I Definitely Won't Take A Step Back.

I've always said... if you see yourself in one of my blogs... then it is probably aimed at you... but too many times we let ourselves be so overwhelmed with a feeling of guilt that we become a bit paranoid about what is said... even if we have reason to believe it is about us.  Personally... I mean what I say about the people formerly in my life... I really don't hold an grudges... I have just learned not to trust what people say to me.. because in reality.. most of the time they don't have a clue themselves what they are saying... life is a learning process.. and I've learned some valuable lessons.... not just from one person... nor two... but from many people.  I choose to live the way I do... only because I am not strong enough to just walk away... not when I can focus the blame on my situation at work... and just wait for it.  Am I a coward?.... you betcha...  I suppose there are periods where I have the strength to walk away... and if some miracle happens at work and we stay employed... I will used one of these times to grab what balls I have left and walk away.  I know it will be difficult.. as most people in my life are pushed out of it... rather than dealing with the daily reminder of how inadequate I was to be something substantial in a person's life.   I like not having to deal with the questions in my head of whether or not someone really means what they say to me...  Too many times in the past, I took what others said at face value... and based my actions and feelings on that.... and too many times I have been let down by my beliefs in another person.  I don't know what goes on with the people in my past for a reason... once a person shows me that they can make me believe in things they say... and then find out that it was a lie.. even if they were fooling themselves too... It takes a lot of time.. and a strong effort on their part to even  pull a small amount of trust from me.  If I'm not worth that effort.. I am perfectly fine with that.... but when someone turns my world upside down... I cannot just openly accept anything they say at face value.  Yes... I'm very cynical of everyone..  I've grown this way over time... and it's not just one.. or two people who have done this to me.   Anyone with any sense can look around and see what goes on in most every relationship.  That's why I don't see me having a relationship... not because of one issue.. or one person... but the collective of experiences I've been exposed to... not just mine.. but those of friends... and acquaintances.. I left the sites I was a member of for over 2 years for a reason... I might still be a member there... but I will never read through the posts there.. because it all is make believe.. there are more lies and fantasies there than almost any other place I can imagine. I guess it just all builds up over time... and some people get addicted to the fantasy.. they need the self-esteem boost.. even if it isn't real.... but I will struggle to keep my life very real... I cannot allow things to happen in it that might turn out to be misconstrued to the point where I put a foundation of my belief in them.  I don't care if I'm only existing... no one person is responsible for where I am now.. and no one should feel any guilt.  I've just learned that's the way people are... and I deal with it.. in the way that is best for me... I cannot tell anyone else how to live.. and I won't... if people choose to live in their fantasy world.. more power to them... but just don't be surprised when someone lies to you... after all.. none of it is actually true. I allow just a very few people in my life.. and I won't lie and say that I don't need anyone... we all need people to bounce things off.. and interact with... and there is a person I feel I can do that with.. but I'm not wanting more than friendship.. why would I be.. without a relationship in my life... I am the most comfortable I have ever been... the most drama free.  It took a very long time for me to get to this point.. I definitely won't take a step back.