Under my Hat

A new year... made my trip to see my daughters.  It was a good trip in that respect, but I am back now.   It is always a bit difficult to leave. I usually spend the last night with my uncle in Nashville... sort of a transition, I suppose.. This time, my dad decided to follow me back.  I could make this post another rant about how my dad is getting on my nerves and blah...blah...blah... but he's old... and his health is a bit worse... I'll deal with it. I have no recourse with my ex but to stop child support on my oldest.  She refuses to let me carry her as a dependent on my taxes... and refuses to discuss it... so I'm taking action.   That's just life... for each action...or inaction... there are consequences... it's time she learns that.  I am going to be a bit more hard-nosed about the whole thing now.   I re-read some of my old posts... and it appears as though I might not be happy.... but I truly am. I am very happy with who I a...

Lots of time free... but I've retreated into my game... World of Warcraft. I don't play with others there.. just by myself... It's something to keep my brain occupied. I am still happier than I've ever been.  My prison is of my own choosing... not one I can't escape. I have friends I spend a bit of time with... and I'm even seeing someone. It's not like it is an ideal relationship. It's more of a sharing of affection from time to time.. even if it's not on a physical level... That's what I was missing for so many years.  It seems as though I try to compare a relationship to what I've had in the past. I have said many times, that one shouldn't live in the past... and I still believe that with all my heart. ..I don't. I plan on living in the present. Maybe it is arguable that what I'm doing isn't living.. but I think most of us don't live our lives to the fullest extent. I still have long-time friends who contact me from ...

So.... it's been awhile.  Maybe I really haven't been in a sharing mood... but things are going well for the most part. I'm not working nearly as much overtime.  ...and there is someone I've been seeing since January.  She's a really nice person, but... so was my ex. I will call her "B".  We don't get to see each other a lot, but I figure that's much better than being smothered.  I still talk with various people I have met online... but I'm a bit mistrustful of the intentions of most of them.  ...of course there are a few exceptions.  As with everything, I just be myself. I  have had several comment on my not going back to the sites. I realized that I don't have to do anything I'm not comfortable with.  I always knew that, but now I'm at a place in my life where I don't have a lot of expectations.  I don't really have expectations with B. I'm still waiting to see where it goes.  She's independent, but very timid. I a...

So... life has been busy lately... I've been working quite a bit of overtime.. I took a trip in May to see my daughter graduate and to be with them for my 50th birthday... I'm still seeing the redhead.. We got  the go-ahead on our advanced training program... and now... I just got diagnosed with Bell's Palsey. My trip to Kentucky wasn't too bad... I didn't mind turning 50... and I was overjoyed to spend some actual face time with my daughters. My oldest one graduated and is going to University of Louisville this fall. She and her cousin had orientation for the last 2 days.  After my trip, I left myself 4 days of recuperation time from my dad before going back to work... as I was actually staying with him. Turns out that evidently he wanted to make certain I got back safe, so he followed me for the 11 hours back to my house and stayed those 4 days. Dad puts so much stress in my life.. probably part of the reason I was diagnosed Thursday with Bell's Palsey.  I...

I don't know why I get so frustrated at times... I think it's because I feel as though I have sowed good karma seeds and am just waiting for that to grow... but it doesn't seem to be.  ...or maybe I am not correct in assuming I deserve good stuff to happen to me. It seems the more I work on improving things, the farther and farther I fall behind.  I know life doesn't have a manual... but a few short instructions from time to time would help tremendously. I know that I'm guilty of having high expectations. I need to lower those. ...no expectations would probably be more appropriate. On a good note, I think we're getting to go forward with our advanced training program at the center where I work. I am torn on what I want to happen. If I start teaching this... it will mean a nice position to add to my resume... but really I'd like to stay in the program I am in... I just want to climb higher as far as my position goes... but that isn't going to happen un...

Well... nothing happened with the new date... I believe in the back of my mind I suspected that... I just didn't want to admit it. I think everyone is looking for perfect.... or nearly perfect... and I personally don't think that such a thing comes pre-made... you have to work at something for it to be viable. Sure... relationships come and go... Most fizzle out because they start burning too hot, too quickly. I'm not above taking the time to make something work... my problem is... I still hold on to my cynicism.. I don't really want to believe in anything or anyone because of my past experiences. No... I'm not blaming anyone in particular except myself. I was the one that wanted to believe in people. I've learned differently... I have a few friends... and they seem to be good friends... but I think it would be a mistake in taking it any farther than that because I don't seem to feel anything on a "love" level ...I've felt something pretty str...

Red doesn't seem to be interested... So I quit seeing her... and tonight I went out with someone else.  I'm impressed. We'll see how it goes, but I don't want to take anything too quickly.  At least she seems to have a sense of humor.  She also has an air of sophistication about her. The first date went really well... at least as far as I am concerned... although she could be sitting at home laughing her ass off that the matchmaking service set her up with me.... I'm fairly confident though that things might go well with this one... finally.  I'm wondering if I've set up high expectations... I'm a decent person.. but I'm sure my faults will show through as we get to know each other more. I'm going to try to think positive though.  I will say that in my review, I couldn't think of anything negative to say... That was a definite plus. I am not looking to jump deeply into anything, but at the same time... I don't want to date one after anot...

I've learned that I have a very suspicious nature... at least in accepting a compliment. I had a supervisor send me an email thanking me for all I do... and my experience and knowledge I bring to the center, as well as my willingness to help out. I know this all to be true.. not being the slightest bit modest... but I never have received something like that out of the blue.. so my brain went straight to "What does she want from me?" I know she is happily married.. so I don't think it's anything personal.. but now I'm watching for a request for something added to my list of stuff I do extra... or maybe it was just someone being nice and appreciative.  I find that odd and even unnerving at times... basically because I don't think people are that way naturally. How many people send nice letters to people without some motivation... whether it be a specific day.... or something they hope to get from that person.  I'll be the first to admit that I almost ne...

It's a bit of a tense week at work.. we're having our review... happens once every 2 - 3 years... and all the managers go ape shit crazy for a few weeks... everyone is trying to hide all the stuff we're doing that we aren't supposed to be doing... and make it look like we are doing all the stuff we're supposed to be doing that we're not. In other words, it's a dog and pony show... I've been through many of them though. I am not hanging anyone out to dry, but I'm not lying about anything either. I'm just hoping for Friday to get here and all to be over with so things can get back to normal. I made beans and cornbread last night... let the stove stay on simmer all night long. Tonight is chicken breasts... and leftover pinto beans and cornbread... I'm getting decent at making it as a pan of cornbread... as I usually just make corncakes... still it's nice to experiment in the kitchen. I don't really have a whole lot on my mind as of ri...

I got a call from my daughter tonight... No matter how I'm feeling.. even if I'm a little down, that always puts me in an awesome mood. I wish we weren't so far apart.... but this is the way it has to be. There is a lot that I have adjusted to... and tell myself that this is the way it is now. It isn't always a bad thing... but I do have to believe I'm trying to do the best I can. It's all about perspective, I suppose. I tend to make decisions based on what I believe to be the best at the time... and I need to stick with those... not second guess myself so much.  It's not like things are horrible in my life.  Sure... things could always be better... but I tend to let myself fall into a rut that I should not. I have a choice each and every day... doing what I need to do... and then I worry about if I made the right choice. I guess I could say I'm in a relationship now...I'll call her "Red".  I don't know where it is going... and I am t...

Soooooooo.... maybe the date on Wednesday night didn't go as well as I thought.... I've sent a couple of messages.. and get very short answers... That plus the fact that she updated her dating profile... leads me to believe she is still seeking something else... I get that she might not be certain about "us" ...but to be actively engaged in the process of looking for more... I'll just say it doesn't put me in a positive mode of thinking about her experience with me.  That's okay ...it goes back to the crappy saying I hate "It is what it is" ...although I thought that one date is almost impossible to get a good indicator on how things are going.. unless it truly was a bad one for her.  My last online account ...the one at eharmony runs out in a few weeks... and I'm not renewing it... I'll just continue in my own fashion and let nature take its course.  I know I've always said that to make changes, you have to play an active role... bu...

Just woke up from a dream about zombies... and my old center where I worked... I was trying to make it to my new location... but a gas was released into the air that turned a lot of the students into zombies... It was a strange dream.. I have a dilemma... I have gone out a couple of times with someone who is a wonderful person... sweet... fun to talk with... easy going.... but she doesn't seem to have much of a sense of humor... at least not to my level... and she seems to be a bit on the uptight side.  Enter girl two.. I went out with last night... she's smart... a bit of a techie like myself.. seems to have a great sense of humor and we started to click... but because she works in DC and gets up at 3:30 each morning we had to cut our date short... I don't know what I think of her yet... but I don't want to be a "player"  ...I don't know if either is going to work out, to be honest... I'm not going out with anyone else until I figure out what's h...

I think my lab people just wanted to worry the crap out of me for no reason... I went to the doc today... and he double checked the results... seems they put the sample I gave them in a centrifuge to get all the sperm into a small area.. then checked it... where normal would be about 3 million or so... there were 3... yes only 3!  The chances of getting pregnant with 3 are about the same as getting oral sex... it's just not going to happen unless there is divine intervention somewhere...  here's an interesting article on why it takes so many sperm to impregnate a woman: This question always comes up in regard to human fertility. If it takes only one sperm to fertilize and egg, why does a low sperm count make a man infertile? A fertile male human ejaculates between 2 and 5 milliliters(ml) of semen (on average about a teaspoon). In each ml there are normally about 100 million sperm. If the concentration falls below 20 million sperm per milliliter there is usually some trouble...

I'm off tomorrow... going back to the doc to see what the hell happened with my vasectomy... I mean.. it wasn't a pleasant experience... it was supposed to be simple though... and then that's it.... fixed. Only in my case, it didn't take... I have no idea why.... but I was out $1300 of my own that the insurance didn't cover... for nothing. Seems like my life has been a series of bumps lately and I am getting worn pretty thin. But I'm stronger than that... I'll be okay... just need to pause and get my second wind.  I've come through far worse and kept on going... I don't know how many more times I can roll with the punches though. Part of me just wants to go to sleep and sleep for years.. but I can't do that... I wouldn't want to do that.  The next thing I'm looking forward to is in May... my daughter's graduation... I told her I'd be there... and I intend on keeping that promise.  They've screwed up my W2 form at work... for ...

Cold rainy morning... at least it will get rid of some of the snow and ice that's been lingering around for weeks now... that kinda happens when you get 42 inches of snow. Sometimes residuals of a lot of things hang around for far too long. I still remember so many things about my past... but I try not to live in it... things happen... then they're over. Our lives seem to be a hodgepodge of events just strung together... not having a main theme... My life is like a poorly written book. There is no plot... plenty of conflict... antagonists... but nothing clear cut and defined. I suppose in a way, life itself is a struggle. Maybe my dad has it right... no one says you have to be happy... I still hear those words ring out in my mind often... I am in a decent place in my life... most of the time... but for me... a decent place just means that I'm not struggling with the day. I hear certain songs on the radio... or see certain movies or TV shows... and I've connected them w...

So... I've been going on some dates recently... I've pretty much given up on finding normal people online, yet... I have no social life and what attempts I've made to get one have failed miserably. So... I did something stupid.  I spent my performance bonus this year on a matchmaking service. They're supposed to match me up with 4 people after hours of interview and questions... In retrospect, it's probably not my most intelligent decision, but I've been out with 3 people from the service so far. The first one I went out with.... was just prior to the biggest snowfall  on record.. and we've been out twice since. She is a really nice person... but I haven't felt that "click" yet... I don't know if I ever will...  The second person... well.. she was an art teacher... very conveniently located.... and we had a nice dinner..... good conversation... but I've realized I could probably have a decent date with just about anyone if I even halfw...

Well... 2015 is finally gone...  and I by some miraculous event I survived. I certainly hope 2016 brings less physical, emotional, financial, and psychological  turmoil to my life.  If it adds much in any of these categories, I'm in for a very rough year.  I continue to take out what life dishes to me... and I'll ask for more.  I don't feel like I've had a horrible year... just one that bordered on chaos most of the time.  I continue to believe I will move forward, but I know it'll continue to take effort as well.. and without a few things in my corner to support me... I don't know how much of that is possible.  I still feel like I'm alone most of the time in my world.. and that's okay... I've come to accept that.. and even have gotten comfortable with it. I choose my path... and it's a matter of consequences based on my actions and decisions... as most people's paths are... but I tend to get tossed about most of the time.. only making the d...