Under my Hat

It's a catch-22 situation... I am too tired to exercise to lose weight.. but I know that if I lost weight.. I'd have more energy. The problem is I love food. I don't feel like I am obese.. but I'm just large enough where I am uncomfortable with my size. In 2008, I weighed 165 pounds.. and I felt the best I have ever felt.  now.. I'm right at 200.. and with my height of 5' 9" ... it's still not bad.. It's not really my size that I don't like.. it's how I feel when I am at this weight.. for me.. size has never been an issue... if you are good with yourself, then that should be enough.  This is in no way saying that anyone should be a certain size.. that is completely up to each individual.. the problem is.. when someone wants to lose weight.. and they can't find the willpower to do it. I will admit I am weak sometimes when it comes to losing some of my fat..  Sometimes I give up and talk myself into eating.. because.. I'm okay with my ...

I'm getting back into the swing of blogging again.. and for the most part.. I feel healthy about it.  I felt for a long time that I needed to just get things off my chest.. and make people see what I was thinking.. now... it doesn't really matter.  People are either going to read this.. or they aren't.. Those that do know what to expect by now.. If they're offended or surprised by what I say here, screw 'em.. I am blogging purely for myself. I suppose in the past, there were little hidden meanings behind some of the things I put down.. maybe I was hoping someone would read it and realize it was meant for them.. and that was wrong of me.. I let someone else shape my blog.  For myself, I should keep my ideas true to what I am thinking at the time.. it seems I am much happier that way.  I don't care who reads this stuff anymore.. but it is a place for me to put down my thoughts. I am glad to see the direction my blog is taking too.. nothing here about poor, poor pi...

I know I am cynical... I believe that every person who interacts with me... has a motive of some sort for doing so.  I refuse to believe that anyone chooses to stay in my world out of a desire to be there.. well.. maybe some... but for the most part.. I push people away.. I tend to do so.. and I don't ever plan on changing. It's much safer that way... I sometimes wonder why people are so desperate to put up with me.... I may have been different at one time, but that was a lifetime ago.. and I am not that way anymore. I have become so jaded in my outlook on relationships that I cannot have a normal one... nor do I want to. I don't know if it is my mistrust born out of so much rejection.. or if I have just lost the desire to care that deeply about anyone. I don't really understand why relationships are so sought after. It always leads to pain.. and at some point.. they are over and done.  People cannot sustain a relationship that cannot grow.. it becomes stagnant... and t...

I've been a cynic about love and relationships for so long.. I don't believe I will ever be any other way... even if I wanted to.  I am comfortable with that though.. it's become a way of life for me. I think some people seek relationships.. but all relationships take work. I have determined that I don't have time for anything else to work on.. not with all the other things happening ..or not happening in my life. I choose to be where I am now.. but I am almost certain that I will never come out of that. I have been through enough to where I don't believe it exists.. well.. that it is EXTREMELY rare.  It's almost like playing the lottery.. people play the lottery if they can afford it.. some spend more than they can afford.. and that's where I am.. I have invested more than I have.. and lost it all.. I am not interested in intimacy now.. I am fine with friendship.. If someone chooses to be my friend.. I welcome them.. but there are too many people who don...

I want to be like Walter when I get older.. Walter is a puppet from Jeff Dunham.. Walter is also a senile old man on the tv series Fringe. I like the fact that some people can say anything they want to.. and where people might sigh at what is said.. they say it because that is exactly what they want to say.  I think the world would be a better place if people all said what they wanted to say. Instead, we get concerned that we might hurt someone's feelings.. so sometimes we lie.. or .. at least omit things. That leads to nothing but hurt in the long run anyway.  It's because people are basically cowards.  Someone can say they are as real as they want to be.. but unless you are able to tell things exactly like they are.. you aren't real.. not completely anyway.. if something bothers someone, that's their problem.  Life is a series of dancing around issues and things that we want to say, because we're afraid of the response.. so?? Would we rather live a pleasant lie......

I believe that people need to seek drama to be happy.. or at least some do. I am not happy, but again.. I'm not unhappy, either. I am still stuck in limbo.. election time is getting closer.  I am hoping that some type of change comes soon afterwards.  I really hate my spouse having so much dependence on me. I struggle to maintain a great deal of independence, myself.  It is her neediness that makes me so frustrated. I will support my daughters.. and give them the support they need, but I know she will struggle with living because she's too afraid to do things on her own. Once I am free of my situation, I will enjoy my independence.. I want to live by myself now.  I would like to go home.. and be alone sometimes.. more often than not.  I do know that once I get out.. I will be on my own for several years before even thinking about settling down again. I sometimes feel I have never really gotten a chance to live for myself... maybe it is a bit selfish.. but I will...

I dislike throwing up. Whether I ate something  bad.. or indulged in too much food.. that's still the question, but I feel like death warmed over at the moment. I haven't been able to sit still until just now... You know how it feels.. when you KNOW you're going to throw up..  Earlier, I was so miserable, I was trying to bring about the inevitable and make myself throw up.. my body wasn't cooperating. Evidently, I was supposed to suffer for awhile before tossing my cookies.  I still don't feel great, but I feel so much better than I did.  I was supposed to go to the center this weekend and work on my final student evaluations, but yesterday just became a lazy day where I did nothing.. and this morning, when I woke up, it sounded like the big bad wolf was outside.. and the three little pigs were in here with me.. It was speaking of tornado watch for our area.. so I decided to fix something to eat and wait it out until it let up a bit...which it never did... and then ...

I am addicted... to Facebook games?    My daughters are off from school this week for fall break.  I could sleep an extra hour in the morning.. but have I been?  ...nope.. my first thought in the morning.. is log in to my Facebook so I can get things off my stove.. and put on other things. I am letting my Facebook game apps run my life.  So.. now my alarm is set for 6 am.. I reset it this morning when I almost woke up at 5.. until I realized that I didn't really want to get up... not yet anyway.  I am somewhat ashamed that I am still thinking about how I could get a few minutes in.. just a few.. it won't hurt if I have the time.. I'm talking like a true addict. I hate letting anything have that much control over my life.  I have several more constructive things I could do.. and as I think about them.. and working on them.. my mind drifts once more to.. "how long can I do without my Facebook to prove I can do without it" ...