I Just Don't Know If I Can Do It.

As I lay down last night, I had some ideas to blog in my head... and I thought... I need to get that down... but I was tired.. and sleepy, so I proceeded to fall asleep... now I can't remember ... maybe it was something so profound, it needs to stay lost.  I'm pretty sure I don't come up with that type of stuff anymore. I am almost to a point in my life.. where I am getting comfortable with being alone. I don't want to become one of those old men like my ex's father.  He was a cantankerous old coot who was so steadfast in his ways that he never listened to anyone else. ...and he seems alone in this world. I'm not so put off by the fact that I may be alone the rest of my life... the thing that sorta disturbs me is.. that it's not such a bad proposition. I had some idea in my head that I would be free of a prison when I got divorced.. and to a point I was... we rarely talked.. and she never listened.. well.. she listened.. but then did as she pleased.. Since the divorce, she's gotten a bit more independent.. even though I seem to still pay for everything.. but she's actually able to handle things on her own.. and now she has confidence in doing so. I'm glad that's happened for her.. and I hope she will find someone to grow old with.  All I've discovered is that at my age.. everyone is too broken or has expectations of perfection... and I am far from perfect.  I make my mistakes just like everyone else. I live with those mistakes every day. The only major regret I have about getting divorced.. is that I don't see my daughters anymore... and they rarely make time for me.  I did get a father's day card through the mail.. and a happy father's day text.. but they evidently didn't have time to get on the phone for a few minutes.. which makes me a bit sad.  ...I'm not going to wallow in self-pity  (this is the part where I'm psyching myself up)    I have to be there for me.. because I don't really feel like there's anyone in this world I can count on besides myself.. I touched on that in a previous posting.. I'm not trying to generate sympathy.. I'm just stating fact. It bothered me at one time.. even slightly depressed me.. but I can't really change how other people see me. I have to continue to be who I am. (again with the psyching up)

I am somewhat afraid of relationships.. a small part of me wants to be in one.. but a huge part of me knows that only leads to more pain and discomfort.  I always thought it was good enough to just care for someone else.. to try to be there for them when they needed you.. to listen.. and share.. to treat them just like yourself.. but that's not what everyone wants.  The relationships I've been in have sucked most of my soul out.. and I have to retain the rest of what I have.. just for me. I'm at a point where I don't have much left to give.  ...if I do find someone out there that's worth me sacrificing what I have left.. I just don't know if I can do it. 

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