Such Is Life.

I got a call from my daughter tonight... No matter how I'm feeling.. even if I'm a little down, that always puts me in an awesome mood. I wish we weren't so far apart.... but this is the way it has to be. There is a lot that I have adjusted to... and tell myself that this is the way it is now. It isn't always a bad thing... but I do have to believe I'm trying to do the best I can. It's all about perspective, I suppose. I tend to make decisions based on what I believe to be the best at the time... and I need to stick with those... not second guess myself so much.  It's not like things are horrible in my life.  Sure... things could always be better... but I tend to let myself fall into a rut that I should not. I have a choice each and every day... doing what I need to do... and then I worry about if I made the right choice.
I guess I could say I'm in a relationship now...I'll call her "Red".  I don't know where it is going... and I am taking it very, very slow. Maybe I'm looking for something to "sweep me off my feet" ...or at least be somewhat like the relationships I'm used to. It isn't anywhere near that yet.  I'm working on more of developing a friendship than anything else... A friendship that has possibilities for more.  I have several friendships I've made and have worked on since I've been up here... but I always realized quickly that I don't want more with these other people.  I haven't eliminated my current friend from becoming more, but it's still a bit strained.  She doesn't seem to be able to open up to me.. I don't think she's hiding much... nor lying to me... Maybe I'm looking too hard for something like what I have found with someone else. But then again... I'm not with someone else... not by my choosing of course...  I think maybe I'm spoiled... or my expectations are too high. I just don't want to get into a relationship with someone like my ex... someone that can't express themselves... or someone who isn't into the whole... sex thing.  I will reiterate... it's not all about the sex, but if I can't incorporate sex into a relationship at some point... that relationship isn't going to work. I feel like even after 4 dates with someone that sex isn't an issue for quite sometime with Red. But before  we even get close to that point, we will have to have a long discussion about it... and if I don't think it's going to work... sex won't happen at all... I'm not getting sexually involved with anyone else without a few expectations. I won't use anyone... nor be used... that seems to have happened to me a few times. But I'm pretty sure if I stop our "relationship" at some point... Red will just walk away.  Lots of things are up in the air at the moment.

I have a wonderful friendship with my neighbor... she has an awesome dog.. "Pooch" .She and I have been out 8 or 9 times.. even to the movies... she has talked about going camping with me this Summer. ...If she was at least 10 years older... and didn't smoke... I would definitely be interested in dating her... but she does... and I just can't bridge that age gap in my mind.... and I could never date someone who smokes. 2 major strikes against her.

I have a couple of other friends that I feel I can count on... who fall into the category of ... wonderful people... that I have no interest in becoming romantically involved with.  ..and then there has been 8 or 9 people who I've been on a first date with... 3 made it to a second date... and 1... made it a whole week... No one makes it much further than that.... so I figured maybe it was me... my expectations are unrealistic... that's why I'm giving Red more of a chance.  I enjoy spending time with her... but the strained communications will need to give way soon to a smoother interaction... or I will have to retreat and possibly surrender... meaning give up to the idea of dating. I hate having such a pessimistic viewpoint... but such is life.