It's Just Living.

It's a catch-22 situation... I am too tired to exercise to lose weight.. but I know that if I lost weight.. I'd have more energy. The problem is I love food. I don't feel like I am obese.. but I'm just large enough where I am uncomfortable with my size. In 2008, I weighed 165 pounds.. and I felt the best I have ever felt.  now.. I'm right at 200.. and with my height of 5' 9" ... it's still not bad.. It's not really my size that I don't like.. it's how I feel when I am at this weight.. for me.. size has never been an issue... if you are good with yourself, then that should be enough.  This is in no way saying that anyone should be a certain size.. that is completely up to each individual.. the problem is.. when someone wants to lose weight.. and they can't find the willpower to do it. I will admit I am weak sometimes when it comes to losing some of my fat..  Sometimes I give up and talk myself into eating.. because.. I'm okay with my size.. then I remember how I felt 35 pounds lighter and realize that is where I want to be.. then I get pissed off at myself because I talked myself out of skipping that fattening meal that I really didn't need anyway.  So it comes down to my ability to stay on track.  I have little to no help in the situation I am in currently. My spouse does very little of my meals.. so I fix things that are usually quick to fix.. and mostly higher in fat content.. prepackaged foods. I am working on that.. but since we are so remotely located, my environment is not conducive to getting fresh fruits and vegetables.. you'd think in the middle of farm country, there would be plenty here.. but alas, there are very few markets in the area.  I keep saying this every year.. but I really would love to raise a garden.. next year, I don't think I'll be here... or will be busy job searching and moving out.. so it doesn't seem to be something in my near future either.  On top of the feeling better, I know I'd be more healthy if I could eat foods that are better for me.  I don't know how to actually make myself stick to my diet.. It seems as though anything I get started, I wind up not finishing it because of some excuse I come up with... I'm good at that.. coming up with excuses. It's not MY fault.. that's what goes through my brain so often.. but whether I want to admit it or not.. it IS my fault. Anything I do.. is because I chose to do so.. maybe I am trying to take the path of least resistance... I always seem to try to go for the easy way out.. but when I'm forced to make a harder choice.. and I actually do stick with it.. I feel much better about myself. Maybe it's true what they say.. the best things in life don't come free.. I think the best things take some effort to achieve.. and there is always a sense of satisfaction at having completed a more difficult task.  For example.. I don't go into a victory dance when I am able to go over and turn on a light switch.. or start my car.. but I get a feeling of pride when I solve an issue that takes some effort.. like.. straightening all my equipment.. completely cleaning my room.. or fixing a problem with my vehicle.  We measure ourselves on our successes, whether we want to admit it or not.. but successes in everyday, ordinary issues.. aren't really a great accomplishment.. It's just living.