It's Just Who I am.

I have things about myself that I need to work on... the first thing might be the way I become an asshole and shoot people down when I feel like they are starting to get close to me. I can't really help that... I love the flirting... I enjoy the banter... but there are very few people I will allow to get close to me... especially if you haven't earned my trust... so... I am pretty frank in my statements. I told someone that we would never be more than friends... there are a lot of reasons why it would never happen, but the main one I sited was the fact that she was polyamorous.  I won't bounce back and forth to a lot of different people.. I've stated in no uncertain terms that I was monogamous... and I meant that... I might come across in a flirty manner at times... but I refuse to be intimate with more than one person in a given era... even if that happens... it's still my business, because I have many mental hurdles to overcome.. The trust issue is still huge for me.. I sometimes have all these mixed emotions and thoughts when I become flirty... because I know that when I invest myself... I invest all of who I am.. I know I've blogged about this before... but it may be a relevant thing to discuss. When a person leaves... they take part of who I am with them... and it leaves a hole. The hole really never goes away... I just learn to live with it being there.. after so many times... my soul is full of holes that make it much harder for me to function... There are too many reminders... and there's not enough left for me to survive... so I'm cautious... if I've let you close in my life, it's because you've earned my trust... it is those few people who can actually cause me pain... that can render me broken through suffering.. I know I'm broken enough as it is... Sometimes I continue to have thoughts that maybe I shouldn't... I find myself shutting down occasionally. I'm okay with where my life is at the moment... it's not like it is anything super-special, but it works for me. I know that each day when I awake... that possibilities exist, but I make it a point to stay away from those things that can really screw me up... most of the time. I know I might make it look easy when I flirt... or banter... especially on the sites... but most of it is when I've shut down my brain and stop thinking.. I was told that maybe I'm being an ass to some by flirting... then throwing up the STOP sign... I do that so that no one gets the idea that I'm open to anything... I still value those that want to become friends... but I've gone through the signs before... I know when people start showing an interest in more than friendships... so I don't want to ever be accused of leading someone on. I have a few close friends in my life... some sort of come and go and a couple I rarely talk to anymore... but they've earned my respect.. my friend zone is a crowded place... even with the limited number of people I've let in there... I give a respect to those that remain in my life... and can work through the adversities with me.. it strengthens the friendship when people resolve issues and still remain friends.. But as I compartmentalize people and put them in my friend zone... it allows me to interact without concern that they may expect more... sure.. they might expect it... but I am not open to it.. I think it's much safer for everyone involved never to open the one way door of my friend zone.. It's just who I am.