Trapped In My Past.

I was having a discussion with someone earlier... and I realized that I think I'm as close to a peaceful state of mind as I've ever been.  I have come to several realizations over the years... People only have the power in your life that you give them. You cannot control their actions.. but you can control your reactions. I think that maybe there are a few people in my life that I gave too much power.. and I soon came to regret it. That's why I'm always careful about that now. I try to live my life with putting my past away... not to say that I don't think about it occasionally, but I refuse to let it influence my actions or decisions. That's why I can say I'm at a good place. Too many times we hang on to hate or anger... and it really doesn't hurt anyone but ourselves. I appreciate all the people that have been a part of my life... because each and every one of them have brought something to my life... even the negative experiences have been life lessons that I needed to learn... and those negative experiences are only a matter of perspective... we all have different ways of looking at any situation. I know I have been narrow-minded at times when dealing people and situations.  Looking back.. I've done many people wrong.. at least when I look at it from their perspective. Je... I held on knowing that you had moved on... and tried to coerce you into making you stay in my life even though I knew you had severe trust issues... and that was wrong of me.  Ju.. I used you as a pawn even though I called you my friend.. I tried manipulating you into doing my dirty work..  Ki..Even though I maintained I only wanted friendship with my words, with my actions I led you on to the point of making you believe I might have wanted more.. and then pulled back when you got close... Fa.. I misinterpreted your words to believe you were lying to me when in fact I think you were not even sure what you wanted.. and I scared you with my words and actions when we were together.  I lashed out when I felt betrayed but then I disappeared... I ran because I didn't know what else to do for a long time.  Pa.. I pushed us apart when I crowded your space.. I knew that when I encroached on your life as I did that it would cause issues.. and I did so anyway. I said I walked away because I was hurting you emotionally to the point where you were becoming physically sick.. and that was a small part of it.. but I never tried to contact you again because a part of me still holds on to what we had.. and I'm always afraid I'll run into you somewhere because of our physical proximity.. and that would tear me apart. Jo.. I call you my friend, but my actions are those of someone who is warm and friendly... then even more … then I push you away before we get too close... because I refuse to let anyone get close.... and it's not fair to you for me to meander in my thoughts and actions... even though I know we can't ever get close.. and although I keep maintaining that.. I open that door and peek through on rare occasions. I won't do that.
There are many people who have been a brief part of my life... providing some influence.. or some lesson.. and I have done several regretful actions... but I'm not so certain I wouldn't do them the same way if I had much of it to do over again... A lot of it has become a part of who I am... the way I see things.. and I choose to only bring it up now... to say I'm sorry.. and it doesn't really matter if any of you see this.. or even if you accept my apology.. the fact is that I do regret that so much negativity has come from what I've said or done... and I need to put that behind me.. to learn from it as I'm hoping others have.  I don't worry about what's been said or done to me anymore.. because as I said in the first place.. people only have power when you give it.  I have said my peace.. and now I'm at peace with it.. it's something I truly feel.. so I apologize for myself as much as for anyone else. I don't need to move on... but I won't stay trapped in my past .