It Is Who I Am

I spent 18 hours yesterday playing World of Warcraft... don't judge me. ...or do.. I am okay with that too... I am on a vacation this week. That means I get to do whatever I want... within reason of course. I was planning on being more productive, but it's not the end of the world if I'm not. It was the release of the new Shadowlands expansion. Seems pretty fun now... especially on my first character. We'll see how detailed it gets later. I do miss playing with other people. I guess I'm just not the social player anymore. I know a couple of people who have expressed interest in getting started playing, but nothing more than a passing interest. I suppose I'll just continue in the manner I have. I popped on the site a couple of times... I like the interaction there, even though there's really not a whole lot of people now. It's a chance for me to be spontaneous. I throw out whatever happens to go through my mind on the subject matter. Most of the time I get to be goofy and let my mind be unconstrained. I still have a few boundaries I try to stay within. Most people know that I'm not being serious because of my style of posting. Occasionally, though, I do share a more indepth thought as it passes. I saw a thread on "second chances" and let loose with a more serious look at my opinion. I got to thinking about it more and more, and I have to say, I don't think there's anyone alive I wouldn't give a second... or third... or however many chances they need to be my friend. The biggest part of that is that if I called someone my friend, that meant they earned that title in my life. It means there was something I saw where they rose above the acquainance level of familiarity. I have said people were my friends and not really meant it. ...or perhaps I meant they were potential friends. There is a huge difference between being friends and being friendly. I try to be friendly with most everyone. I was told by one person on the site that I was a bad father because I got divorced and didn't put my kids first. That probably hurt me more anything anyone could say... but that person and I have put that behind us, as it was just a spur of the moment thing that was said to lash out at me. I interact with this person on occasion and usually don't think about it. The words are there and can't be taken back. But I refuse to hold on to the hate and anger that inspired in me when it was said. If I can't let go and move forward then I would be holding on to so much negativity in my life from many sources. I'm not that person. I like to think that I've matured to the point of realizing what is superficial and what is more substantial. I will always remember what was said, but I also refuse to let me past control me. Will I ever be great friends with this person? ...almost definitely not, but I still interact and deal with this person as I would anyone else... and it's not for anyone's benefit but my own. I won't let negativity have an important role in my life. I don't really know of anyone I would seek to avoid. As far as relationships go, I have had a few of those too... and they always haven't gone as I would have liked. It doesn't matter now. Those are a part of my past too. I have a tendency to push those people away after it ends because of the pain or hurt I've felt. It's a knee-jerk reaction... to stop the source of the pain. A litte over a year ago, I was dating a nurse who, in hindsight, treated me badly. She contacted me a few months ago to see if I was okay during the pandemic. I responded and was friendly, but I didn't open any doors for opportunity back in my life in a romantic capacity. I will always respond to people and try to treat them without any malice. I might even contact her back at some point to make sure her and her two kids are okay, but the door was closed due to several issues, and I won't ever be in a romantic relationship with her again. There were other people in my life I hold no ill will and will always allow time in my world. I dated a girl for a little over a year who held things in and just called it off. It didn't work out, and she gave me a proverbial gut-punch when she finally said something. I realized then that I won't be interested in anyone who can't communicate. My issue has always been that I may communicate a bit too much and say things on my mind that might not need to be said. My housemate says that I'm too blunt sometimes and it comes across as uncaring and crass... but also says that she understands that I'm not that type of person. That's my point. If someone is in my life and knows who I am, they will also understand that I'm someone who will throw things out there and say what's on my mind. I've been told I need to work on my delivery. I'm too old to change, but I make minor adjustments now to try not to hurt people with my words. I still say things that require more explanation of what I meant, but those people in my life who I've let that close should be able to handle that. If they can't understand... then they really don't understand me. It is who I am.