Under my Hat

Tick... tock.. tick.. tock...  Have you ever looked at a clock.. and just watched the seconds ticking away.. If you think about it... that's time you can't ever have back.  I think that most of us are alloted so much time in this world.  It's a shame we spend so much of it in meaningless activities.. almost "wasting" our lives.  Sometimes I think about all the things I'd like to do.. and then I end up doing some wishful thinking.. eventually leading to daydreaming.. then comes the remorse at being in a position where I may never end up doing whatever it is I was thinking about in the first place.  We shouldn't spend our lives regretting what decisions we have made.. but sometimes it is somewhat difficult not to think about how things could be different.  I make all my decisions now with only one restriction placed on me.. my daughters... and I am not resenting them as much as I thought I would... but I there is still just a bit of resentment there.  I ...

Have you ever wondered how things came to be the way the way they are.. and you just can't figure out what you've done to cause it.  I suppose there are a lot of things in my life I just can't see.. just because I am too involved in it.  There are many things that I plan to do.. or intend on addressing.. but it just never happens.  Maybe I am lazier than I realize... maybe things are just not as important to me as I thought they might be... the fact remains that I can't blame anyone but myself for the issues in my life.  My actions.. or lack of actions.. have put me in the place I am now... which really isn't all that bad of a position... it just makes me think of how much better things would be.. if I had truly paid attention to what was going on in my life.. and not wasted so much time chasing fantasies.  Well.. I am more of a realist now than I ever have been.. and there will be no more chasing dreams.. I have intentions that are based on realistic goals... ...

I think I'm growing emotionally.. at least I hope I am.  I see the development of my friends and at times.. only wish I could help them. I keep my interaction very limited though.  Still.. when I am able.. I try to put forth a few words of encouragement.  No one has to live their life any way they don't want to live it.  Sometimes it just takes time for people to see that. One of the nice things about life is.. you really do always have a choice... sometimes.. the choices suck pond scum.. but there is still a choice. A person has to be happy with who they are.. before they can accomplish anything meaningful.. I know I've said this before.. but it's just a chance for me to reiterate it.  I have left behind parts of my life that no longer apply to me.. and I will continue to keep people around me who have something meaningful to contribute to my life.. or at least those that are not destructive.. I suppose that's part of the reason I cut people out of my life at t...

I should be studying.. prepping my resume.. or doing something constructive.  ...I have a bit a problem with getting motivated.. just as I usually do.  I think sometimes we are conditioned to adjust to our surroundings... so much so, that we fear changing them.  I don't believe anyone will actively change their environment without some outside influence.  The only thing influencing my desire for change.. is the dishonesty that I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. I am tired of living a lie.  I don't want to tell falsehoods to the people I do care about.. my daughters.. and actually.. I do care about my spouse also.. you can't spend 18 years with someone without developing an emotional attachment to them.  I don't want to cause anyone grief.. or pain.. that's not in my nature. I think that's part of the reason why I won't ever seek another relationship. ...it's the same reason I really didn't want to have children.. and had to be talked into it....

Thanksgiving day... I finished a cup of noodles just a little after midday... then I cooked myself some bacon and eggs.. now it's over. .. back to work. Some holiday. Maybe Christmas will come and go the same way.. I'm just ready for January.

I am done with obsessing over Facebook games...  I seem to let them frustrate me.. the games themselves are fun... if they would work the way they are intended.. but when I have to keep contacting support to fix glitches.. well.. it's just frustrating.  ...and I don't need any frustration in my life right now.  I am working to try to keep my life somewhat calm... It's unnerving enough to deal with the instability of my job.. the instability of my home... I fixed the instability of my online relationships.. by choosing not to go that route ever again.   now.. I'm fixing the source of my recent frustration.. the online games.. I will do my World of Warcraft.. and watch my online TV shows and movies.. and that's it.. at least until my life seems to work out some of the kinks. Sometimes I think that my mental stability is just inches away from breaking my world apart.. but then I think about what I've already come through.. all the deception and frustration.. all th...

I just received an email stating that all non-essential employees would be excused 3 hours early tomorrow for the holiday.  I'm still not sure if this includes me or not. I really don't care if it does...it isn't like I am doing anything special anyway.  I sometimes dread going home.  I talked with someone recently about the outcome of a divorce situation.  The wife is almost always stuck with the responsibility of daily maintenance in the children's lives.  I got to thinking about this.  I don't want to shirk my responsibilities as a parent... I try to honor the commitments I make.. for the most part anyway... I suppose that's part of why I feel... stuck.  I'm going to be in limbo for just a bit more... but I don't want to severely damage my kids when I move out.  I don't want them to think I am abandoning them... but I can't deal with living in the same house as my spouse for much longer ...I am already feeling the frustration of having to do i...

I find that I spend most of my life waiting... and I'm not even sure what I am expecting most of the time.  We all spend a portion of our lives waiting... even while we are on our journey to our destination. We look forward to finally arriving. Are we there yet?  ...we learn to ask that question at a very young age... Maybe we should enjoy the journey along the way and not get so caught up in the final destination... because no matter how you look at it.. it will all be over at some point in time.  Too many times, we waste our lives fretting over things beyond our control.  We can't allow ourselves to be manipulated by those who just want to play their games. I might not trust myself completely... but I'm the best I've got.  All I can do is be here for myself.  At the end of every day... we look back on our mistakes... if nothing else, we can learn from them. Maybe there will come a day in each person's life where they can be totally honest with themselves....

I love to cook.. that doesn't mean I'm very good at it.. but it's one of those things where I feel like I'm constructing something important.  I mean.. we all eat.. right?  I make an awesome lasagna..  The last time I made it, I didn't make it exactly like I wanted it to come out, but it was still delicious. I put in 12 different kinds of cheeses. I will vary my ingredients a bit each time.. trying to experiment with just the right combination for what I'm in the mood. I think life is a little like that.. we have to experiment with what we have until things just feel right.  My problem in cooking.. and in life is that sometimes I go way overboard.. and when you do too much.. there ends up being stuff that gets thrown out.  I am good eating leftovers. in fact, I could probably live on leftovers alone... again.. I think that's how I am in life.. there are those that are actively involved in making their life run.. and then there are those that just settle for ...

Sometimes I wonder if there is any sort of plan to life in general.  I mean.. I know there are things we are supposed to do.. they're laws.. In a religious sense, everyone has a Bible.. or other book of religious guidelines.. but everything is so vague. I suppose that's why we all have free will.  For the most part, I get irritated when I'm strictly dictated to do something.. and it might even be something I would do if only asked.  ...like wearing seat belts.. I think it's a wonderful idea.. even though I never touched a seat belt until I was in my late 20's.. we just never thought about using them.. but now the government comes along and says.. yes.. we know it's your vehicle... but if you don't strap yourself in, then we're going to fine you. I love doing things for people.. I enjoy being safe.. but I've always disliked being required to stay over at work because someone told me I had to.. but if they ask me.. I'm generally first to volunteer....

It's amazing how even though I'm not at the sites... I still get to hear stuff.. I don't mind people venting.. but only if it's something to do with themselves... I never want to hear stuff about this person.. or that person.. they have nothing to do with me.  I want sometimes to leave the planet for awhile.. there is entirely too much deception on this one.  It's never surprised me to find out that I am right about stuff.. but sometimes I only wish I weren't right so much.  The longer I live.. the more I find out that I should trust my gut... I've given up trusting my heart.. and feel so much better for it. I was off on Monday.. Veteran's Day.. and was going to have a heart-to-heart talk with my spouse.  I slept a bit later than normal.. and by the time I left my room, my spouse had taken off and was gone until just a few minutes until the kids came back from school.. I think she sensed I was about to resolve some issues through talking.. and bailed. ...

I understand that some people feel the need to compromise their beliefs for someone else, but then it gets to a point where those people will lose themselves completely.  It seems as though most often when I think about the time where I really screw things up.. and it's actually my fault.. are times when I'm not being myself... but what someone else wants me to be.  It might cause less stress at the moment, but in the end... it leads to internalization of the truth.. hiding it from someone so that a lie can be lived. A lie might seem to be a  better option at times.. but it's still not real.  Once someone starts down the road of compromise.. it's so easy to lose who you are.  I have done this in the past.. and have found my way back.  Right now, I feel more in tune with myself than I ever have been.  I still have problems with whether an omission of something is still a lie... which in all actuality.. it is. I don't like lying.. I don't like holding th...

I can't be anything but who I am.. and the times I've tried to be something different.. I've learned I just screw things up. I don't feel romantic anymore.. it's just like someone flipped a switch and turned off those feelings. I don't understand how it happened.. or what all led up to the point that it did happen.. but I still stand by my original assumption that.. that part of me is broken. I've learned to accept those issues and I am doing okay for the most part.  I honestly don't see myself in another relationship.. ever.  They are too complex and require too much from me.. more than I can give... at least more than I am ever going to be willing to give. I look upon others in relationships and all I can do is feel sad for them.. because sooner or later, there is going to be a heavy crash... and deep down.. everyone knows it. There are too many inconsistencies and compromises between people because they are afraid of what might happen if they don'...

I sometimes think that maybe I just can't see how rotten I treat people.. and there are other times.. where I see it very well.. and it actually bothers me a bit.  I know I am selfish.. I realize that I hurt others.. most of the time, I don't really want to.. but it's a defensive mechanism in me that I have learned to use in order not to crash and burn anymore... I can't do that ever again.. I've seen way too much in the online world. I suppose we've all learned to develop a train of thought that keeps us sane when we are on the brink of a meltdown. I've been all to close to this point at several times in my life. Right now, I feel that I am more grounded than I've ever been before. I won't follow my heart anymore if it conflicts with my head.  I've been shown that people are fickle in what they want... or what they expect... and I won't get caught up in that.  I have been told that I probably won't be leaving my spouse.. because I don...

It seems as though I get so many ideas to blog about.. when I'm nowhere near a computer or don't have time to blog.  ..and then when I get a chance to settle in and get started.. I can't remember much of what I wanted to say. I figure if that's the case.. then I don't need to blog about it anyway.  I am doing much of what I want.. I am taking myself into consideration.. and not worrying about those in my life that will be adversely affected.  Maybe that's being selfish.. but that's what I have to do.. otherwise I feel a resentment growing.  I already resent my spouse so much. I don't want to have much to do with her.  I feel that she is a main part of the reason I feel so trapped where I am in life. My choices are so limited because of my obligations. I am not even certain why I got married in the first place.  I think it was the fear of being alone.. but being married, I am more alone now than I ever was. As I lay in my bed sometimes in the morning, I w...

We all have the life we are comfortable with.. and then there is the life that will challenge us.. Most people will go their whole lives without finding out what their true limits are. Pushing those limits are a big thrill to some.. but to others it just brings pain and misery.  ..so.. do we step outside our safe "box" and try to "live life to its fullest" .. I suppose that depends on the particular person.  I fantasize about having the strength of character to explore my world without constraints.. but in reality, I never seem to be able to make the push very far.  I am always happy when I do leave the safety of my self-made prison.. but I am hesitant to stay outside of it for very long.. because????    ...maybe I fear the uncertainty of what might happen. ...maybe I am thinking that I will bring to much pain and chaos to those I leave behind.  There are any number of reasons it could be.. but I am dying anyway.. just like we all are.. in 20 years, I will ...