Because It's Really Me.

For some reason... my eyes opened extra-early this morning... it was still dark out when I got up... which isn't completely unusual, but not the norm lately. I am sleeping somewhat better than I have been. I guess it's just because of my ability to unload all this extra crap running around inside of my mind. Most of my free time has been spent on the two sites, but I'm a little concerned that maybe I am overdoing it a bit.   ...don't get me wrong, I really don't care what too many people think, I just like to interact and enjoy that interaction... but I'm thinking that I might actually be giving the wrong idea to anyone who might try to question my motives for being there.  I have found a few friends in the online world over the years... and where they are just that.. friends.. I gave them the opportunity to see the real me... not the over-caffeinated, over-zealous clown running around the sites.. I think maybe I'm trying to occupy my mind just a bit too much. ...probably because I really am a lonely guy.. and I spend most of my life in this house with just my computer as a connection to the outside world. I actually just need a couple of close friends instead of a multitude of casual ones.. but it's been my experience that most people need their own space most of the time, because they have their own lives to live.. and I'm not really a part of someone's world for the most part...online or off. I sit here and think about that from time-to-time.. I do occasionally get to interact with a few people on a personal basis.. not physically, or sexually.. which is okay.. but my personal interaction is so sparse it really doesn't account for much of my time. I see posts online frequently about how someone misses...intimacy.. or a hug... or something else which I'm missing in my life.. but I try to push it out of my mind and not dwell on that thought, because it's a defense mechanism of mine... to make light of anything with any substance and move on quickly.  I do know myself well enough to know that.. If I let myself get caught up in those self-pity thoughts, then I become down again... and I don't like being that person. I much prefer to deflect and dodge the deep emotional issues.  I still occasionally get stymied by a deep thought and make a serious, reflective post.. and that's okay.. but then to wipe that out of my head.. I cannonball into the ludicrous antics and ..POOF ... all gone... it's sort of like writing here.. .yeah.. I confront some of my deepest feelings here... but then it allows me to move forward and leave those feelings behind. I'm still that onion with many layers.. but my surface layers are the ones I can shed.. those deep rooted ones.. those are the ones I hang on to.. because it's really me.

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