It's That Simple.

I want to be like Walter when I get older.. Walter is a puppet from Jeff Dunham.. Walter is also a senile old man on the tv series Fringe. I like the fact that some people can say anything they want to.. and where people might sigh at what is said.. they say it because that is exactly what they want to say.  I think the world would be a better place if people all said what they wanted to say. Instead, we get concerned that we might hurt someone's feelings.. so sometimes we lie.. or .. at least omit things. That leads to nothing but hurt in the long run anyway.  It's because people are basically cowards.  Someone can say they are as real as they want to be.. but unless you are able to tell things exactly like they are.. you aren't real.. not completely anyway.. if something bothers someone, that's their problem.  Life is a series of dancing around issues and things that we want to say, because we're afraid of the response.. so?? Would we rather live a pleasant lie... or a disturbing truth.  There are many things I don't tell my family, because I don't want to hurt them.. but my spouse.. we have discussed the difficult issues... maybe not in as much detail as we will.. but they are being worked on... and I always feel better after I let her know what's going on with me.. even though I know it hurts her to hear some of the things I have to say.  I don't want to live with someone where I have issues even being in the same house.  That's one of the reasons why I want to live by myself for awhile.. I like things a certain way, and for the sake of my daughters, I have made too many compromises.. I've compromised myself to the point that I am no longer myself.  I do that out of love.. and because I thought they'd never need to know the truth.. but in reality, it is going to be harder and harder.. the longer I stay here.. I need to make a change soon... but it's still comes down to being in the limbo crap.. I love my daughters.. more than ever.. but I don't think we really click as a family... I am here most of the time that I am not at work.. but they all do their own thing.. which is a good thing.. but we've never sat down and eaten together at home.. only when we're out.... not very often.  When we're out together.. it's just in order to get somewhere to do something.  We really don't even enjoy being together a whole lot.. I don't know why.. sometimes I don't really feel like a good dad, even though my youngest always says I am.. so I say that she is a good dad too.. it gets a smile out of her.  

I have spent the weekend.. just hanging around.. watching movies.. like normal.. but there are so many more productive things I could be doing.. I just don't have the willpower to get them done.  I need to be working on my students records.. I need to be exercising to lose weight.. I need to even look for another job. There are a lot of things more productive than playing facebook games.. and watching movies.  ...for brief moments I get the idea in my head to be more productive.. but then the feeling goes away... and I just go with the flow.  It's not like there's really any reason to be more productive anyway.. not as long as I am still in my limbo state.  I try not to focus on the futility of doing things.. but it's always a losing battle.  I will stay as I am for as long as I do.. and then I won't.. it's that simple.