I Say... Just Believe

I wonder if what you eat affects your mood... I'm actually sure it does... to a certain point... but I'm not talking about short term mood.. I'm talking about your outlook on life.. for an extended period of time.. that is if you get your eating to follow a certain manner.  I have tried to get a handle on my eating.. and maybe not eat completely healthily, but not to glutton as much as I had a tendency to do... and I'm feeling much better... I'm working on getting my life back on track... and my plan is in place. I am just happy that fate and kismet seem to be supporting me now. I am all but certain that people believe my life is in a certain phase.. and that's perfectly fine by me. I would never tell anyone else how they should believe.. the fact that someone has something to believe in at all is a wonderful thing. We should always try to have some belief... even if that idea is completely foreign to those around us. I had a discussion not too long ago, and I think that is one of the things wrong with my marriage... I was young, and naive enough not to recognize that when my spouse agreed with most of my ideas, she wasn't saying she felt the same way... although we had the same basic beliefs... but for the most part.. she was just being agreeable.. she was just adjusting herself to my thoughts.. and basically I was running our marriage by what I wanted to do.. she never had the backbone to speak up for what she believed in.. at least on most things.  Over the years, I feel like I've helped her to be more and more independent.... and since we have decided on the divorce, she has become more vocal in her thoughts.. and what she wants.. and I've come to discover that we don't have nearly as much in common as I thought we had. So.. that's just it... don't tell people things they think you want to hear... otherwise you're going to be stuck at trying to believe that way... it's a lie.. plain and simple.. you're lying to yourself.. it's much better to say... THIS is the way I see it.. but maybe we can compromise.

I noticed a new face on one of the sites.. actually it's an old face of someone I know.. but I wronged this person.. I had an idea that I might be "using" a person... not for my enjoyment or anything like that... but in trying to prove something.. and I was wrong.  I have blogged about it before... and it's one of my few regrets in my actions.. it's part of the reason why I left the sites in the first place.. because I didn't like who I was becoming... but with me, now.. I'm staying true to who I am.. I'm not going to hide anything to do with me.. I will still keep someone's confidentiality if they choose to confide in me.. and some have.. but I won't keep things from those I consider friends.. if it is about them specifically. Don't ask me to do that... I am a firm believer that secrets just cause mistrust.. and I've seen enough of that in my past to last me a lifetime.  I still have few people in my life that I explicitly trust.. and a few more to varying degrees... but I've been shown that I can have some trust... as difficult as that is for me.  I appreciate being able to feel this way.  Actually it's a different feeling that I've ever felt.. not because anyone is better.. or worse than anyone else.. it just seems the puzzle pieces are locking together and everything is working in a positive manner.  I am currently seeking my new job.. hopefully soon I will have it now that the government is back to work.. I just need to get a handle on a few things financially.... then I will be filing divorce and all will be... well?   I don't think there will ever be a time in my life where there won't be some sort of obstacles.. which is perfectly fine by me.. I am just tired of the same obstacles standing in my way... and when I feel I've overcome them.. I come to find out they're still there.. blocking me...

I had a dream last night that my sister, the doctor was driving a car.. and she zoned out... I had to take over the steering wheel and got her to mash the brakes... finally she slowly complied but there was something seriously wrong with her... it got me to thinking.. there are a few people in my life.. that I just assume all will be well.. and I will be able to get closer once I get in a better place.. but we don't always know that.. I only hope I get the chance to tell her.. actually both of my sisters.. that I do love them... and think of them.. Dad.. I tell him so.. and he tells me.. but.. he doesn't show it.. well.. he does in his way.. but he just drives me nuts with his way. So I deal with it for now.. because the shit is going to hit the fan with him when I move away... I pick my battles now carefully.. to try to keep things stable... at least for a little while longer.

My days are now brighter.. most everyone can notice a positive outlook on me.. I have a belief that I thought I would never have again... it's different this time though.. because I know what I'm working for.. I have already incorporated things into my train of thought.. and no longer think of a cold and lonely future. We have even discussed this... and amazingly she hasn't run off at that prospect.. not like so many others.. The fact is .. no matter who you are with.. or dating.. if you can't see a future with them.. then yes.. it's very possible it will end at some point.. because you are still holding on to that idea that they might not be around at some point.. and in fact probably won't be..  I know I've set myself up to be vulnerable.. but if it feels completely right.. I say.. just believe.