I Don't Know If I Ever Will.

So... I've been going on some dates recently... I've pretty much given up on finding normal people online, yet... I have no social life and what attempts I've made to get one have failed miserably. So... I did something stupid.  I spent my performance bonus this year on a matchmaking service. They're supposed to match me up with 4 people after hours of interview and questions... In retrospect, it's probably not my most intelligent decision, but I've been out with 3 people from the service so far. The first one I went out with.... was just prior to the biggest snowfall  on record.. and we've been out twice since. She is a really nice person... but I haven't felt that "click" yet... I don't know if I ever will...  The second person... well.. she was an art teacher... very conveniently located.... and we had a nice dinner..... good conversation... but I've realized I could probably have a decent date with just about anyone if I even halfway try.  I consider myself a good "people person" ...I tend to make friends very easily... if you can really call them friends.. there are very few people in my life I can actually depend on if I need something... I found that out during my surgery... Most people haven't kept in close enough contact to know... or live too far away to actually be counted on... I guess some of them can be considered friends... but my understanding of a friend is someone that you can count on to help in times of need... and that you can help reciprocate ... an actually life interaction... not just words.   Online... that's all it is.. words... your sentiments can be there... but it doesn't change the fact that it's still not exactly real... My desire is to travel... to have a decent amount of money to do so... but just because I'd like to do something... doesn't make it any more real than it is.. It's the same with people.  I care about what happens to people... but I have no power to make a difference when it comes to the important stuff.. Sure... I can offer advice... and I can bring a person a bit of joy from time to time... in my words.. but it's still just words.. To be honest... it's mostly a one way street... I don't get much emotional support from anyone.  I've grown used to it. ...or what little support I do get in the way of a kind word or two... well.. it doesn't do much good for me.  I don't get the hug that most friends share...
I took off the other night when I was called by someone I know decently... she and her daughter were broke down about 45 minutes from me... she was almost 2 hours from her house... and I happen to be the only one she could call close to her... luckily it turned out that it was just a radiator cap issue, and I got that put on just fine... but we weren't sure, so I pumped up my blow up bed and her and her daughter crashed at my place after following me back.  I try to believe in the "pay it forward" ideology... and will always try to be a friend to most anyone that will accept it... I suppose my dad ...as well as a few of my neighbors... were there when I had my surgery, but it was a lonely 7 weeks where very few people actually made a positive impact on my life.  Again... I know that people mean well.. but ... and I hate this phrase.. "it is what it is"  ...I can't sugarcoat anything and make someone believe they're more to me than they actually are. The truth be told.... if you aren't really involved in my life... I can't consider you a close friend... and my close friends make an effort to be involved... whether I'm online or not... because someone that chooses to be a friend... is... without requirements..  I don't require anything of my friends... except an occasional involvement in my life... it doesn't have to be much... I know I've said that good friends can take up where you left off... but I've had people leave for so long... that you realize you aren't much of a priority in their life.. I have been fooled into believing many times that someone was more important in my life than they actually were... but after awhile you find that your life goes on pretty much the same.. with or without them in it.. that's where you really can't consider them an important part of your life... and not much of a friend.
I get concerned when I think about moving forward with someone in my life... part of me wants to fill in the missing holes... but I have spent so many times making something out to be more than it was... that I no longer trust my own judgement on whether or not a person is important in my life... one thing I've learned is that as much as it hurts to let some people go... I've not had anyone ever in my life that I couldn't do without... and honestly I don't know if I ever will.