My Soul Is Intact.

I've been a cynic about love and relationships for so long.. I don't believe I will ever be any other way... even if I wanted to.  I am comfortable with that though.. it's become a way of life for me. I think some people seek relationships.. but all relationships take work. I have determined that I don't have time for anything else to work on.. not with all the other things happening ..or not happening in my life. I choose to be where I am now.. but I am almost certain that I will never come out of that. I have been through enough to where I don't believe it exists.. well.. that it is EXTREMELY rare.  It's almost like playing the lottery.. people play the lottery if they can afford it.. some spend more than they can afford.. and that's where I am.. I have invested more than I have.. and lost it all.. I am not interested in intimacy now.. I am fine with friendship.. If someone chooses to be my friend.. I welcome them.. but there are too many people who don't know what a friendship is supposed to be. People are together as friends.. because they enjoy spending time together.. it's selfless.. and no one is expecting anything from anyone else.. Intimate relationships unfortunately don't happen that way.. People are too desperate to get their emotional needs met.. and their expectations are there.. whether spoken or not... it's just a time bomb waiting to explode and take its damage on the victims.

The online world is conducive to that.. people share the best part of themselves online.. Everyone has idiosyncrasies and issues that remain hidden from most of the world.. until people get to know each other.. it's a huge reason that many marriages fail.. people don't know the other person completely, because they haven't taken the time to get to know them.. before they plunge head over heels "in love".. and it makes them blind to the little issues that over time.. surface.. and fester.. finally erupting and causing problems in a relationship. The major problem with intimate relationships.. is that people want their needs met.. NOW... and they're willing to overlook all the little things.. not heeding the red flags.. until more and more of them surface.. and finally it's too much to overlook anymore.

I really don't know if I will ever feel any other way than the way I've become.. but I have grown accustomed  to the way things are.. right now.. any intrusion into my balanced world sets me on edge.. and I pull back.. not because of them.. but because of me.. I've said for over a year now... that I am damaged.. but my damage is permanent.. I am healed.. but the scars run too deep.. and wounds have been reopened again and again.. now I am not suffering.. but I am somewhat calloused when it comes to intimacy.. not because I want to be.. but life has made me what I am out of necessity. It is necessary for me to think along the lines that I do.. and it has been my attitude for so long that I am not looking to change my outlook.. nor do I want to.. My life is still in limbo about a lot of things.. but my soul is intact.