I Am Me.

I sometimes blog things that appear multiple times... and that's okay.. it probably means that it is something that keeps running through my head. I will say that my past isn't something I blog about much other than comments here and there... that's because I honestly feel I've put my past behind me. I will never forget what's happened to me.. and I'd be lying if I said it didn't influence me... we are a culmination of our past experiences.. that's why I'm okay with everything... besides.. there's nothing I can... or would change now. I find that how I view people in a much more negative light.. at least most people. that doesn't mean I will try to mistreat anyone... it only means that I don't let many people close... I've talked about my bubble before... I have discovered that when you keep to yourself... the bubble is very calm.. but it becomes lonely. We all need other people... no matter how much we say we don't. When we aren't in a relationship... or when we are by ourselves... we tend to internalize most of what we are feeling... it's during my last year and a half that I pushed my daughters away.. not intentionally... but because I was afraid to feel.. to let myself become vulnerable to anyone.. I kept my friends ....what few I have.. at arms length... I tried to be there for them.. but there was still that part of me that didn't want anyone closer than occasional companionship.  I wasn't ready to open up my heart because I chose to give it to the wrong person... I've done that before... and tried to believe in something that only I believed in.. I've learned that is a huge mistake and only leads to eventual pain and suffering. I also have learned that if something is meant to be... it happens... and there are no hinky feelings... even if you try to have them... you can put a few stumbling blocks up... but the feeling is so much different.  When I found what I currently have... I wasn't looking for anything of substance... I wasn't actually looking for anything real.. I had given up on it.. and my head told me it wasn't out there... Some things just choose to happen.. and even if there are reservations at the beginning... if you look at it completely objectively... you see and know... even if you try to avoid it... it will worm its way into your heart... because something of substance won't leave you alone.. it won't cause hurt.. it is supportive in ways that only those who have experienced it.. can know.  It's not really something you can describe.. I consider myself somewhat of a wordsmith... and there are times when the feeling is completely beyond anything I could ever hope to convey in words alone.

That being said.. there are times when we become so conditioned to the positive influences in our lives.. that we forget about the negative people in the world... we start letting our walls erode.. or expanding our bubble.. It's good to open yourself to new experiences... but the world hasn't changed from last year.. or 5 years ago... people are still the same.  The problem only occurs when we let ourselves be influenced in ways that cause us to deviate from our standards...  Standards.. think about that... we have a certain belief system in place.. it's part of what makes us who we are... it's what makes us happy with ourselves when we can live to who we are.. Too many times we let people change us... and we will justify it however we can. I know that I have... losing pieces of who I am... to support people who aren't deserving of my support... or by trusting in people I have given too much benefit of the doubt to.. Most people are generally the same... and few people ever change.  One of the largest problems I've run into is that being online... will wear away at people over a period of time.  We compromise here.. then there... then all of a sudden, we find ourselves someone we never wanted to be.  That's the main reason I left the online world for so long before... but I keep my mind astute to even subtle changes in who I am.  When something occurs that leads to drama.. or causes my behavior to change, it's time for me to reverse my direction. I can't let myself support things that I don't believe in... I won't become something I'm not.. I've been down that path before.. and it's somewhere I will never be again. I'm so thankful for the support I have... and I want only to show those that support me that... I am me...