Under my Hat

For some reason... my eyes opened extra-early this morning... it was still dark out when I got up... which isn't completely unusual, but not the norm lately. I am sleeping somewhat better than I have been. I guess it's just because of my ability to unload all this extra crap running around inside of my mind. Most of my free time has been spent on the two sites, but I'm a little concerned that maybe I am overdoing it a bit.   ...don't get me wrong, I really don't care what too many people think, I just like to interact and enjoy that interaction... but I'm thinking that I might actually be giving the wrong idea to anyone who might try to question my motives for being there.  I have found a few friends in the online world over the years... and where they are just that.. friends.. I gave them the opportunity to see the real me... not the over-caffeinated, over-zealous clown running around the sites.. I think maybe I'm trying to occupy my mind just a bit too mu...

I went to see the gastroenterologist today... just a pre appointment to be followed up with my first colonoscopy in September... It's supposed to be routine prevention for people 50+ ...I can't really say I'm enthused with being knocked out and having a Nikon shoved up my anus, but what can you do... I signed a thing saying he could remove any polyps he finds.. I just don't wanting him removing my balls from the inside.. I trust he knows how to guide the camera through unexplored territory. I was told that the stuff you drink the day before is the worst part of it... but I really can't see that being the case... My rectum is exit only... no matter what I might say on the site..  I may have actually been with someone once that slightly went there... but I was probably too nervous to remember.. I like being a tight ass.. I wanna keep it that way. So... I've had an influx on people interacting with me on the sites.. not sure why really... I'm just the same a...

Okay... so I had a great time last night... fun... listen to some good.. and awful karaoke.. got a bit tipsy.. and hung out with two wonderful friends... it was awesome.. I think I needed that more than I knew. I know that life has a way of healing if we just hang loose and let things be for the most part.  It's when we buck against fate that we run into issues.  I realize that I don't have to have romantic involvements to have fun.  I think that it does take someone else to interact with.. to spark that best part of who I am.  I can kid myself all I want and say I can be okay alone.. and yes.. I can exist.. just like anyone else... but I think that interaction is the catalyst that brings to the forefront the best part of who we are... otherwise we just sit and stagnate. Sure... the physical stuff would be nice.. at least on occasion... but emotionally, I feel that without that release of comradery, we spend too much time in our own heads. We can talk ourselves into...

Sometimes I wonder if this is good therapy for me.. or just a reminder of the negative things I already know.  I tend to blog about a lot of the negative things in my life, hoping to get them all out of my system.... but could it be that bringing them out just shines a focus onto them?   I should start blogging more about my everyday activities instead ... but that's not really what is "under my hat" ...my thoughts... feelings.. emotions... that is what I try to blog about.  Maybe I should change the name of it.. but that really wouldn't make much sense either. The town I live in is having a street fest today... I thought about going downtown to it.. but it's a couple miles away... and I'd have to try to find a place to park.. which would be nearly impossible.. or maybe I could walk... but then I'd be walking most of the day.. and I don't have anyone to call if I get stuck out there... Besides, I had a couple of friends offer  to meet me for dinner....

As I lay down last night, I had some ideas to blog in my head... and I thought... I need to get that down... but I was tired.. and sleepy, so I proceeded to fall asleep... now I can't remember ... maybe it was something so profound, it needs to stay lost.  I'm pretty sure I don't come up with that type of stuff anymore. I am almost to a point in my life.. where I am getting comfortable with being alone. I don't want to become one of those old men like my ex's father.  He was a cantankerous old coot who was so steadfast in his ways that he never listened to anyone else. ...and he seems alone in this world. I'm not so put off by the fact that I may be alone the rest of my life... the thing that sorta disturbs me is.. that it's not such a bad proposition. I had some idea in my head that I would be free of a prison when I got divorced.. and to a point I was... we rarely talked.. and she never listened.. well.. she listened.. but then did as she pleased.. Since ...

Today is Father's Day... I've already talked to my dad 7 times today... sent him a present... but it hasn't been just a week or so since I've seen him. My daughters texted me "Happy Father's Day" ...and that's all I heard from anyone today. Well... I did get 2 texts from friends who wished me the same... but I've spent most of my day bouncing back and forth from being online... to baking... it seems to preoccupy my mind and get me in a better mood. I posted something online that I probably shouldn't have.. but I thought.. hell.. why not? ...who or what is stopping me?  ...so I did it.  It'll come down at some point anyway. I am enjoying the mindless posting... and I've been listening to a lot of different music... at least for me.. Steampunk... I love it, actually. My new favorite band is Steam Powered Giraffe... I would actually go see them in concert, but they're not playing anywhere near me ...at least not this year. I got asked...

I think we take time for granted... I wonder sometimes about the last few seconds of my life.. will I want more time? ...sorta morbid, huh..   But I am certain at that point I'd give almost anything for just a short period of time to do... something.. but what?  We waste so much of our life worrying about things that really don't matter... holding things against people... that's why I am trying not to hold it against my dad on how he is...  or my ex for being the way she is... I might not be living life to the fullest.. but I'm dealing with my life the way it is... I weigh each moment.. and where I might not be jetsetting to the Caribbean.. or to some tropical island somewhere.. I find things to make my life just a little better.  I think my PMS is over. I went back the last couple of months... and it does seem like I'm in the same down cycle sometime during the middle of each month.. weird, huh. I spent the morning visiting everyone on my site visitor page and jus...

I think it's that time of the month again... I feel somewhat sad for no reason... so I've been putting on my happy face and masquerading as someone with nothing wrong... but it seems like a lot is wrong with my life.  I can tell myself it isn't all I want.. but I would love things to be even just a bit different.  I can't put my finger on what's missing.  I need to grab myself by the balls and remember that I have some.. and then make some positive changes. I just get so tired of rejection... at times it seems like my daughters reject me... when my neighbor's daughters asked me to play last night... it was fun... but then late last night, I got sad... missing my little girls.. even though they aren't that little anymore... so then comes the mask... I use humor and sarcasm to put myself in a better mood... and I was able to do that a bit.. but then certain things happen where I feel maybe I'm not really where I belong.. that maybe I'm intruding on th...

I enjoyed myself today... nooooo.. not in THAT way... I have begun to phase that out of my life I think... I haven't had that sort of inspiration in months really.. I joke about it on the sites.. but that's all it is.. talk.. The way I enjoyed myself was after work.. just before dark.. my neighbor's two daughters came to my door and knocked on it.. asked me if I wanted to catch lightning bugs... and I decided to drop what I was doing and go... turns out my neighbor wanted me to watch them for a bit while she went to pick up something... I appreciate that she trusts me that much with her daughters.. I know it would be difficult for me to do that with my daughters when they were that young (6 and 3 years old)  ...anyway I ended up turning it into tag and all went well... they really didn't want me to go. Maybe I'll go out again soon. Other than that.. my life has been hiding inside from the heat.. it's been freakin' hot ... well.. hot enough anyway.  I am s...

It's been a bit.. I have been stuck for a week in my hometown at my dad's.. he doesn't have internet, and my phone doesn't get good enough signal there to tether. It HAS been a good week for the reason I got to see my daughters quite a bit.  My ex's house had a tree fall on it. Luckily it didn't do much damage... I got a friend to clear it for only $500... which was less than 1/4 the estimates. Unfortunately, my dad followed me back home, as usual... He will probably be here for a week or so...  I'll need another vacation when he leaves. I have spent a bit of time on the site, and where I enjoy getting out the pent up "smart assery" that I tend to emit, I am trying not to overdo it... I don't want to be addicted to anything, and it seems like I could be easily sucked in. I worry about some of my interaction... I don't want anyone to think I am actually flirting with any intentions... and I also am concerned because of my past about my i...