I'm Ready For That Journey.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
...yes, it's been that type of day. I knew people were going to be out at work... including my manager... but then the entire department took off... unexpectedly... I remember Senior skip day in High School... but this is the reverse.. Instructor skip day? There were two of us in the department... and of course I was acting manager... I had to find places for 80 students... which really sucks if these students come in expecting to work.. let's just say it wasn't a very productive day.
I have an inspection day on my house... Thursday, July 21... 1 pm... I've developed the attitude that if it was meant to be.. it will be... I can only put so much effort into something... after that, it's out of my hands.... so if something turns up in the inspection of appraisal... I'll tell the owner he has to fix it... or the deal is off... I am not sure what could happen, but with my luck, I never know from which direction that life is going to punch next. I've gotten to the point where I realize I can only concentrate on me... sure I'd like to have my support... but I know that's not going to happen. It's frustrating and a bit unnerving knowing that I have little margin for error in my life... I seem to be running everything close... financing... time.. I don't really feel like it's much my life anymore.. I just seem to do what I can all the time... bouncing in the direction life is pushing me. I really need something to change quickly in my situation. I feel like I've been there for so many people... but emotionally I'm more of a trainwreck than any of them... I suppose that's what I need to concentrate on next. My students and I had a discussion today... about life and pressure... they only know the surface and what's expected of me at work.. but they know I'm not dating anyone... and probably won't for awhile... they commended me on my strength of doing all that is expected of me and much, much more... I do appreciate that... but it's my students... I have to stay a strong role model for them... and an even stronger role model for my daughters... I don't feel that strong....but I refuse to be beaten. I won't let life break me... It may crack the hell out of me... and take chinks out me from time to time... but I'll persevere.. no matter what. I've learned I can do that... and if I haven't broken by now... I'm not going to break.
Yeah... maybe I overdramatize a bit.. it's my right... I know what's going on in my life better than anyone else can even guess. I vent here.. and on the sites... it seems as though I've lost most of my friends, as I rarely ever chat or talk to anyone else... it doesn't matter though. I'm that much more determined to fight for my sanity and comfort... I think maybe I focus too much on many things that don't really matter... I try to live in a fantasy world from time to time... I know what's real.. and what isn't.. even if most people I have ever run into... don't.. I don't have a clue which direction I'm heading next... but I'm ready for that journey.
...yes, it's been that type of day. I knew people were going to be out at work... including my manager... but then the entire department took off... unexpectedly... I remember Senior skip day in High School... but this is the reverse.. Instructor skip day? There were two of us in the department... and of course I was acting manager... I had to find places for 80 students... which really sucks if these students come in expecting to work.. let's just say it wasn't a very productive day.
I have an inspection day on my house... Thursday, July 21... 1 pm... I've developed the attitude that if it was meant to be.. it will be... I can only put so much effort into something... after that, it's out of my hands.... so if something turns up in the inspection of appraisal... I'll tell the owner he has to fix it... or the deal is off... I am not sure what could happen, but with my luck, I never know from which direction that life is going to punch next. I've gotten to the point where I realize I can only concentrate on me... sure I'd like to have my support... but I know that's not going to happen. It's frustrating and a bit unnerving knowing that I have little margin for error in my life... I seem to be running everything close... financing... time.. I don't really feel like it's much my life anymore.. I just seem to do what I can all the time... bouncing in the direction life is pushing me. I really need something to change quickly in my situation. I feel like I've been there for so many people... but emotionally I'm more of a trainwreck than any of them... I suppose that's what I need to concentrate on next. My students and I had a discussion today... about life and pressure... they only know the surface and what's expected of me at work.. but they know I'm not dating anyone... and probably won't for awhile... they commended me on my strength of doing all that is expected of me and much, much more... I do appreciate that... but it's my students... I have to stay a strong role model for them... and an even stronger role model for my daughters... I don't feel that strong....but I refuse to be beaten. I won't let life break me... It may crack the hell out of me... and take chinks out me from time to time... but I'll persevere.. no matter what. I've learned I can do that... and if I haven't broken by now... I'm not going to break.
Yeah... maybe I overdramatize a bit.. it's my right... I know what's going on in my life better than anyone else can even guess. I vent here.. and on the sites... it seems as though I've lost most of my friends, as I rarely ever chat or talk to anyone else... it doesn't matter though. I'm that much more determined to fight for my sanity and comfort... I think maybe I focus too much on many things that don't really matter... I try to live in a fantasy world from time to time... I know what's real.. and what isn't.. even if most people I have ever run into... don't.. I don't have a clue which direction I'm heading next... but I'm ready for that journey.
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