Under my Hat

So I haven't blogged in a bit... I've been a bit busy.  On Saturday,  November 7, I started having pretty harsh abdominal cramping, but I thought...no big deal.. I'll take some OTC medications and get rid of it...I went through the gambit of medication over the next day or so, but Monday morning still had it.  I decided my best course of action was to go to the urgent care facility and see what they had to say... they took my money asked me a few questions then the doc said.. "my mentor alway said, with abdominal pain assume appendix..."  but they had no equipment there to do any of the tests I  needed, so I got referred to the ER.  After spending the better part of an evening there... and blood urine and cat scan tests, it was determined that I had duodenitis. ... an inflammation of the duodenum. ...the part of the digestive system that connects the stomach and the small intestine.  So they gave me protonics and sent me on my merry way ...of course th...

What am I thinking... that my life will magically change... and all will be right with the world.  It took some effort to get where I am now.  ...it'll take even more effort to get where I want to be.  I do get discouraged much of the time though... it seems like I've been beating a dead horse try to move forward.  ..and very little changes.  I am hoping to take a bit more initiative... but it seems like no matter how much initiative I take.. no one seems to react or respond... it was that way with my marriage.  Maybe I'm too passive... maybe I just need to conk some woman in the head and drag her off to my cave by the hair...  I'm teasing of course, but nothing else seems to work.  Anyone who is really interested in meeting me is from so far away, it would just be a once or twice a year thing... and I don't really want to do that... although there are a few people I'd love to rock their world and ruin sex with any other person for the rest of th...

I don't know how life is supposed to be.  I'm just making it up as I go along... and sometimes I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job at it.  Wouldn't it be nice if when we were born... we were given a set of rules to follow... I suppose we are... our faith... but then we go along and start doing all kinds of crap to screw things up. I have made many mistakes in my life.... maybe even my divorce was a mistake... at least at the time I did it... maybe it was too soon.  I am not there to see my daughters continue to grow into the wonderful women I know they'll be. I get sad about that.  I did it because I was so unhappy living there.. but now they're even better off... living in a much better place.. much closer to school.  Things are not as hard for them as they were... and I'm happy about that.  But I end up crying when I think about how far they are... and how many times I don't get to hug them.  I hope they know I love them. I'm going to ...

I've been away for a long time... on some of the sites... and I'm able to get my witty bantering out into the open...  It's nice to be able to put out thoughts, but sometimes... just sometimes.. it's imperative to have just a bit of interaction. I have been pretty much throwing all my thoughts out in public... and that seems to have sufficed. My big mistake was thinking that some people care more than they actually do. I'm not saying no one cares... and I'm not pulling a poor, poor pitiful me sob story.  I've just learned that people in general are cruel.. Many times, they don't mean to be, but it still doesn't change the way things are. I think I was looking for something substantial... without the everyday commitment. I've tried flirting sites... dating sites... even a hookup site.. I've made a friend or two along the way.. but that's where I have an issue... just like love... people throw the "friendship" word around a lot...

So.. I've started going out some more... went Karaoke Friday night... bowling Saturday night.. got invited to a birthday party next weekend... I'm beginning to live my life a bit more... even if I don't have time for much travelling yet.  Most of my travelling this year and probably next will be back to Kentucky to see my daughters.   I will be making 3 or 4 week long trips this year. I will still do some travelling into the city during the weekend... Baltimore and Washington DC are just over an hour away... so I can find plenty to do there to keep me busy... and that's after I run out of things to do around here. I'm still in need of a couch. I want a particular one.. but that's just how I am.. I don't settle for less than what I want anymore... because then I wind up having issues.  I can wait... I am getting pretty good at that. I ... fuck.. another stink bug.... I lost my train of thought... the only thing I hate about living here so far.. is the st...

This my 6th week of getting up at 2am.. it's beginning to take its toll on me.. I crashed last night... a Friday night.. early.  Now.. at 3 on Sat. morning, I'm paying the price... hopefully I can grab a nap later... who knows..  I do know that my sleeping schedule might be screwed up for awhile..  I have 2 more weeks of getting up at this horrible time.. and then I can tone it down a bit to maybe 5-10 hours a week... if I even want to work that. It's pretty much up to me.   I love the confidence they put in me where I'm currently working.  They actually treat me  like a human being.  That's something I haven't had in a very long time.  I've come to the realization that I am the type of person that coerces people into using me.. maybe that's how I defined self-worth.. I know my past relationships.. even my marriage.. I sorta tried to become this... go-to guy. I think there might have been one or two people that didn't take advantage to a great ex...

Is it Friday yet?  ...I've had a somewhat busy week.. and it's only Tuesday.  Oh... Saturday night was fantastic... I went to the burlesque show. It was absolutely fantastic... and I'm not just talking about the scantily clad women... it was a new type of experience for me... and the comedy was off the hook.  as you can see by the time of this published blog, I'm still getting up at 2 or so...  which has its advantages and disadvantages. I went in yesterday and happen to look at my last paycheck... they seem to have moved me back to my old locality pay... so I'm losing close to 5000 a year... that adds up to much more if you start adding in the overtime. So I've been on the phone with them... also the center has had visitors from Washington... and on top of that.. my current supervisor had a talk with some of my students about not doing the Network+ or Security+ anymore... so much for "letting me run my own show" ...but I think I can straighten him ...

I have a bucket list... I'm not even sure what all is on the bucket list... but I hear of things I want to do... and then that gets added.  I'm in a place in my life now where I can work toward those things... I wanna fuck on an overnight train... I want to sleep in a castle... Irish... German...  I wanna see Vlad the Impaler's castle, but I'm not sure I want to sleep there. I need to go on a cruise.. that's one of my first bucket list items I've ever had.. I'm sure there are places I want to see... but to start with... a cruise anywhere... then I'll think about more precise locations the next time.   I want to drive across country with someone...  I want to visit Paradise Falls in Oregon... and pick up a voodoo doughnut there..  I want to watch a porn with someone...and act out random scenes...  I am going to a burlesque show this Sat.... I don't know if I've blogged about it ...but I'm pretty sure I did.  I want lots of things... but I...

I'm getting old... or am I .... maybe I'm just becoming more and more aware of my limitations... I can still run... or walk as much as I ever have.  ... I am walking a lot at work... I think that has built my stamina up... and I thought I could do more than I actually could.. so I find myself running out of energy.  ...it could be my lifestyle now.  Up by 2:30 every morning tends to wear hard on a person.  Speaking of wearing hard.... that seems to be a more and more common occurrence. I have an erection fairly often now. ...in that sense, maybe I'm not quite as old as I think.  It's a shame I have no way to use them.  Well... I'm sure I could... but I'm a bit more selective than that.  I choose not to subject myself to circumstances I would regret later.  We all tend to do things that we regret not giving more attention to in the decision making process. What causes us to do stupid stuff over and over again... do we really hold on to hope that t...

I am starting to get used to the hours... I think... who knows.. one day I feel like I was drug out of my bed kicking and screaming... other days I feel like I've been poured full of coffee and energy drinks... I've cut down on my morning coffee by the way... Oh... I didn't blog about that... after first moving here, I started drinking flavored coffee in the mornings... but I've decided I don't want to get dependent on that.... I still have the occasional coffee... but as I've said before... too much of anything is a bad idea... so I cut back.  I also decided to give up something for Lent... I might have blogged about it... but I tried to think of something that would be a sacrifice.. so I gave up masturbation.  I know that's not really in the spirit of Lent... as far as giving up something like that... but hey... I can't think of many other things I enjoy more... especially with my sex life as it is... I sorta don't have the inspiration at this poi...

waiting for my last batch of muffins to cool... just thought I'd blog for a few minutes.  back up for work in 6 hours... I have had an uneventful weekend as most others have been.  I think maybe I'm channeling all my pent up sexual energy into cooking... I know that if I am... I'm gonna soon be one helluva cook.  It's probable I could go out and relieve frustration.. but if I did that, I wouldn't be me.  I am very selective about those things... plus.. I have a plan... an idea of the way things are supposed to be... and I won't deviate from that course.  Yes.. I'm single again... but that doesn't mean I'll ever be promiscuous.. I plan on always being monogamous.. it's not really a choice.. well.. maybe maybe a choice that I couldn't live with myself any other way... but also I know what I'm looking for in life.. and I will hold out for that... I will never settle.. and if it takes another 5 - 10 years... that's what it will take.  I...

Do you ever notice how some people seem destined to live out the same scenario over and over again.   And if you're looking from outside the box, you can see it as plain as day... the mistakes certain people make.  Of course if you're inside the box... things aren't quite so easily noticed...  I just feel like I can say things to certain people.. and even though I'm trying to help.. it's a neverending cycle of destructive behavior.  so... do we leave people alone.. and just let them find out again... and again... and again.. that they've made the same mistake?   ...or do we once more throw our two cents in there and try to give that advice that continues to fall on deaf ears.  I guess it comes down to what we think of ourselves.  I suppose I keep saying something because I know at least I try.. and continue to try to help someone I consider a friend... even though I know my efforts are fruitless. We all have some type of destructive behavior.  I'...

I see that the long days won't be too easy... but it's worth the extra money.  I had lots of fog this morning. It took a little while longer than I expected.  I usually pick up 2 sausage mcmuffins with egg from McD's... I'm gonna hit up IHOP soon.. right now I'm cooking bacon in the oven on a broiler pan... wax paper under to dispose of the grease easily.  I made carrot cake muffins yesterday.  I put real carrots and raisins in them... they were awesome... I was asked to make some more... I think I'm spoiling people at the center.   I stayed very busy today... picked up 30 minutes of overtime after work as well as 4 hours before.. I'm glad I can sleep well... I sleep much better now than I ever have... It makes a world of difference when there's a sense of peace in your life. I can't believe the overwhelming feeling of happiness I have at moments... then I think about my daughters at times.. and a type of sadness sets in... I'm pretty sure I...

It's the first long day of many... but it will mean quite a bit of extra money.  I've found out that my tech/community college teaching stint might be starting the summer semester. I am starting to fit in very well here... I never realized that there would be quite so much traffic so early in the morning. I get to grab a bite to eat on the clock... and then get some stuff done. I  am starting to settle in here... it's a somewhat foreign land to me... 11 hours from where I grew up.. at least by car.. I don't know how long it will take me  to feel comfortable.. but I'm not worried about it.  I don't really know anyone around here... but I feel that in time, I might be able to call this area my home. I'm looking forward to it. I made this move for me... and although there are times I worry it might have been a bad decision... so much more of the time I know I did what I was supposed to do... I just need to concentrate on being the best... me... that I can be...

Not sure if this is what normal is supposed to feel like, but it feels pretty damn good. I've been working on me.. maybe that's a bit selfish, but it's what needed to be done.  Now I'm doing as I please.. I went to the city last weekend.. just because I could.. I still have Dad trying to control as much as he can.. and yes.. that's somewhat annoying.. but I do what I want.. when I want... and I've never enjoyed my freedom more.  Does that mean I'm throwing caution to the wind?  ..of course not.  I still make what I would deem as responsible choices, but at least they're MY choices to make. I am going to start going into work at 3:30 am on Monday morning... for as long as they'll let me.  I am supposed to go to take a student to the MARC station each morning... then come back and work on whatever I want... but I think once they figure out how much overtime money they'll be paying out.. it won't last too long.. maybe a pay period or two... b...

I made the first excursion into my new area last week.. with my dad, since he has a truck and insisted that I let him help. It was horrible... Not only did I have to listen to non-stop negative comments about the living conditions up "in the mountains" ...and "so far away from my daughters" but when we finally stopped the first hotel had a funny smell and was roach infested.... we didn't stay there... the second one wasn't much better but we weathered it for one night... let's just say that when you pay for a low-end hotel to save money... you get what you pay for.  Luckily I had an idea and called around the better hotels asking for a government rate... and since I had my government ID with me... I got it... so it worked out in the end... we stayed on the second floor across from the elevators and just down from the ice machine... but the first time I went out in the hall for some ice, I made the mistake of doing it while dad was in the bathroom.. he e...