Sometimes That's All It Takes.

I think we take time for granted... I wonder sometimes about the last few seconds of my life.. will I want more time? ...sorta morbid, huh..   But I am certain at that point I'd give almost anything for just a short period of time to do... something.. but what?  We waste so much of our life worrying about things that really don't matter... holding things against people... that's why I am trying not to hold it against my dad on how he is...  or my ex for being the way she is... I might not be living life to the fullest.. but I'm dealing with my life the way it is... I weigh each moment.. and where I might not be jetsetting to the Caribbean.. or to some tropical island somewhere.. I find things to make my life just a little better.  I think my PMS is over. I went back the last couple of months... and it does seem like I'm in the same down cycle sometime during the middle of each month.. weird, huh. I spent the morning visiting everyone on my site visitor page and just wishing them a good day and much happiness... and I do want that for them.. we're all a bit too damaged from life to worry about seeing others suffer.. I would love to see my ex-wife find someone she would be happy with... I saw some posts on a site about how one person I was involved with is now settled with a job, and is happy with a guy... and it made me feel good inside.. a little sad for me.. but that's just self-pity trying to creep in.. I do care about people... and whether things are going good or bad for them... has nothing to do with me.
..but back to the time thing.. time seems to pass by some days, and I wonder where it actually went. Sometimes whole weekends do that. I do feel a little better when I get things accomplished, but at the same time... I enjoy just sitting and recharging myself some days also. I have always taken on so many roles at work... My co-worker said something that made me wonder.. "How would they ever get along around here without you to do the work?"  ...things always work out... no matter how difficult it gets.. no matter if it is me.. or someone else.. and it has always been that way. My ex will stop getting alimony in 94 months... which seems like a long time. I worry sometimes about how she will get along.. but she has quite awhile to plan for it. I have to stop blaming myself for things that aren't my fault. That is much of my problem... I try to take on too much responsibility. I put too much importance into my role... and I'm not all that important.. at least not to anyone but myself.  I am not saying I am shit... or anything like that.. I value who I am.. I need to place more focus on what I am.. and who I am... I do that occasionally.. like when I made the decision to get divorced and move up here. Finances aren't always the easiest thing to come up with, but I still have faith that things will work out for the best. Sometimes that's all it takes.