I Am Prepared To Live It.

Sometimes I wonder about how much of a friend I actually am to some... and exactly how much of a friend they really are to me.  There are varying levels of friendship. I try to exhibit the same levels that are afforded to me by people... so that I don't mistake something as a close friendship when it is only a casual one... or an extremely close one.. as one that is only a close one.. It's really difficult to determine how much a person actually trusts you. I have a very few close friendships... and there is actually no one that I've opened myself up completely to.. only because no one completely opens up to me.  I've learned over the years that we all keep our secrets... which is completely okay.. I am pretty direct.. very straightforward.. and I know quite a bit about 2 or 3 people... as they know quite a bit about me.. I guess those could be considered close. I have no qualms about sharing anything about myself. I do it here.. but my feelings are a different matter. There are so many changes inside of me that go on that sometimes even I have trouble keeping up with them. I know I simplify things by putting people in boxes... but it's not even me that puts them in that box... people do that by categorizing themselves based on their actions.  There are "friends" that I haven't heard from in years... I still consider them friends, but would I assume that I could share anything? ...Probably not. I have a few people I say good morning to on a regular basis... but there are just one or two that actually beat me to the good morning... Sometimes I get petty and don't say anything for a few days.. wondering if they even say anything at al... and most times, they don't... It's not really a major point, but I get the idea with most that if I never said anything, we'd stop chatting. There are a few that share issues... problems.. and that I feel give me more credit for being a friend than I am worthy of. It's those people... the ones that can open up to me.. that I feel have the best shot of getting close to me. I am not talking about in a romantic sense... I still compartmentalize friendships and romantic involvements... the latter is bad news all around... those don't last... especially at a distance. That's why I refuse to get involved anymore in that manner. It makes life so much simpler. I am not one to tell anyone else how to live their life, but I am always full of advice should someone seek it. I'm no wiser than the next person, but experience does count for something... if not my experiences, then the experiences I have witnessed. It seems difficult to make some decisions at times, but we all make difficult choices. I have a couple of friends that are going through some very problematic situations... and my heart really goes out to them... but I can't really do much.. except be there... and listen... that's pretty much the extent of a friendship online. I do feel helpless in those situations. I want to be able to do more... sometimes someone just needs a hug and a few words to let them know that it will be okay... even if things don't turn out like they want.. I haven't really lived my life like I thought I would.... and that's okay... I'm not always happy with outcomes...and that's still okay.. We all go through pain.. and hardships.. and difficult choices.. I suppose that's a lot of what living is all about. Making our choices and living with them. We do so much that makes things more difficult for ourselves... but then occasionally life is going okay... and then BAM!! ...out of nowhere comes a curve ball... sometimes it's the actions of others.. sometimes it's a health issue.. sometimes it's a revelation that we didn't previously know about. No matter the cause, we weather through the difficult times and move on with our lives... Adversities pass.. if we let them.  Sometimes people doom themselves by repeating the same mistakes over and over.. the same bad choices.. It's called wishful thinking... but for the most part, people don't change.. life doesn't change.. unless you start living it and make the difficult choices. I've made a few these past few years and even though I don't always come out on top... I'm striving to make my life a better one. I have faith in God.. in myself.. and in the very few people in my life that have shown me I can trust them....at least to an extent.  I still don't trust anyone completely. Maybe someday that will change, ,but life has made me more of a cynic about human nature than I ever thought possible in my younger years. I have a decent life. I am prepared to live it.