A Piece Of Clay

Officially, my first day off is tomorrow... and I am torn between being lazy and doing nothing but playing WoW... or actually trying to get things done. I won't know until it happens. I don't do a whole lot of planning on any level these days. I enjoy taking each day as it comes... and dealing with it as I feel in the moment. Doesn't mean I don't care... it just means that I refuse to let life make me worry about the day to day stuff that really doesn't matter. My housemate is having severe issues with her back. I feel very badly for her, but there's not a whole lot I can do. I hope that her issues are something someone can fix. Her son spends some time here... and I find he is a good kid, but has the anxiousness of a 17 year old... since that's what he is. I remember back when I was 17... and I thought the whole world was ahead of me... that as I grew older I was going to tame my world and have complete control over everything... HAHAHAHAHAHA! As I've grown older, I realize there are a few things I can control... but for the most part, we just have to observe and deal with those things as they pass through our lives. It takes awhile to be able to deal with that. I am a stubborn person, and as such, I don't like admitting that things can control me. I'm not ashamed to admit that as much now, because I have been manhandled by fate over and over again. I'm not even concerned about it. I realize that's a part of life. We either bend and deal with things accordingly, or we stay rigid in our ideas and get ripped up by the roots like a tree in a tornado. I feel like each day may bring some type of lesson my way... something I can learn from. I appreciate life's lessons... as it gives me something to measure my progress of growth from where I've been in my past... and where I currently am now. I hope to be much farther along in the distant future. I don't even know what that means at the moment. I choose to be a piece of clay to let life and events mold me. I need to put away my pride... put away my bitterness... put aside the negative things that might keep me from growing. I feel that life is a spiritual journey that we continue to traverse along a destiny unbeknownst to us... I think we can nudge it in certain directions, and overtime change it's course, but usually one or two events in our life doesn't shape who we are... or where we are going. I can appreciate my past... and I can look forward to my future. It has been a long time since I was that young ignorant kid who didn't have a clue. But I thought I knew everything and had it all figured out... at least the important stuff... and when I realized I didn't ... I guess I freaked out. I've been known to do that. I think we all have walked down that road. I'm glad I don't need to push in any direction. I am somewhat ambivelent about where I need to be. I don't feel the need to explain myself to anyone nor hold myself accountable to any person on the planet. It's a nice calm I've been able to live with for a period of time now... I like it. I still appreciate the input from the people in my life... even those who affect it on a small scale. It doesn't necessarily change my direction, but it gives me thoughts to feed on. I know people read my blog, but that doesn't really affect me much either. I am glad I have this place to put my thoughts... however insignificant they might be. I try to take time to come and get things out of my head... and sometimes it's difficult. Most of the time, I have no idea what I'm going to write about before my fingers start typing. I like it like that. It keeps it fresh and unrehearsed. Most of the time I get a few things out... and then I feel better... so I continue to do it the next day... or 3 days later... it really doesn't matter how often. I hope to carry on this tradition for awhile. It's a nice feeling when I finally get something out I have been holding inside... most of the time I don't even realize I've been holding on to it. There are too many times I've felt blocked and unable to communicate... even with people. I seriously dislike that feeling. I won't take all the credit for the lack of communication, but I know that it is my fault too. I'm the type of person who is willing to talk with anyone, but on many occasions, there are others in my life that choose to block those efforts. That's their choice... I also know that I sometimes avoid conflict with people in order to give them peace. Peace is overrated. I hope that when someone walks into my life with the ability to communicate openly and honestly, I will be able to recognize it for what it is... Unfortunately, I've been subjected to so many words that weren't actually forthright. I have also been the one to be less than honest about how things were... I'm glad I've grown out of that... my one true fear is that I might relapse into becoming that person again ...and not even realize it. I am fairly comfident that if I keep that concern in my head, I can overcome it should the situation ever present itself. I'd like to think that I've actually matured to that point... Maybe someday I'll meet someone who is at that level of maturity... but if I don't... I'm not that worried about it... because as I said earlier... I try to take each day as it comes.. I'm striving to be... a piece of clay