I Plan To Stay Who I Am

Yesterday.. I was acting vocational manager.... I sometimes think about that word... "acting"  ...we all act a certain way in certain situations.  We all wear many different hats.  Most of us aren't even aware that we change our behaviors at times... but I suppose it all goes into who we are. I still care about people... in general... and still strive to be the best person I can be... but it's not for anyone else.. I do that to hold myself up to my standard. I don't want to disappoint me... and I've done that sometimes in my past.. It's all about choice.. and actions based on those choices... I get stern sometimes with my children.. and I "act" like a father ...I try to mold the minds of my students... at that point I "act" like an instructor...  I have been directing people in the department where I work...  I "act" like a manager.  I say cruel or antagonistic things.. I "act" like a prick. It doesn't matter what we are doing.. we tend to have certain behaviors that define us.  Some people only get to see certain sides of us... in the online community, most of the time... we only see the best side of someone... the side they want us to see... that's the reason that online relationships will not work.. not really.. it's still all a fantasy.. It is wrong of us to really declare anything more than friendship for anyone we only see a certain side of.  I suppose I fell into this several times... I "acted" like a boyfriend... and I can make up all kinds of excuses... we're all good at that... but truth be told.. there is no way that you can be in love with someone who just shows you the best parts of themselves... think about it this way... what happens when you aren't around... who is this person... do you know for a fact that they are "acting" like the same person you know... that is why so many online couples break up... they find out more.. and more about the person they are with.. I found out more and more things about my spouse after we were married.. her habits... her daily routine... I could guess some of it.. but I didn't truly know until I was able to spend a majority of my time with her.  ...I suppose that most people divorce for this reason.. they find out that what they signed up for.. wasn't exactly what they thought they were signing up for... some people get stuck with liars.. cheaters... abusive spouses - physically, mentally, and emotionally. It's just a matter of time before we are able to discover all the hidden things about the other people in our lives... I'm certain there are several things that no one knows about me.. and probably never will. We fool ourselves into believing that a person is a certain way.. because we want it to be that way.  In reality, we don't have a clue as to who we are interacting with.. we make a best "guesstimate" to try to find someone we are compatible with.. and sometimes we miss the mark.. and are stuck in a commitment that will cause us more emotional wear and tear than we can sometimes handle.  How can we say we know someone else... when most of us.. don't even know ourselves completely. I enjoy having friends.. only if it is very limited in number.. and even if I don't know them completely.  I don't need to know anyone completely.. it's not like I'm going to be involved in a deep relationship.  I like my relationship status... my only regret is having to live as a single guy in my home.. no... that's not exactly right.. a single guy wouldn't be tied to the emotional commitment that I feel.

My spouse still doesn't seem to be even remotely trying for a job.. so I will take the first opportunity when my job situation settles.. to move forward with my life.  I really can't begin to say what happens next.. I'm still caught in my limbo.. waiting on my world to change.  I hate the fact that I'm going to end up calling her bluff.. I don't think she thinks I'll move out... but she's wrong.  I don't even know why she would want me here in the first place... we speak occasionally.. I bring in money.. and support them.. I can do that when I'm not living here.   I feel much calmer when I can just be alone.. when I go on trips to work... or can drive out somewhere by myself... I do love my daughters.. but they will need to adjust to what is about to happen.

I enjoy my gaming.. it allows me to travel for a brief time.. to a world away from my own.. where I can actually get out and do things.. and it's enough of a non-realistic fantasy that I don't cross the border in thinking that this is actually who I am.. So many people enjoy living the fantasy.. getting away from their own life... This is the way I can do it.. and not intrude into other people's bubble... I die on the game.. no problem.. It is slightly irritating.. but even that will keep my reality in check... It allows me to concentrate my thoughts on something and just put aside the troubles and worries of this world.. I guess it's sort of like a drug... and yes... at times I might even be a little addicted to World of Warcraft... but I am not physically hurting myself.. I feel it's a safe avenue to channel myself when I just need to get away for a bit.

I keep starting new paragraphs.. like there is something else I want to say.. but for the life of me.. I can't quite figure out what it is.   I don't want to keep repeating the same things... over and over in my blogs.. but sometimes I do anyway.. because they are the most important points that go on in my head.  I'm starting to see a growth in a few of my friends... I think they are finally settling into a place in their life that is reasonable for them... instead of trying to just accept anything that life throws them. I am glad they can do this... it's been said that I try to influence people.. sure... we all do.. with all of our words and actions... we enjoy it when people think like we do... but I would hate to spend time with someone who is me... if I wanted that... I could just be alone... it's our differences who make us who we are... and I'm proud of the growth that people are exhibiting in their quest to be who they are.  No one should ever be able to make us change our principles and basic beliefs.. if they can.. then who we are.. isn't very much of anyone... We each take our situations and deal with them in the best way for us... not for other people... I cannot tell anyone they are wrong in how they feel... but I can say that it would be wrong for me to feel a certain way... because I'm getting to the point that I know me now... very well in fact.  I plan to stay who I am.