It's My Emotional Suit
I love to cook.. that doesn't mean I'm very good at it.. but it's one of those things where I feel like I'm constructing something important. I mean.. we all eat.. right? I make an awesome lasagna.. The last time I made it, I didn't make it exactly like I wanted it to come out, but it was still delicious. I put in 12 different kinds of cheeses. I will vary my ingredients a bit each time.. trying to experiment with just the right combination for what I'm in the mood. I think life is a little like that.. we have to experiment with what we have until things just feel right. My problem in cooking.. and in life is that sometimes I go way overboard.. and when you do too much.. there ends up being stuff that gets thrown out. I am good eating leftovers. in fact, I could probably live on leftovers alone... again.. I think that's how I am in life.. there are those that are actively involved in making their life run.. and then there are those that just settle for the scraps that are thrown their way. I don't think there is anything wrong with living on the scraps.. but sometimes.. it gets a little old. I would love to have a steak every so often.. and live the juicy part of life to it's fullest... I am hoping that things will change soon... to where I can go out and enjoy my steak. That's not saying that I am going to overindulge in steak.. too much of anything is bad for you. I think we all find that out the hard way. Whether it be eating.. or any other addiction that we let run our life. I have a few activities that borderline on addiction... I sometimes get irritated at myself for letting those activities run my life.. especially when I used to be a planner... I would get involved in taking an active role to prepare for the difficult times. Now.. I just figure they're all going to be a bit difficult and just wait for it to happen.. In case it isn't obvious by now.. I'm extremely pessimistic. One of the perks of overindulging my fantasies that had very little.. if any.. basis in reality. I can't .. and won't let myself be optimistic about much.. I've pretty much lost all faith that fate will smile upon me and things will work themselves out. I've always had a saying for as long as I can remember: "Things will work out the way they are supposed to" ...that doesn't mean that we will be happy with the outcome of certain things.. or even most things in general.. I suppose that's a passive way at looking at things.. but then.. I've become a passive person. I always expect the negative things to happen.. and even when the potential for positive events comes along.. I give no effort to help it out... because I am of the feeling that no matter how good it feels now.. later. there is still the universe's checks and balances that will even the scale up with something bad. So far... since I've started living this attitude.. I'm not hitting the very lows.. just like I'm not letting myself hit the very highs.. even when that possibility exists. ...it actually works.. sure.. I'm human.. and I get a bit sad every once in awhile.. just like I get a bit happy occasionally.. but there is always that part of my brain that says.. "whoa.. slow down.. your perception will end up punching you in the gut again" For the most part.. I believe in me.. what I do for me.. to me.. about me.. I place a little trust in others on occasion.. but I will never let anyone influence my life to make me try to overachieve or strive for something great. I described it one time as me being broken.. still.. that's just one way of looking at it.. I may have felt broken at one time.. but I've ended up putting my life together.. and I'm wearing it comfortably.. no matter how worn.. or torn it might be... It's like that old pair of shoes.. or that old outfit.. that's so comfortable... you keep it around to wear.. even though it might look like shit... but it's familiar.. and you know it's going to fit you .. even before you put it on. That's how my life is now.. it fits me.. and is very comfortable. It's my emotional suit.
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