I Have Pictures.
On my path to self discovery, I've sort of lost sight of why I was getting there. I want to be happy... but I need to maintain my focus in order not to lose myself completely. I currently have the support in my life that I feel I need for that. I don't have to be any certain thing for any particular person.. I can just be me.. and that's good enough. It's not often that we can feel that way... most of the time, we get locked into having someone depend on us for one thing or another... not because they intend to.. but just because they are so lacking and needing something in their lives so badly... they want someone to fill that void. I'm glad to have found someone that enjoys my company the way I am.. I've always said.. I want to be with someone who WANTS me to be in their life.. but doesn't NEED me there.. a type of independence if you will. Still it's my fault that I made myself an integral part of the lives I've touched... causing a certain dependency. I can only say that under different circumstances, I may have been lived a different scenario.. but I concentrate on what I have.. and what is most important to me.
I had a discussion recently about something I was able to do on a limited basis of course.. but I had somewhat of an Eidetic memory. I can shut my eyes.. and literally see images from my past... things I've read... pictures I've looked at.. It's not nearly as focused as it was years ago... maybe my age is catching up with me.. or perhaps the fever of 108 I had in 2006 did more damage than I thought. I think this is why I have such a unique ability for picking out facts... even many unimportant ones.. I can briefly shut my eyes.. and often I can see me reading this somewhere... I can even touch on events from my life.. but I've never learned to harness this ability.. it's just something that will come to me. It's not only things from long ago... I can look at maps and usually see the direction of things in my head... It has been both a blessing and a curse. It has been pointed out to me that maybe I am more emotional about things.. because of this ability.. and I tend to agree. I can see specific experiences in my life.. just by shutting my eyes for a brief second.. When I live an event... most of the time it is there when some thought triggers it.. for some things, it's not quite as easy as thinking.. I still remember so many things from when I grew up... most people might say.. these are just memories.. but for many of these memories.. I can remember what I was wearing.. what other people were wearing.. even some of the surroundings.. just by closing my eyes for 4 or 5 seconds. I also recall my interaction with other people. I don't think I'm better than anyone else.. just somewhat different than most. In a relationship, I can see the events that take place.. and they're fresh in my head... someone can tell me something... and sometimes I can pull the image of them telling me... and sometimes I can't.. it's very selective on what tends to pop up. I think that because of my ability to pull forth these images.. or scenes.. like a camera or video recorder... I was able to pull forth stronger emotions in my relationships.. My life has always been like looking through a series of photographs.. because I tend to be able to see things fairly clearly. I can also relate more to certain experiences, because those experiences tend to trigger pictures of my own experiences that I have stored up inside my head. I may be overestimating my ability.. there may be many people out there that do the same thing... up until not long ago, I thought everyone was able to see most of their life just by closing their eyes for a few seconds.. or at least a majority of it.. I've elicited an emotional response from myself on many occasions.. just by the thought of certain events. I will admit, if I try to focus on something.. as a general rule, I don't always get such fantastic results.. but when I'm just letting my brain scan, I see things as clearly as I did when I had my eyes open only seconds before. I suppose that's why thoughts of my mom in the hospital still cause me to tear up.. I still see her lying there.. her mouth open.. trying to sleep... the discomfort on her features as though she was having a bad dream.. I remember her saying how she'd like more water because it felt good and her mouth was so dry.. we used a sponge on stick to keep her lips moist.. and dad was there the entire time... I remember how horrified he looked when he realized she was gone.. even though we knew it was going to happen. Even these memories now bring tears to my eyes and cause deep feelings.. but I can see all the scenes there.. including trying to sleep in a chair.. sitting at the foot of the bed.. walking in the arboretum.. the elevators in the hallway they were brown and the walls were a strange yellow color..
...I can remember so many other events... snowstorms .. the ice storm.. and trying to cook my food on a kerosene heater.. sitting in a mall parking lot in the middle of winter.. there are millions upon millions of memories for me to draw from.. and almost every one of them is as vivid as when they happened. Some.. I was more focused on faces.. and didn't pay attention to my surroundings.. others.. I can remember the wondrous surroundings.. somewhat unique.. but every moment in our life is somewhat unique.. and even though I can remember all of these things.. and the past might help me relate to the present.. I cannot live in the past.. so I don't dwell on these pictures I have floating around in my head. I am certain when my life is over, as I am passing.. I will be able to look back on all the events of my life and it'll be a rush of so much information that it might be what sends me over the edge.. Maybe that's why they say that your life flashes before you as you pass. Well.. in my head, I have much more than fading memories.. I have pictures.
I had a discussion recently about something I was able to do on a limited basis of course.. but I had somewhat of an Eidetic memory. I can shut my eyes.. and literally see images from my past... things I've read... pictures I've looked at.. It's not nearly as focused as it was years ago... maybe my age is catching up with me.. or perhaps the fever of 108 I had in 2006 did more damage than I thought. I think this is why I have such a unique ability for picking out facts... even many unimportant ones.. I can briefly shut my eyes.. and often I can see me reading this somewhere... I can even touch on events from my life.. but I've never learned to harness this ability.. it's just something that will come to me. It's not only things from long ago... I can look at maps and usually see the direction of things in my head... It has been both a blessing and a curse. It has been pointed out to me that maybe I am more emotional about things.. because of this ability.. and I tend to agree. I can see specific experiences in my life.. just by shutting my eyes for a brief second.. When I live an event... most of the time it is there when some thought triggers it.. for some things, it's not quite as easy as thinking.. I still remember so many things from when I grew up... most people might say.. these are just memories.. but for many of these memories.. I can remember what I was wearing.. what other people were wearing.. even some of the surroundings.. just by closing my eyes for 4 or 5 seconds. I also recall my interaction with other people. I don't think I'm better than anyone else.. just somewhat different than most. In a relationship, I can see the events that take place.. and they're fresh in my head... someone can tell me something... and sometimes I can pull the image of them telling me... and sometimes I can't.. it's very selective on what tends to pop up. I think that because of my ability to pull forth these images.. or scenes.. like a camera or video recorder... I was able to pull forth stronger emotions in my relationships.. My life has always been like looking through a series of photographs.. because I tend to be able to see things fairly clearly. I can also relate more to certain experiences, because those experiences tend to trigger pictures of my own experiences that I have stored up inside my head. I may be overestimating my ability.. there may be many people out there that do the same thing... up until not long ago, I thought everyone was able to see most of their life just by closing their eyes for a few seconds.. or at least a majority of it.. I've elicited an emotional response from myself on many occasions.. just by the thought of certain events. I will admit, if I try to focus on something.. as a general rule, I don't always get such fantastic results.. but when I'm just letting my brain scan, I see things as clearly as I did when I had my eyes open only seconds before. I suppose that's why thoughts of my mom in the hospital still cause me to tear up.. I still see her lying there.. her mouth open.. trying to sleep... the discomfort on her features as though she was having a bad dream.. I remember her saying how she'd like more water because it felt good and her mouth was so dry.. we used a sponge on stick to keep her lips moist.. and dad was there the entire time... I remember how horrified he looked when he realized she was gone.. even though we knew it was going to happen. Even these memories now bring tears to my eyes and cause deep feelings.. but I can see all the scenes there.. including trying to sleep in a chair.. sitting at the foot of the bed.. walking in the arboretum.. the elevators in the hallway they were brown and the walls were a strange yellow color..
...I can remember so many other events... snowstorms .. the ice storm.. and trying to cook my food on a kerosene heater.. sitting in a mall parking lot in the middle of winter.. there are millions upon millions of memories for me to draw from.. and almost every one of them is as vivid as when they happened. Some.. I was more focused on faces.. and didn't pay attention to my surroundings.. others.. I can remember the wondrous surroundings.. somewhat unique.. but every moment in our life is somewhat unique.. and even though I can remember all of these things.. and the past might help me relate to the present.. I cannot live in the past.. so I don't dwell on these pictures I have floating around in my head. I am certain when my life is over, as I am passing.. I will be able to look back on all the events of my life and it'll be a rush of so much information that it might be what sends me over the edge.. Maybe that's why they say that your life flashes before you as you pass. Well.. in my head, I have much more than fading memories.. I have pictures.
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