Under my Hat

I really don't know what I want to blog about... but something is wrong.. somewhere... I can just feel it. I don't even have it narrowed down to any specifics... Have you ever gotten that feeling?  I can try to chalk it up to paranoia, but that doesn't seem to cover it.  I think maybe I'm a bit strange at times. It's not like I want anything to be wrong.... Maybe I've forgotten something... but then if I've forgotten it.. until I remember what it is.. it won't get fixed. I know I'm behind at work... but that's pretty much a given these days. They are not approving any overtime, even though I am covering 3 positions at work... which really sucks pond scum. Dad is coming back Monday... he had surgery on his broken arm yesterday to remove a bone fragment. He was a bit out of it during our afternoon phone call. I really don't mind him coming up occasionally, as I can deal with it... but it is almost a monthly thing now... and I don't know ...

I have things about myself that I need to work on... the first thing might be the way I become an asshole and shoot people down when I feel like they are starting to get close to me. I can't really help that... I love the flirting... I enjoy the banter... but there are very few people I will allow to get close to me... especially if you haven't earned my trust... so... I am pretty frank in my statements. I told someone that we would never be more than friends... there are a lot of reasons why it would never happen, but the main one I sited was the fact that she was polyamorous.  I won't bounce back and forth to a lot of different people.. I've stated in no uncertain terms that I was monogamous... and I meant that... I might come across in a flirty manner at times... but I refuse to be intimate with more than one person in a given era... even if that happens... it's still my business, because I have many mental hurdles to overcome.. The trust issue is still huge for...

It's amazing what one sees if he or she pays attention... I'm as much of a busybody as anyone else... at least as far as my observations are concerned.... but I try not to get involved in drama if I can help it.. especially if it doesn't concern me specifically... or someone close to me.. still it's strange how certain people can do things... and not expect it to be obvious.. or that no one will find out. I'm not sharing specifics about anything I find... but it still all adds to my cynicism.  It's like people will say or do something...and they expect that to remain a secret.  Unfortunately, online, people have no secrets. Information gets passed along under the most tight-lipped crowd. My outlook is that I really don't care anymore... I'm living for me... for the day I'm currently in... and I refuse to address this issues of unfaithfulness... or cheating.. I made that post several days ago and I meant what I said.  The odd thing is that maybe some...

So ...I wrote about my dad visiting earlier.. and now I'm not so certain he'll come... Seems he broke his arm.. and it's in a cast.. or splint ...or something... The thing is.. my dad is the type that would do something like that.. just to gain sympathy... I am not saying that he did in this case, but it was just after an argument with my youngest sister... and they're still not sure how he could have broken it in the location he was in... but it is possible. You would think dad wouldn't be coming now, but that remains to be seen... he's stubborn enough that if he wanted to come... he'd still brave the 11 hour drive with two broken legs if that were the case. I guess I get some of my stubborn streak honestly. I know I'm a stubborn person... and when I was younger... I was spoiled.. always wanting to have my way about things... I still want my way, but I'd like to think that I have opened up my viewpoint to compromising on things... and am understand...

I'm having a motivation factor issue. I want to get stuff done, but I seem to sidetrack myself.  It seems something always comes up... or maybe I'm just good at focusing my attentions elsewhere. I have many things I want to work on... but I tend to end up just rehashing some of the work I've already done... My dad called this morning and says he's coming back up... AGAIN... I thought I'd at least get a month or two of a break... but it seems not. I need to get a mattress pad on the bed he's going to sleep on... I don't know if I can talk him out of coming or not... He is irritated that my sisters won't talk to him... and I know why... most of our conversations are spent with him telling me what I need to do... and when he comes it's no different... I think I'm not going to go out anywhere... and I will spend most of my time in a different room... I've made it too fun for him by getting out and going places... at least if he comes this time, ...

I recently made a post in a forum on one of the sites I visited... the thread was titled "Jealousy and hurt feelings" It went like this: I've been off and on this site for quite awhile... and only once that I can remember did I ever concurrently get intimate with more than one person at a time.. that was way back when I was a noob and didn't realize that the site was full of people who were here just seeking someone who would listen.. understand.. and perhaps identify with what was going on in their life. As weird as it sounds, I was monogamous in any relationship I was in.. because it was a place of refuge from my non-existent relationship with my now ex-spouse. I still say that there are a varying degree of interactions here and the main thing to avoid hurt feelings or jealousy is for anyone who choose to engage in those interactions to be on the same page... I can understand when people are stuck in a marriage that they cannot leave and no longer feel the ...

It seems as though I'm at an impasse. I start back to unpack... and I get distracted.. most of the time it's me that distracts myself. I want to get finished, it just seems as though all the stuff I have left is small stuff that requires a unique place to store. Sometimes I feel like just throwing a bunch of stuff away... but at the same time, I know I will use it.. and then I'll have to go out and buy it again.  I've discovered one thing through this whole move... I have more things than I ever thought I had.  Work is going decently, but there are these possible plans that weigh heavily on me... Yes, I have the new union steward position where it will require me to go to training next month for a week... so I will be just south of DC for about a week. I'll have to figure out someone to watch my house while I'm gone. I'll be leaving a month from today... it's going to be an interesting training session. I also have fire training using GIS equipment...

Sometimes I wonder about how much of a friend I actually am to some... and exactly how much of a friend they really are to me.  There are varying levels of friendship. I try to exhibit the same levels that are afforded to me by people... so that I don't mistake something as a close friendship when it is only a casual one... or an extremely close one.. as one that is only a close one.. It's really difficult to determine how much a person actually trusts you. I have a very few close friendships... and there is actually no one that I've opened myself up completely to.. only because no one completely opens up to me.  I've learned over the years that we all keep our secrets... which is completely okay.. I am pretty direct.. very straightforward.. and I know quite a bit about 2 or 3 people... as they know quite a bit about me.. I guess those could be considered close. I have no qualms about sharing anything about myself. I do it here.. but my feelings are a different matter....

I've been offline for awhile... not having cable or internet sucks pond scum... but even when I had it back on... I was hesitant to get back on for a few days... I've been spending the weekend being productive. I haven't even plugged up my computer... as what limited access to the internet I've had is through my phone... but I'm all moved... mostly unpacked... (I still have about a dozen boxes... I've done laundry out the wazoo... and have placed most of my stuff as I unboxed and cleaned it...  My kitchen still has a way to go... but that's going to be a focus for a little while now as I have to buy some organizational tools. I was contacted by a friend today with something that actually made me laugh... that I was pining away for her... we haven't spoken for years.. but still don't text all that much.. not on a regular basis anyway. It seems someone has a weird idea that I'm pining away for her and that I'm so distraught that I can barely...

Yesterday was a tiresome day... today will be even moreso... I keep adjusting my plan. If I can find a truck, I might have everything moved this weekend... then I can just concentrate on getting stuff unpacked and cleaning my old place. I spent most of yesterday moving boxes I had packed already.... now that I have a bit more room in my apartment, I will try to get everything else into boxes. It's sort of sad that I can pack my life into boxes for the most part.. I only have 7 pieces of furniture... and none of those are really big... except for my couch.. and it's not huge.  I need to concentrate on getting more furniture at some point.. when I can afford it, of course.  I am moving most everything myself.. Dad has been good at supervising... apparently, that's his self-appointed job.  Still, he is driving his vehicle and saving me a bit of time driving back and forth... so that's something. I'm just looking forward to getting through this. I am supposed to get ...

Roto-Rooter... that's the word for yesterday... that's what I felt like afterward... that I felt hollowed out and groggy... I didn't like any part of it.. I already knew I wouldn't make a good homosexual... but my suspicions were confirmed... that and pegging.. definitely wouldn't want that either. I have gotten into the moving spirit.. at least just a bit... I've started making major impacts in my packing... so I won't be blogging as long as I can channel my energy into a positive direction like that. I hope to get it all done within the next week or so. but as I'm sorta alone in all this...as usual.. I think it'll be a slow go most of the time.  Sure, my dad is here... but I don't think he will make much of an impact on my move in a positive direction... he gets around slowly and can't carry much at a time... he sometimes stumbles a little as he is walking... but he IS my dad.. and I love him.  I will deal with what I have to for the tim...

I think I survived the cleansing... it did get a bit... tense at times... I know that if I ever wanted to do something cruel to someone... slipping them some of that stuff without their knowledge would be the way to go... I would hate to see how someone would react with that... and a sleep aid... I've always heard the two don't mix well.. I can see why now.  I have to be up at 5 am.. which isn't too bad as I'm generally up about that time anyway, but I have my procedure at 6:15... which means I'll need to leave the house before 5:45... I hope that I am able to get a bite to eat when the effects of the anesthesia wear off.. I could eat a huge portion of something right now... the toilet was bad enough, but I think the hunger is worse... of course I could probably do with missing a meal or two... Jello just isn't cutting it as far as satiating my appetite. Of course, I am accustomed to having an appetite that never gets satiated... just in a different aspect. E...

Here I sit... waiting for the oncoming onslaught on my colon.. I just took the first dosage of the super laxative about 20 minutes ago... so far.. nothing... I know it's coming though... just like a ninja waiting to strike... and then we will start our cleansing. I am still dreading tomorrow, but not as much as I was dreading today. I'm hoping I can get through it with minimal effort... I just keep thinking back to the scene in Dumb and Dumber... and am concerned I will end up stuck on the toilet for hours.  I will try to not think about it as much.  I will have to find things around here to keep me busy today... it's not like I don't have a whole lot of stuff to do that... I figure that I will move the majority of stuff I don't need this weekend... and then move the rest... and the furniture... next weekend. After that... I will figure out a time to clean this place I'm currently in... and turn in the keys before the end of the month. I'm sooooo sick of ...

My day was a very busy one yesterday... started early.. ended late.. spent a lot of money... not something I can do often now.  I had no major negative surprises.. ended up several hours in the DMV... changing my address on my license.. and finding out they sent a false auto registration notice.  I thought I had paid 2 years last year, but someone made a mistake somewhere... anyway it's all fixed now. I got a bed... well.. a frame and mattress.. I just need a headboard.. I settled for a queen. At this point I can't justify the additional cost of a queen. Maybe at some point in the future.  I'm running through my extra money pretty quickly.. which is a bit of a concern.. I need to keep some saved in case of emergencies... but I have faith that everything will be okay if I just start being wise about my spending. I have to spend a bit of time gathering a few things today.. and being at the new place for delivery of my washer and dryer... it's going to be another long day...