Under my Hat

I'm a bit concerned about the house... of course it's probably normal to be this nervous when you put down that much money... I've tried not to concern myself with money, as it seems to usually take care of itself, but I also know that I have to be mindful of it.. so that I don't overextend myself.  My ex just called a bit ago to explain some charges on my daughter's credit card.. I tried to assure her that it was fine... that if they NEED anything.. spend it.. I'll figure it out.. where I would get pissed is if they went on a spending spree and left me holding the bag... so in a sense, I guess I do trust her.. I don't mind spending things on people who are in a pinch.. I've helped out my daughters when things came up... my ex.. when the tree fell on her place.. I've even bought things for my ex-girlfriends.. most of the time that entailed computers... actually I've bought 5 laptops for friends and girlfriends.. 2 tvs.. and a multitude of other ...

So.. I got all emotional yesterday... and I shouldn't have. I guess it only bothers me when I feel that the way I feel is called into question.. Other people have their side too.. and I should learn to keep my mouth shut in open forums... at least when it involves other people.  That doesn't mean that I don't feel the way I have.. or that I've changed my outlook.. it just means that maybe there was a bit of disrespect in that post that shouldn't have been there.. and that I need to learn to keep things on a flirty level.. at least as far as the sites are concerned.  I was afraid that might happen... I really don't want to start a lot of drama.. in fact, I went out of my way for awhile to try to be completely open in my treatment of everyone in the same manner.. until I was rebuked and told basically to "fuck off" Still I can respect that... Everyone has the right not to be subjected to conditions where they feel uncomfortable.. My rights end where ano...

I'm slightly irritated ...I made a post on one of the sites about trust.. and I really didn't say what I wanted to say how I wanted to say it... I didn't want to point the finger at any one in particular... but I the main reason I have a problem with trust isn't that I need someone to do something ...or be someone... I just come to depend on people who tell me one thing for months and months.. and in some cases a year.. to find out that everything they have been saying... isn't actually true.. because they've changed their minds about it all.. and then leave me and my emotions hanging out to dry.. the trust comes in when you feel like you can believe at least most of what someone is telling you.. where you come to depend on it.. then guess what.. it's all bullshit.. the problem is that it is the same that happens with more than one relationship I've been in.. and then someone takes the time to let you know that they aren't that way.. and that they f...

It's actually cooler weather outside this morning.. below 60 even...  You ever notice that when someone doesn't have much to talk about... they will bring up something about the weather?  I mean... it's all well and good I suppose to know how to dress... but I'm dressing in the same thing every weekday.... and I don't own an umbrella anymore, so why do I care... I have a device that tells me everything I need to know.. it's called a window... There's not much I can change about it anyway.  I feel like there's so much out of my control now anyway.  But I'll still keep concentrating on the things I can control.  Tick... tock.. the clock is still ticking... and I'm still alive... so I guess that means I'm doing something right.. I'm alive, but I don't know actually how much living I'm doing... I am cooking chili in my crockpot... it's one of my favorite things to cook.. and I'll always vary the recipe just a bit. I have ha...

I think I finally got all my paperwork done for the house... and I'm getting more and more nervous each day.  I just need to take a chill pill and relax. I have done all that I can do... On a more positive note, I'm pretty stoked about work. I see bonuses and overtime in my future.. but I've already rambled a bit about that.  I have been getting messages from one of the dating sites that I thought I had closed. ...I rectified that situation and closed my profile there... even though I did respond, as I always do, to the 3 messages I've gotten in the last few days. I know that there are people that are looking for a deep relationship... but I am not going to jump into one of those.  It would be nice to have a friend or two to engage in conversation and do things with.. but I don't have enough left in my emotional bank to invest in something most would consider substantial. I sometimes wonder about that... if the trust grows back... or if I just consider most women a...

There seems to be something cleansing about a summer thunderstorm... it's a sticky hot day.. then all of a sudden boom.. thunder.. lightning.. rain.. a short time later... cool breeze.. all the stickiness is washed away.  I'm a fan of thunderstorms.. and unless the wind gets very high.. I could sit and listen to them all day long. I sleep much better during storms.. and wish I had grabbed a nap when the one went through here only a short time ago. I got a call today from a friend/acquaintance... she's sorta between .. I was a bit surprised, because no one usually calls me anymore unless they need something.. or need my advice.. or just need to vent. Turns out she was trying to call her mom.. and hit my name by mistake.. she was just as surprised to hear my voice as I was to see where she was calling... we talked for about 30 seconds.. then she went along her merry way.  That seems to be most of where my life is now... I feel a bit like an afterthought... so I try not to i...

You know.. it's amazing that as many people are as sane as they are... or maybe most everyone is actually insane and we think we might be normal. It's difficult to tell sometimes. I do know that the world is riddled with incompetent people... so Monday when they took out $19k out of my retirement account.. for buying this house... it was supposed to go to my bank... at 3 pm Monday when it was took out... or so I was told.  When I didn't see it in my account... that night.. the next morning... I panicked. I called my bank and they knew nothing of it... I called my TSP (retirement) people and finally was informed that it took 3 - 5 days after it was withdrawn to deposit into my bank account.  Way to give me an anxiety attack people... it could say something like that in the notes somewhere. I knew I had a paper trail... but I can just see someone mistakenly putting in the wrong account and it going to ...somewhere else.  I know several people that if given 19k in their ban...

Hanging about for another weekend alone... I'm thankful I have Netflix, Amazon Prime, and my Firestick... I jailbroke it and now I don't even have to go out to the movie theaters... I watched Baby Driver last night... it was decent, but I get irritated at movies that try to play themselves off as being somewhat realistic.. then go completely off the cuff into unrealistic zones.  If I'm going to watch fantasy... let it be fantasy... I'm not really into realism anyway.... realistic is boring for the most part.  I think that's part of the reason our society is the way it is... people have realism so hyped up to be much more than it is... In all reality, life is pretty boring.. at least until someone decides to make something stupid happen that ends up putting other people at risk. I'm not saying life can't be fun... enjoyable.. but I enjoy the pretty tame things.. travelling, kayaking, camping... it can still have some action to it.  I think that all the crapp...

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! ...yes, it's been that type of day.  I knew people were going to be out at work... including my manager... but then the entire department took off... unexpectedly... I remember Senior skip day in High School... but this is the reverse.. Instructor skip day?  There were two of us in the department... and of course I was acting manager... I had to find places for 80 students... which really sucks if these students come in expecting to work.. let's just say it wasn't a very productive day. I have an inspection day on my house... Thursday, July 21... 1 pm... I've developed the attitude that if it was meant to be.. it will be... I can only put so much effort into something... after that, it's out of my hands.... so if something turns up in the inspection of appraisal... I'll tell the owner he has to fix it... or the deal is off... I am not sure what could happen, but with my luck, I never know from which direction that life is...

Dad finally went home yesterday... now I can get back to walking around the house naked... lol... sounds funny, but it's actually true. I am just happy to be able to sleep through the night without Fox News being blared in the next room... I love him, but he can get on my nerves a bit at times. I've been busy gathering papers to buy my house... I am a bit nervous that they will find something wrong... or that it won't appraise for enough... but I'm almost certain that won't be the case... it seems priced well below what it should go for. I've started gathering boxes... I dread the packing and the moving... maybe this will be the last time for a long while... if I ever move again.. I'm still at the sites.. I sometimes wonder why I'm even there... I guess it might be to fill the hole in my life for flirty interaction... that's all I can figure... but I know nothing can amount to more. I have tried offline relationships and they don't work for ...

So today has been a great day!... I put in an offer on a house... but that was after getting the go-ahead from my financial guy... he said I could offer more if I needed to... I'm glad I have been keeping my credit rating so high.. It's 1650 square feet.. and over 1/2 acre of land... more than I really need, but it's a good deal.. I'm just hoping it works out. I'm really stoked at the moment. Seems like that life has a way of making up for treating you like crap for years... I am determined to remain optimistic about it all. I would have a housewarming party.. but I don't know anyone around here.. well maybe a handful.. and I'll probably invite them all.. not that it'll be a huge throwdown..   I'm really enjoying everything about everything at the moment.. and nothing can bring down my day now... although I should learn never to tempt fate.. Right now it's just a waiting game to see how things turn out.. I have been in charge at work again.. a...

I looked at a house yesterday... I am hoping it works out. I would love to have a place to call my own.. I throw away so much money on rent... and it seems so wasteful. The place I'm looking at is really a bit too big for me.. and has a bit more land than I wanted... and is at the high end of what I can afford... but I plan to maintain a positive attitude about it all. I'm trying to work on that.. as I know I come across at times as a very negative person. I suppose it takes a bit of practice... it doesn't help that I expose myself to so much negativity in many aspects of my life.  At work... there are several people there that don't like working there due to the incompetency of others.. I suppose things have a way of working themselves out.. Then I go to the sites... and every one of us there is some type of broken... at least in relationships.. people look to find what they're missing.. and I'm fairly certain we have all want to find something to make us happ...