That Is What I Do

I'm supposed to be teleworking... but my mind is so overloaded with all the stuff I have to accomplish, I'm taking a break from thinking about any of it... at least for a short bit... I have a webinar I have to attend from 3 - 5 today... about the IT video surveillance on center. It really shouldn't fall to me, but I've had to end up doing so much outside my position description that I really don't think about it anymore... at least for the most part. I tend to do as much as I can and try to make myself indespenible. I guess it sorta paid off because I just got a nice bonus at work. Money isn't really an issue right now. I have made 3x the amount this year than I've made any other year... actually I will almost reach my salary cap... meaning if I work anymore... it'll be for free. Luckily I won't hit that... but it's something I'll have to keep in mind for next year. When I put it down like that, it sorta seems like I'm bragging... but I don't mean to... it's just something that happened... and I think it comes from hard work. I choose to have a good work ethic, but there are so many others that do also... many still struggle. I just choose to believe Karma has finally come my way and helped me out. Karma is a funny thing... we don't always know the issues that others face that cause them to do what they do. ...and even though we judge people in our own little box.. we have to think outside the box and look at the whole picture to even remotely get an idea of why thing happen. If we still don't understand why certain things happen, we just have to have faith in the way of things. I keep myself open to the fact that there is so much I don't know. It makes me sad when I see other with closed minds or closed hearts... I am still constantly working to keep mine open, but I don't always succeed in doing that. My mind is much easier to control than my heart. I actually don't want to open my heart completely. It tends to get messy in the long run... based on past experiences, anyway. It's really no fault but my own... I don't place blame on anyone else, because as I've said many times... we can't control other people. There have been times I'd like to have had that control... and possibly have made the attempt, but I was wrong it my thinking. I know I joke about "never being wrong" on many occasions. I have also said I have made more than my share of mistakes. Mistakes are things we can't change, so we must learn to live with them... and if possible we are welcome to try to atone for them if we think that will make a difference. Most of the time, that's somewhat futile to undertake that challenge. I do and say things on a daily basis that I think about "what if" ...if I had said or did something differently... but I didn't... so I have 2 choices... deal with it and move on... or let it eat me up inside. Luckily, I've been able to come to terms with most of my choices in life. I sometimes let pride get the best of me and am stubborn enough not to deal with certain issues... and I end up paying the price for that. That's my own fault too... not anyone else's ...unless I've made the attempt to try to fix things to the best of my ability... and someone else isn't having that... then it becomes their fault. If I've actually made a heartfelt attempt, then I can usually forgive myself and just pity others for their pettiness. I make every attempt to keep myself out of situations like that. Sometimes they just have a habit of turning back up... as our past can sometimes haunt us. My reaction is not really one of guilt, but of sadness... and that's not even a melancholy feeling for myself. I think that life is full of happy and sad.. it's difficult to quantify one without the other. As a general rule, I am able to hold on to the happy instances much easier now and can put away the sad things. That doesn't mean I forget about them, I have learned to deal with them to the point where they have little power in my life. Over the last 10 years, I have written so much here... over 800 entries so far about all types of subjects. It is just a journal of what is going through my head. Sometimes I've even lied to myself, as most people do... It's really all about perspective. I can't tell others how they should feel, and in my blog, I only write from my perspective... and about the things that pertain to me. That is who I am. That is what I do.