Under my Hat

So... I'm sitting in a doctor's office after being run through a stress test... funny, but I was much larger than I currently am now when  my last test was run.... and I remember it being much easier.  I suppose part of it is age.. the other part is that even though I walk quite a bit during the day... I don't push myself as much as I did.  I feel more out of shape than I've felt in a long time.  I am just waiting on the doctor to go over it all with me, so I will probably end up finishing this blog later.  I really am not worried about it... I just want my cardiac clearance so I can have a minor procedure done... will it still happen?  ...we shall see.    I was told at work that many of my extra assignments are going to be spread out... to various staff members... at least government workers..  but I know that is going to open up a whole can of wormy incompetence.... I am sorry, but I am struggling at times... so I know that I will end up d...

Yesterday.. I was acting vocational manager.... I sometimes think about that word... "acting"  ...we all act a certain way in certain situations.  We all wear many different hats.  Most of us aren't even aware that we change our behaviors at times... but I suppose it all goes into who we are. I still care about people... in general... and still strive to be the best person I can be... but it's not for anyone else.. I do that to hold myself up to my standard. I don't want to disappoint me... and I've done that sometimes in my past.. It's all about choice.. and actions based on those choices... I get stern sometimes with my children.. and I "act" like a father ...I try to mold the minds of my students... at that point I "act" like an instructor...  I have been directing people in the department where I work...  I "act" like a manager.  I say cruel or antagonistic things.. I "act" like a prick. It doesn't matter wha...

I'm not blogging every day now... not because I feel to keep things inside.. but because I don't have a whole lot on my mind other than the things I have mentioned time and again in my blog.  This Friday may be a day of sequestration... which could be possible furloughs for us.. who knows.. at this point.. it just seems like they're drawing out this long closure process and I am tired of being in limbo.. if they are going to shut it down.. which I am certain they will.. I wish they would go ahead and announce it.. so I know what my options are.  I cannot plan anything without a solid foundation of having a job... somewhere.. so I wait... and wait.. still waiting... I had a discussion with someone this weekend... a friend.. and his outlook was that there is only one truth.. I tend to agree with that.. but the problem is that so many people interpret the "truth" so many different ways. That's why there are so many "Christian" denominations.. all have...

I've always said... if you see yourself in one of my blogs... then it is probably aimed at you... but too many times we let ourselves be so overwhelmed with a feeling of guilt that we become a bit paranoid about what is said... even if we have reason to believe it is about us.  Personally... I mean what I say about the people formerly in my life... I really don't hold an grudges... I have just learned not to trust what people say to me.. because in reality.. most of the time they don't have a clue themselves what they are saying... life is a learning process.. and I've learned some valuable lessons.... not just from one person... nor two... but from many people.  I choose to live the way I do... only because I am not strong enough to just walk away... not when I can focus the blame on my situation at work... and just wait for it.  Am I a coward?.... you betcha...  I suppose there are periods where I have the strength to walk away... and if some miracle happens at wor...

It has been a few days since I last blogged... and I wasn't going to blog until I found out something about a situation that has arisen... due to not putting things out there for the universe to turn negative... but after thinking it over..  I really am not worried about it.. I was due to have a minor surgery but a pre-op last week has some abnormalities.. which has delayed it.. I'm not going to be concerned about it any more than normal... although at one time... I was a bit freaked out about it.  My outlook is that things are the way they are.. and I will always adjust. I've done that so many times in the past.. and me wanting things to be one way or another won't change the fact of what is... just is.  I cannot pretend to know the future.. I've explained that I'm not psychic.. but I've already forseen my own death at age 62... so if I'm psychic in any way... I'd believe in that... but even that is something that I am not worried about. I am taking...

I sorta feel like I'm overwhelmed with work.. home.. just all the things in my life not being the way I want them to be... but in the same breath... I'm not in any circumstance that can't change soon.. in fact I look for my circumstances to change quite a bit in the next few months.  I am mainly hinging this on the fact that I see the end of my employment at the center where I work taking place shortly.. and it is through no power of my own... In fact, I am working harder than ever to try to keep things going.. so that no one can look at me and say.. it's people like you that shut us down.  I feel badly for those people who will lose their jobs and won't be able to move... but it's my outlook that so many people there could have done so much more.  It's difficult for someone to teach a "work ethic" when they themselves don't have a very strong one. ...and the absenteeism now is rampant... I would hate to see what it will be like if and when the...

Happy Valentine's Day  people.... it's strange how life goes... and how suddenly things can change... and no.. I'm not even remotely interested in another relationship.. I'm just talking about circumstances and conditions. I have had a really good week.. but I'm trying not to let myself get too elated about my outlook.. because I am not wanting a serious dip in my life when Fate tries to balance things out. I enjoy life as it is... and I am riding out what difficulties I have.. and am going to encounter.. I still have a positively negative outlook on life.  That may not make much sense, but what I am saying is that I have adjusted my attitude to accept that most people are not to be trusted.. and I really don't have a problem with that.  Some people enjoy working with wild animals.. and in their day to day settings.. they enjoy what they do.. but it's become a part of their life to just naturally be careful.  They don't trust the animals.. and they respe...

I am the most powerful mind controller on the planet..  or at least in my general vicinity. After talking with someone for a short bit.. I've found out that I have brainwashed someone into thinking like I do.. and I am moving forward with my plans to enslave others into my mode of thinking... this is news to me... but I think I like it.  Just think... if I could harness that power for good, instead of evil... there's not telling what might be able to accomplish.  Okay... I will admit.. I am extremely opinionated.. and I offer my opinions up on a regular basis... but brainwashing?  ummm... people... here is a disclaimer.. just for the benefit of one person.... you don't have to think like I do... in fact I would be disappointed in someone who is becoming me.. just because I talked them into it.  I ask everyone.. please... develop your own opinions of people and life based on your experiences.  Personally I think that my negative blog entries.. and my outlook...

Monday, Monday... I have the song from The Mamas and  the Papas going through my head now.. The start of another week in my life.  I know that Valentine's Day is Thursday.. but it's the same as any other day for me.. except that my manager is taking off Thursday and Friday... so I'm stuck being in charge again.  I don't mind it all that much, but I think we are having someone come to the center for an extended period of time that will be reporting all the happenings.. and  I would hate to think things fell apart on my watch.  I also know that this is the last week I will have every body part I currently have.. and it's a little scary.. I have to go Wednesday to get pre-checked in to the hospital... and blood work.. yuck.. I really do hate needles. I don't know what it is.. but I'd rather be stabbed by a knife as a needle. ...just a phobia I don't think I'll ever shake.. even exposing myself to one of the worst needle experiences I could imagine... di...

Another Sunday.... and here I sit... I was up a bit late last night chatting with a friend about things... and as much as I can try to tell people what I think is going to happen with them.. I can't make them see how they are going to wind up going through so much crap over and over again.  It's because most people cannot break the cycle..   ...find someone that professes their love for them...   ...have a wonderful experience for 2.. 3.. maybe 6 months.... then watch it all turn to crap again...  "Ohh.. but this time.. it's different..  ...this time.. they really love me.."    ...yeah... right.. just like last time.. and the time before that.   People want to believe what they want to believe.. and no amount of talk is going to dissuade them otherwise.  We're all like children... and I've always said that the best teacher is experience.  I've been through the pain that taught me.. I might not have learned my lesson the first time.. but ...

It's nice to be able to relax.. nothing expected of me.. I am going to be off week after next because of a medical procedure.. so this next week will be very busy trying to get everything caught up.  My class will take care of itself.. just because they do so well when I'm not around. That sorta makes me proud that I am doing things correctly. My work wanted to reward me on my outstanding evaluation with a few days off.. but I already have too many days as it is... they don't have money to pay a cash reward.. but I'm okay with not having that.. I'm sorta hoping I will receive a quality step increase.. raising my hourly salary up to the next level. If it doesn't happen.. life will go on.. and all will still be okay.  I really do enjoy my job.. even though I'm almost certain I won't be doing it much longer.  I think that most everyone there has come to the realization that not much will be continuing once the center closings commence. I sometimes look at ...

...the truth.. what is it?  ...I agree that people have differing opinions of what is true.. and what is not.. but in the grand scheme of things.. it doesn't matter what I think.. or what anyone else thinks.. something either is.. or it is not.. me saying so.. or thinking so doesn't make something real.. or true.. neither does someone else.. I know that opinions have varying shades of grey.. or things can change into something real.. but at any given moment.. things are a certain way.. and while we would like to make things fit our idealistic universe, we have to change our perception of things to do that... it's why so many of us get screwed over time after time.. we make excuses to believe a certain way.. or think certain things.. I suppose I do that at times myself.. it helps me to make sense of the way things are.. I'm not always right.. but more often than not.. it seems to turn out that way... so I go with the odds.. I thought a long time ago.. that I could read p...

Some things that I thought about lately... If you are online and want to live a fantasy.. then don't be surprised when someone lies to you.. it's either real.. or it isn't.. and believe me.. most online isn't real.. whether you say it is or not..  If you think you are special.. you probably are..  but so is everyone else.. we're all unique in our own way.. and just because someone gives you  attention.. doesn't mean that they aren't giving attention to several other people as well.  If you want to believe in a lie.. then go ahead.. that's your prerogative.. but don't be so amazed to find out that it really was a lie in the first place.  If someone says that you're only friends.. and then does things that suggests otherwise.. then it's probable that their idea of friendship.. and your idea is completely different... If you are holding things in and cannot disclose them to someone you call your very close friend.. then they aren't as close ...

I'm a firm believer in fate.. destiny.. a plan that has been set forth in our lives.. and if we are attuned to it.. and can follow that path without resistance.. things will go much smoother for us... It might not be direction we always want... however it is a direction based on our choices.. sometimes that fate might get changed by our actions.. which leads to conflict in our lives... and then it causes so much more drama and conflict to try to get back on the path we were on.. Tough.. you made a choice.. now you have to ride out the consequences.. or go through hell to try to get back on the track you were on.  Not everyone can do that though.. some choices you make will close doors forever... and seal those suckers shut.. We think that we can atone for our mistakes.. but that's not always the case.. which is why most people should be more cautious when making important decisions.  Our path will sometimes lead us through pits of despair... through trials and turmoils.. and s...

I think that most people don't have a clue about what goes on around them.. they live in their own little universe and believe what they want to believe.. that's why it's so easy for them to be deceived by others.. Most people need some sort of interaction in their life.. and they can't be honest and open during that interaction.. then they get surprised when someone calls them on it.. Don't ask me to keep secrets from other people.. I really just don't want to know.. and if you choose to keep secrets from others.. that just shows what type of person you are.  I have several things in my past that came back to bite me in the ass.. but I deserved it all.. I will admit to any and all of it.. should I spend the rest of the posts in my blog confessing all?  ...I don't plan on it.. because it has nothing to do with the present me.. the past is in the past.. and I have no reason to bring any of it up.. will I deny anything that is the truth? ..no.. I can't do ...

It's going to be a great week... why?  Because I said so.. haven't I told you already.... I'm almost always right??  I know.. I know.. it's almost like an emotional rollercoaster with me.. what can I say.. I'm a Gemini... actually I don't feel glum all the time.. or even most of it.. not anymore.. I am as mistrustful as ever.. just because.. but that doesn't mean that I can't be satisfied with life.  I've always said.. I will adjust to any situation... years ago.. I decided that I would lose weight.. and that I would train myself not to like desserts... and guess what... it took awhile.. but I no longer want desserts... there are a couple that have a good taste.. and I will eat on occasion.. but 99% of the time.. I'd rather just go back for meat if I'm still hungry.  It's a case of mind over matter.. The mind is very powerful... it can put us anywhere you want to go.. emotionally.  I don't think it takes all kinds of drugs to get your...

Opinions are like assholes.. everyone has one... and most of us think that most of them stink.. The thing is.. it's okay not to share the same opinion as someone else. That's what makes us all unique... but don't try to get to me to believe something just because you do.. or you'll wind up facing a lot of resistance.  I had a conversation recently about what constitutes "cheating"  ....my idea is extremely simple .. if you are with someone.. and you do something you feel you need to hide... you've just cheated.. You know it too.. deep down.. or you wouldn't feel the need to hide it.. because you haven't done anything wrong.  Have I cheated?... of course I have!! ...I would be lying to everyone including myself if I didn't admit it.  I don't feel guilty about it.. because I don't have a relationship worthy of making me feel that much guilt. Have I cheated on anyone I have had strong feelings of more than friendship for?  no.. I can hones...

Another lazy day.. I've been active in my game most of the day.. but for those who don't play, it's probably another day wasted. I don't care.. I like playing.. it keeps my mind occupied and gives me something to do that I don't have to worry about.  I don't have to interact with people anymore.. at least not more than usual. I still chat with a friend or two.. and still watch some occasional online tv.. I've been thinking about getting a 42" monitor/tv for my room. It's not something I really need.. but just something I want.. I will toy around with the idea for a bit longer before making a decision. I have a habit of jumping into decisions without first thinking about them. All actions have repercussions. Sometimes we just can't see those before they happen. I woke up early.. took a bath.. and made my bed this morning.. so it wasn't an entire lazy day.. but close to it.. I think that maybe I will try to get into the habit of doing just a...

I took the day off.. played World of Warcraft through most of it.. some would call it a wasted day.. I call it a day of no drama.. and just enjoying not worrying about anything.  I feel like I'm still drifting.. no direction at the moment.. but that's okay.. I  am  certain something will happen soon.  I am having a surgical procedure on the 18th of February... and will be off from work for a week.  I am not looking forward to that.. but it's something I've put off far too long..  in any case.. things should revert back to normal soon afterward.  I can't seem to get used to the weather.. it's 70's.. then ice storm.. then 70's.. now back to snow and ice this morning.. I believe this is the craziest year for weather that I've ever seen.  It has been such a quiet day.. sometimes it makes me think that being a hermit would be a perfect life for me.  I suppose I would miss having at least a little online interaction.. but I could handle just being ...