So That I don't Go Completely Mental.
Timing... most things don't work if the timing is off.. an engine has to be timed just right so that the shaft is turned by the cylinders as they fire... life is like that too.. If the timing is off.. some relationships never stand a chance... Many times we think we know what's best for another person... or we tend to ignore red flags... and we end up making more of a mess of our lives than ever. There's just no way that a person can know what our actions will end up screwing up... Sometimes it's certain timing of events that get us to thinking about things.. Even if things seem like they might be going well, it becomes obvious at some point that maybe life has different plans for us. It can be extremely frustrating to fall victim to the nudges of Fate. I sit alone in bed most nights wondering what might be the next thing I screw up... because it's pretty obvious by now that it's only a matter of time before I become a victim of my own overthinking. I have a few friends that occasionally pop in and out of my life.. but for the most part, it seems like most interaction is on a temporary scale... I have people that say they are my friend.. but what does that mean? I made a blog post awhile back about the difference between friendly and friends.. I can be friendly with a multitude of people... but it's almost like saying I love you... when you truly are someone's friend... if it happens too quickly.. it's not real... you can admire what you know of someone... even love that part about them... but I've found that in most any relationship... online or offline, it takes a long time to get to know someone... and as time moves forward, we find more and more about a person. Many times a person will show only what they want you to see... so it's easy to become enamored with someone based on brief interaction. Over time the true colors of that person will become evident... I'm even talking about myself... I try to throw everything out there... but there are many aspects of my personality that take a strong person to handle who I am.. So far, I have been too much for most people.. I don't argue that I am even sometimes a bit strong for myself.. especially when my brain gets charged up and I start thinking. I think each of us do have a certain fate that we can't avoid... no matter how much we try.. and some of us are fated to spend the majority of our lives either searching for something that doesn't exist... or accepting our fate and working on being happy with just ourselves..
There are so many things that I don't know.. I will admit that.. but I also have the culmination of years of experiences in other areas that have taught me many things. I'm still learning... as we all are.. The day I stop learning is the day I pass on from this life... But things rarely surprise me anymore.. I am learning to deal with that... the fact that most things are predictable... It's this experience that tells me not to struggle to try and make things happen that just don't seem to be obvious. I will continue to work on me... that's all I can do... I will try to improve myself.. to be the person I want to be.. not the person someone else expects... I make no changes for anyone but me.. and people can accept that... or go along their merry way. I like where my life is now... and sure.. there are many times where I think it would be nice to share the good moments... but as I told someone in a conversation not too long ago... once a person puts more of a drain on your life.. than adds to your life... the equation is not balanced... Life is a balance... we need to work on keeping ourselves from tipping over and making a mess of things... Certain people will come into your life... as I'm sure I've come into other people's lives... and will upset that balance... it causes more of a struggle to maintain sanity in a world that's been turned upside down.
I am working on several aspects of my life that I actually can control. I am studying for fire training.. and I've gotten the ball rolling on another job that I will add to what I'm already doing.. I should be teaching at the local community college. Not sure how that will affect my "balance" yet... but I'll work on that once I find out the repercussions.. I look at myself at times and wonder if I'm actually taking on too much... but I've found out that if I keep myself overworked... I can concentrate on that part of my life and forget about my personal life... I seem to be failing horribly at that portion of my existence, anyway. We all do what we have to in order to get through each day... and lately it seems it becomes more of a struggle for me to deal with how things actually are. My world is pretty shaky at times, but I keep a degree of sanity showing at all times.. It's like what I mentioned a bit earlier... we only show what we want others to see... I'm not even certain that I am capable to being in a relationship now even if I believed in them... I have too much instability going on inside me to bring anything positive to someone else. There is much that I need to get done and many negative attitudes that I need to alleviate... not for anyone else.. but for myself.. so that I don't go completely mental.
There are so many things that I don't know.. I will admit that.. but I also have the culmination of years of experiences in other areas that have taught me many things. I'm still learning... as we all are.. The day I stop learning is the day I pass on from this life... But things rarely surprise me anymore.. I am learning to deal with that... the fact that most things are predictable... It's this experience that tells me not to struggle to try and make things happen that just don't seem to be obvious. I will continue to work on me... that's all I can do... I will try to improve myself.. to be the person I want to be.. not the person someone else expects... I make no changes for anyone but me.. and people can accept that... or go along their merry way. I like where my life is now... and sure.. there are many times where I think it would be nice to share the good moments... but as I told someone in a conversation not too long ago... once a person puts more of a drain on your life.. than adds to your life... the equation is not balanced... Life is a balance... we need to work on keeping ourselves from tipping over and making a mess of things... Certain people will come into your life... as I'm sure I've come into other people's lives... and will upset that balance... it causes more of a struggle to maintain sanity in a world that's been turned upside down.
I am working on several aspects of my life that I actually can control. I am studying for fire training.. and I've gotten the ball rolling on another job that I will add to what I'm already doing.. I should be teaching at the local community college. Not sure how that will affect my "balance" yet... but I'll work on that once I find out the repercussions.. I look at myself at times and wonder if I'm actually taking on too much... but I've found out that if I keep myself overworked... I can concentrate on that part of my life and forget about my personal life... I seem to be failing horribly at that portion of my existence, anyway. We all do what we have to in order to get through each day... and lately it seems it becomes more of a struggle for me to deal with how things actually are. My world is pretty shaky at times, but I keep a degree of sanity showing at all times.. It's like what I mentioned a bit earlier... we only show what we want others to see... I'm not even certain that I am capable to being in a relationship now even if I believed in them... I have too much instability going on inside me to bring anything positive to someone else. There is much that I need to get done and many negative attitudes that I need to alleviate... not for anyone else.. but for myself.. so that I don't go completely mental.
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