I'm Certain I've Failed At That.

Cold rainy morning... at least it will get rid of some of the snow and ice that's been lingering around for weeks now... that kinda happens when you get 42 inches of snow. Sometimes residuals of a lot of things hang around for far too long. I still remember so many things about my past... but I try not to live in it... things happen... then they're over. Our lives seem to be a hodgepodge of events just strung together... not having a main theme... My life is like a poorly written book. There is no plot... plenty of conflict... antagonists... but nothing clear cut and defined. I suppose in a way, life itself is a struggle. Maybe my dad has it right... no one says you have to be happy... I still hear those words ring out in my mind often... I am in a decent place in my life... most of the time... but for me... a decent place just means that I'm not struggling with the day. I hear certain songs on the radio... or see certain movies or TV shows... and I've connected them with people or events from my past... I can't listen to Fleetwood Mac without getting an overwhelming feeling of a past love... Then there are other things that dredge up the past... Sometimes I find myself gravitating toward some of those things without realizing it, but I refuse to let it control my life. I am no longer worried about making a big splash on the world... a major contribution... I'm content knowing that I'm helping to change the world just a little bit at a time. I guess I am too nostalgic at times... I find myself sinking... and just give up for a bit... letting the world steer my life. I appreciate the good things I still have in my life, don't get me wrong... but I find that with the good, you also have the bad.  Sometimes the trip down memory lane isn't worth the effort. I suppose nothing in life is free. I have paid quite a price with pieces of myself... even to a point I'm now not certain if I have much of me left... I don't even know who that is anymore... I try to keep an open mind.. but my belief in most everything has been swayed at times... and I struggle to define who I am. Maybe that's part of life... its a road to self discovery... if it is.. I'm certain I've failed at that.

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