Content With Being Me.

I know I am cynical... I believe that every person who interacts with me... has a motive of some sort for doing so.  I refuse to believe that anyone chooses to stay in my world out of a desire to be there.. well.. maybe some... but for the most part.. I push people away.. I tend to do so.. and I don't ever plan on changing. It's much safer that way... I sometimes wonder why people are so desperate to put up with me.... I may have been different at one time, but that was a lifetime ago.. and I am not that way anymore. I have become so jaded in my outlook on relationships that I cannot have a normal one... nor do I want to. I don't know if it is my mistrust born out of so much rejection.. or if I have just lost the desire to care that deeply about anyone. I don't really understand why relationships are so sought after. It always leads to pain.. and at some point.. they are over and done.  People cannot sustain a relationship that cannot grow.. it becomes stagnant... and there are so many limits on a relationship of any distance apart... it's almost like a person can say.. I want you.. but only so much of you.  I really don't see how that works... When I thought I was in love.. I wanted to spend more and more time with that person.. maybe that's only because I was afraid what I had would end.. and they would leave.. it just so happens they always did.  I am comfortable in my own skin now.. I can do for me.. and put myself first... no more of this catering to other people.. I have learned that it doesn't matter how much effort you put into something.. or how deeply you feel.. if something wasn't meant to be.. you can't make it so.. I guess I just didn't want to realize that. I tended to feel like things were always going to work out the way I wanted them to.. but they never did.  I was always enamored by the outgoing, independent women.. because I didn't want someone to ever need to be with me.. like my spouse currently is.. but I guess if someone is able to walk away.. they will.. sort of a double edged sword.  In any case.. I like where I am now.. or at least the possibilities in which direction my life is headed.. I can be my own person.. or at least I hope to be.. and no one will require me to be anything.. I hate my life when I get in a rut.. or when I am just doing things because that's the way I've always done them.. I seek to have a bit of purpose to my life.. I have some now.. and hope to continue to grow in this aspect.. I am glad to be who I am.. I am glad of all the experiences that have gone into making me.. me.  I have fallen short for several.. am not what some others expect.. but I can't help that.. I don't plan on answering to anyone but myself.. and as I said before.. I won't compromise myself. Sometimes I am disappointed that things don't work out the way I hope.. or plan.. but I think we all have to deal with that many times throughout our life. I can tell you exactly what I am looking for though.. nothing.. I don't seek anything more than what I have at the moment.. I will live as my life takes me down the path I have chosen... content with being me.