The Way Things Are

It's the middle of the night.. and I just can't seem to sleep.  I let too much weigh on me and it is taking its toll.. I think most of it is work stress.. There is a crap ton of stuff going on.... and I need to get a handle on it... I keep getting farther and farther behind... and I actually worry about my students... as well as the fact that I have a very high work ethic... and need to make certain the things I do are done correctly.  There still isn't enough time to do everything... as I'm covering so many positions... but there are still important things that aren't getting done... I'm supposed to be teaching my students how to hold a job... and they can't even clean the bathroom to my satisfaction. I wonder if maybe I just don't think like a normal guy... but the guys in my classroom aren't what I would say very domesticated... I don't really look at myself as highly domesticated either... but I work on making stuff clean... I think that most people don't have a clue what that actually is... If I threatened to serve their next meal on one of the bathroom surfaces... maybe that would get attention.. but then that would get me into trouble too.. I have so much paperwork to catch up on...I just see myself slowly sinking in it.  It may come at some point that I have to volunteer some time just to get everything done... because they are definitely not paying me overtime with all the budget cuts... even though I'm covering multiple positions...

I think my dad is driving me nuts too... he consistently calls my sisters and their families... even in the middle of having a conversation with him... he carries two phones because he is obsessed with the fact that one might not work at some point when someone needs to get in touch with him... I can't even count the times he calls me from both phones if I don't immediately pick up... he will alternate between the phones until someone finally answers.. He has tried to get me to buy another phone "just in case" ...that is NOT happening. He gets upset when I don't wake him before I go to work... because evidently him watching me go out the door has some major influence over his day.

I was told the other day that I send out mixed signals by someone I let close to me... I don't understand how... I can care about someone... find them attractive.. but my view on relationships  has been pretty unwavering... a long distance relationship won't work... as I would need actual physical presence in order to consider anything as being substantial... but at the same time... I can admire someone and who they are.. as a general rule, I try to stay away from overtly sexual behavior unless I see the possibility of having something of substance... although in the past... my interaction has crossed the line in that aspect... on one occasion in the past year even... but then something happens... and realism slaps me in the face... it's at that point when I pull back into my turtle shell... and try to focus my energies on friendship only... I don't think some people can handle that... If things were different, I can see my life being more engaging... but the facts are that most people are limited by their situation... and who am I to pretend that something viable can actually work... I've been shown in past relationships that sure... it can be a wonderful interaction for a short period of time... even meeting... but it can't last... I have a few friends in that situation.. they are ready to move into this deep relationship... but their life isn't supportive of anything except a homelife they've already developed and sunk much time and energy into... who am I to throw a monkeywrench into what they have... They are already emotionally attached to a family... one that I definitely can never meet.. or share with them... so why would I try to complicate someone's life that much more when there is really no commitment.. except in words... When it comes down to it.. most all of it is words... that's really all it can be.. In my past... being friends after becoming more intimate is almost impossible.. a overtly sexual intimacy causes investments of oneself so deep... that only the strongest friendships can survive.. and in most cases, that doesn't apply... I've lost a few friendships that way.... but after the initial shock of pulling back wears off.. I'm willing to be friends... the problem is that sometimes it takes a long time for the pain to subside... to be able to even casually communicate ...during which time hard feelings develop from another angle.. and a decent friendship is trashed in the process... I'm working on being a better person... but I still might hurt some people on occasion with what goes on inside my head... I just have to accept the fact that some people can't accept the way things are. 

Comments

  1. I go into every situation thinking..... just friends. I believe its a defense mechanism as way of protecting my heart from getting hurt. For me it has worked pretty well most of my life, I build a friendship and the rest just follows maybe.....not all friends become lovers and on the flipside not all lovers become friends. The two times I just jumped right in and never built that friendship.....are the two people that today I do not speak with anymore. When the dust settles afterward I have always been able to maintain friendships and bring them back on track. Both parties need to remember what made them friends in the first place and be able to move on from what didn't work. Not necessarily right away, sometimes we both need time to process what happened, but eventually we move on and can accept the friendship again.

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    1. I don't want "lovers"... To me, sex is a meaningful expression of one's feelings when you find someone who you want to share something special with... because those feelings run very deep. I can't wrap my mind around promiscuity... It cheapens the act of sex to the point that it becomes meaningless... or just an avenue to fulfill primal urges when we don't have the ability to control ourselves.. That's just my outlook on the subject, but if someone sees it differently, more power to them.

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