from them... Did she think I wasn't telling the truth about how much she would receive from me?... Well..the lawyer only reinforced what I said... I was not planning on balking about anything... I will support my daughters to the best of my ability.. I think I'm becoming a bit paranoid about trusting her though... I have set my laptop screen saver to 2 minutes.. instead of the 15 minutes I had... because she had been looking through it when I left it for a bit. What purpose does it all serve?  I am not even certain she doesn't have someone reading this blog.. but I really don't care... I try not to push anything to hurt her on purpose... but if she is going to make an effort to hurt herself by the truth.. I can't stop her. I sometimes wonder what it'll be like on my own.. how I will actually go about day-to-day stuff.. I won't be spending money right and left.. that's one thing for sure... at this point in my life.. I don't have a clue how things will go. ...and honestly I am a bit... nervous about things.. the unknown is always a bit scary.. I've been somewhat of a coward in facing certain things because I don't want to rock the boat.. but this ship has been sinking for awhile now.. a LONG while... so it's time to rock it a bit to get it sunk.  My main concern through all of this is still my daughters... my spouse has opened the can of worms on my online activities.. and if she chooses to bring it up... I am a little concerned she will get hurt.. but I can't change who I am.. and what I've done.. nor would I want to.  I can't say I don't have things to hide.. I would like to keep a lot of it from being discovered by my daughters.. and I don't know exactly what's been shared with them yet... but I am willing to do whatever it takes to get through these proceedings as quickly and event free as possible. I still can't let go of the fact that she pulled a lawyer into it.. and no matter what else she does... I suppose we truly can't trust each other at all anymore...  I will have to give her a bit of trust that she can take care of my daughters... but I am sometimes concerned about that too.

I left. I know I did.. emotionally I checked out of this marriage about 4 years ago.. that's why I came online.. I knew at that time... we were over. It wasn't just an overnight thing.. it was something that started almost as soon as we married..  sure.. we had several intimate moments.. but even during those... she couldn't be free.. she was almost never completely open with me... not saying she lied.. but she just kept things hidden.. so.. I started hiding things... started retreating into my own little world.. I let her talk me into having kids when I wasn't ready.. because I thought that's what she wanted... not saying I don't love my kids.. I do... more than anything... but sometimes we aren't ready to "settle down" .... I've been settling all my life.. right now.. I'm settling for sitting here and letting things happen rather than go where I truly want to go.. and being with who I want to be with..  for the sake of my daughters.. and a bit for my spouse... I honestly don't want them to look upon me as a monster.. someone who is trying to purposely hurt and who selfishly does whatever he wants to.. if I was that type of person.. I would have been gone years ago... without any thought to possible effects of my actions.. My spouse said that it might have been better if I had left 10 years ago.. when my youngest was born... that hurt... I was still trying then.. maybe not as forcefully as I should have been, but even then.. I had some hope of salvaging things.  I cried myself to sleep so often that I ran out of tears.. we couldn't communicate.. she had withdrawn from me.. and I from her.. it affected us so much that I started becoming more of a stranger when we were alone.. what few times that was.. I thought I was becoming asexual because I had to force myself to keep an erection the two or three times we had sex.. I won't even call it "making love" ...because there was only a friendly affection there.. someone I felt an obligation to... because she had dedicated a part of her life to me.. and I to her.. still that's not enough.. our communication had all but disappeared ... I suppose she was right in not trusting me... because I didn't feel the trust for her either... in any case... I do know my mistakes... but we were too far gone a long time ago to try to fix any of it.  I have pushed her farther and farther away.. on purpose... because I don't want my future to consist of being "stuck" just like I don't want that for her either... she's still my daughters' mother... and someone I made an attempt to build something with.  I will say this... to anyone out there... become intimate before the marriage starts.. and don't settle.. don't think.. oh... it will grow into something.. because it generally doesn't.. not if there isn't something there. I've made more than my share of mistakes.. and if I don't know anything else.. I know we're all not perfect.. I will just have to work on .. me.