Under my Hat

It's been a long, busy, interesting week... I've been in California... near Hollywood.  Of course I was only 3 hours from where I live... Both California and Hollywood are cities in Maryland.. It was an awesome facility. I was there to learn more about my role as a union steward. I did learn quite a bit. The training was very intensive. We started on Sunday. Our days started at 7am.. and went to sometimes 8 or 9 pm at night.  Then there was the "Feedback Inn". It was an open bar that was open from 8 - 11pm. Most of us went there to network with the fellow stewards in training, as well as the instructors. I skipped this most nights as I was worn out, and it wasn't mandatory. The training was well worth it... but it will take me a few days to get back to my normal self. I am currently binge-watching Reign.. it is an interesting storyline but doesn't really follow historical records. That is the way with most TV, even with "reality" shows. That is wh...

I heard that if you make your bed the first thing in the morning.. that you will have accomplished something... and then the day will start off in a positive light... I believe that..  I have tried to keep with that for the last month or so.. and I do believe it is making a difference... at least a bit of one.. in my attitude. I went so far as making it here in my room at the training facilities, even though the housekeeping staff will probably pull the linen off my bed anyway... Still it's the gesture that counts... I'm pretty sure I'll accomplish a whole lot during this week... I'm in training to be a union steward... I already have an idea of some of it.. but I'm going to keep an open mind and let my ideology be re-written. I should take that to heart with other aspects of my life... but no one is an expert... so who would do the re-writing?   I had dinner (supper) last night in a local restaurant/bar ...it was crowded, and the food was excellent, but I wasn...

Do you ever wonder why there is always so much to do?  I think that we tend to have more and more things put on us until we find our breaking point... at least that is what it seems like. Sometimes it is just best to say "No... I can't do that" ...but then that would be admitting our limits.. and that someone has reached them. We like to think that we can do almost anything... or at least do much more than people expect. No one likes to be reminded of their limitations, but we all have them. I am painfully aware of several of mine... but I am learning to be more and more comfortable with them.. Dad is still here... I don't know when he is leaving... and I'm thankful he's still alive... but it would be nice if he could be alive somewhere else for awhile. I haven't even masturbated for nearly 3 weeks now... which is quite a bit of time for me... The strange thing is I'm missing it less and less... the sexual feeling.... it was once something that stay...

Have you ever stopped for a few minutes and realized how big the world really is??  I mean... we see different stuff all our lives... and someone can say they travel extensively... but we will really never make much of a dent in who we meet... or what we see.. There are 7 billion people in the world.. If we lived 75 years meeting people... we'd still have to meet over 250,000 people a day to meet everyone... and even then that doesn't take into account the billions of people who would be born and die.. it's just something to think about... how many people are actually out there... it's astronomical... and I'm not even counting aliens.. or people from other dimensions ...lol I guess it's just a wake up call when you think about it... we think of ourselves as so important.. because we grew up being told how special we were...and we tell it to our kids... and our kids are special... to us... Everyone is unique... but the world was here before we got here.. and i...

Dad is trying to convince me to contact my sisters... as no one in either household will respond to either of his two phones now... he is worrying them to death... he stays on the phone about 60 percent of the time... either dialing or leaving messages... I told him no... I wouldn't be a party to his paranoia... and if they wanted to talk with him... they'd leave him a message... in the short time it has taken me to type this... I've heard his phone open and close several dozen times... he really has a problem... and I'm not going to feed it... He's come up with every excuse he could think of why he needs to talk to them..... but he can't come up with a reasonable one...  "Their phones don't always work and they don't always get the message."  "They were supposed to put the trash out for me last night, and I just needed to make sure they did"   First of all... he.. if they hadn't...what are you going to do about it now?? ...secon...

I feel like rearranging stuff... I've only been living in my house a little over a month... and already I've made some rearrangements of my furniture... I keep making minor rearrangements to make things more functional and convenient... but at some point I'll figure it out.  I do enjoy cleaning a bit more though.  It is something that is for me... because this place is mine.. even if I do owe quite a bit on it... I will make it more mine as time goes along.  I haven't hung any pictures yet.... or worked much on decorating... I think at heart I'm more of a functional person anyway.. I have always preferred having things that served a purpose as opposed to those things that just look pretty or cool.. Even growing up, I would ask for Christmas presents that served a purpose... Things break... or get worn... or you even get used to the beauty of your surroundings.  I think functionality is much easier to respect and appreciate.. at least on my level.  I'm a substan...

I am no longer blogging about relationships here... I seem to be tainting my own viewpoint... so this is the last entry... I might still occasionally blog about events... or my family... or even things I want to share with the public... but my noggin has gotten to be a bit of a dark place and needs it's own space. I have other avenues I've discovered about doing that... I won't even share the other avenue with my closest of friends... so if you're my friend... please don't even ask. I appreciate the words of advice I get from those few people who words carry weight with me... and I am looking forward to opening a new chapter in my literary undertakings... I am not doing this to hide from anyone... quite the contrary... I'm doing this to keep my negative thoughts at bay... and turning off my locator wasn't quite doing it as I still felt there might be a slant to my conversations... I appreciate all those who took time to read what I've written... and I...

Been busy and not... trying to not let my dad have much fun this time... he's talking like he really doesn't care if he goes back home or not... I can put up for a few weeks.. but then I'm going to training... and I'm not giving him a key... so if he wants to stay here while I'm gone.. he'll have to break down a door or something... one thing is for certain... if he's here too much, I'm moving... I can't deal... and he doesn't listen when you tell him to leave you alone for a bit... My sisters know all too well that he doesn't pay attention when you tell him not to come back.. he's not welcome.. because they have told him that... and he still shows back up.. and just walks in... I've taken great pains not to give him a key... and I'm not showing him where the extra ones are... I told him yesterday that I understood why no one there has much time for him... he tries to run everyone's life.. and he doesn't listen... he alwa...

It's the middle of the night.. and I just can't seem to sleep.  I let too much weigh on me and it is taking its toll.. I think most of it is work stress.. There is a crap ton of stuff going on.... and I need to get a handle on it... I keep getting farther and farther behind... and I actually worry about my students... as well as the fact that I have a very high work ethic... and need to make certain the things I do are done correctly.  There still isn't enough time to do everything... as I'm covering so many positions... but there are still important things that aren't getting done... I'm supposed to be teaching my students how to hold a job... and they can't even clean the bathroom to my satisfaction. I wonder if maybe I just don't think like a normal guy... but the guys in my classroom aren't what I would say very domesticated... I don't really look at myself as highly domesticated either... but I work on making stuff clean... I think that mos...

Timing... most things don't work if the timing is off.. an engine has to be timed just right so that the shaft is turned by the cylinders as they fire... life is like that too.. If the timing is off.. some relationships never stand a chance...  Many times we think we know what's best for another person... or we tend to ignore red flags... and we end up making more of a mess of our lives than ever. There's just no way that a person can know what our actions will end up screwing up... Sometimes it's certain timing of events that get us to thinking about things.. Even if things seem like they might be going well, it becomes obvious at some point that maybe life has different plans for us.  It can be extremely frustrating to fall victim to the nudges of Fate. I sit alone in bed most nights wondering what might be the next thing I screw up... because it's pretty obvious by now that it's only a matter of time before I become a victim of my own overthinking. I have a ...

I find that I seem to lose focus of the lessons I learned...and however helpful I might think I am... or how much of a friend I try to be... there are so many things out of my control. I come across as this person who has an answer for everything, but it's actually just an opinion.. my opinion based on experiences. I will most times throw things out that go through my mind... just to find out I may have hurt someone in the process... that doesn't mean I didn't mean to say it... it just means that I lost my ability to try to tactfully say something. I feel like sometimes I invade the lives of my friends... and there are even times when I get close to someone... but I have to learn when to draw the line... because no matter how close I get... I can't change life circumstances... even if I wish things were different... all I can do is cause more of a conflict.. and that's wrong of me to even think in those terms... I recently had my eyes opened up to this fact... Peop...

Dad has decided he's on his way up today... probably... at least that is what he said yesterday evening. Who knows anymore... I don't really count on a whole lot happening until it actually happens..It's okay to prepare for the negative stuff, but until it comes about, there is no use in spending precious time worrying about it. Unfortunately, many times there are things that take us by surprise... and then we have to deal with it. I would love the lives of my friends and my own life to be as stress free as possible, but there is no way to avoid all the stress. All we can do is figure out the best way to deal with it.  I know that years ago, I let slip to my oldest daughter a major hint that I might be involved with someone... I still remember that well... it ended up with us talking about it.. and she cried... I haven't really told anyone about this... because it was a very difficult moment for me. When it comes down to it.. we do things that maybe we feel we shouldn...

Okay... so I awoke with a headache... I RARELY get headaches... I don't think it's a caffeine headache... or lack of water... so something else must be the cause. It seems like a lot of things can go wrong with a person... and sometimes they never even know it.  I know that even though we are resilient.... any kind of malady could happen at any time ... with anyone.. and then that is a game changer. We make all these plans.. even if we try to live in the here and now.. we can't help but slightly plan for the future... but who knows what will hit next.. We all try to stay away from heart attack.. stroke.. and definitely cancer... but there are just limited things we have control over.. and even then.. a malady can occur with almost no notice.  I think sometimes we just overlook the signs. Our bodies shouldn't hurt... get a little tired, maybe... but I think pain is always a sign something is wrong. I'm not saying that a person should become a hypochondriac.. because...

So it's been a decent weekend... even though I haven't accomplished much of what I needed to do... I just felt.. calmer... I'm not exactly sure why that is.. other than the fact that I'm not concerned about being on a timetable to getting everything done. I think that's caused me a bit of undue stress.. and that it's much better to just enjoy each day as it comes.. I do get a bit down on myself from time-to-time.. but I deal with that as it happens.  I think that maybe I'm instigating the setting of expectations that others may have on me.. I joke about how I'm always right... I do see myself in a positive light most of the time... but I try not to focus on my shortcomings... and I don't need people to be led into thinking I'm more of a friend than I actually am. I enjoy witty banter... I try to see the positive of both sides of a discussion.. and I work to not set expectations myself of any others... But for all of that... I know there are a lo...