I Am Trying.

We all have the life we are comfortable with.. and then there is the life that will challenge us.. Most people will go their whole lives without finding out what their true limits are. Pushing those limits are a big thrill to some.. but to others it just brings pain and misery.  ..so.. do we step outside our safe "box" and try to "live life to its fullest" .. I suppose that depends on the particular person.  I fantasize about having the strength of character to explore my world without constraints.. but in reality, I never seem to be able to make the push very far.  I am always happy when I do leave the safety of my self-made prison.. but I am hesitant to stay outside of it for very long.. because????    ...maybe I fear the uncertainty of what might happen. ...maybe I am thinking that I will bring to much pain and chaos to those I leave behind.  There are any number of reasons it could be.. but I am dying anyway.. just like we all are.. in 20 years, I will look back with so many regrets.. I have more and more regrets as the years pass on and on.  I was talking to my dad yesterday... we talked about some of the houses that he could have bought.. some of the jobs he could have taken.. that would have put his life in a much different aspect now.. I know of several things I could have done differently.. and be in a much better shape.. the problem is.. I didn't know that at the time.. and it was my fear of taking a chance that caused me to miss out.  We only have so long in this world.. then what?   some believe we pass on to a  higher level of existence.. leaving our physical bodies behind.  So.. physical pleasure would be something we would have to live without.  I can imagine that...  Some believe that we are reincarnated into some other living thing.. but that we won't remember our past lives.. not more than glimpses, anyway.

I had a dream just a short bit ago.. and in that dream, I was able to go back in time and trade my life.. for a baby that had died a few hours after being born... I was just about to do this.. when I woke up.  I really don't remember all the details of the dream.. but it has got me to thinking.. am I that selfless?  I don't think I am.. Maybe I am just fed up with my life and inability to have any control over it.  When we are younger, we go out.. and do things.. not thinking of the consequences.. that doesn't mean we have any more control then than we do now.. we're just not aware enough to weigh the consequences.  We act before we think... Now.. as we have grown older.. we realize there are a lot of things that have negative repercussions. ...We become more afraid to act on things we would like to do.. and our sense of fear becomes stronger than our sense of living as we might want... so much so that we restrict ourselves into a caged existence.   Life seems to have unlimited potential... and there are those that live it.. I have tried to push myself into being more of what I imagine.. and less of what I am tired of being.. I am occasionally allowing myself to become a little less grounded and each time I may get shot down.. but that's part of life.. Based on my past experiences, it's best not to trust anyone but myself when I'm doing this.. to take my life..into my own hands.. and live it the way I feel.   It doesn't have anything to do with anyone else.. and perhaps, I will be able to push myself into an existence that I am more comfortable with.. instead of just adjusting to what I've got now.. if I kept thinking in those terms, I'd never be leaving my spouse.. I wouldn't be seeking to either move up in my job.. nor a new job..

I am still tainted by my past. I have learned that I will never be able to trust anyone completely... and I am okay with that. I am trying to trust more and more in myself. My problem like everyone else.. is that sometimes it's too easy to fool yourself into believing what you want to believe.. then you start basing your perceptions on this lie. I don't want to live in a life where I learn that nothing is real.  I am working on myself day by day.. and at some point, I hope to be in a place where I can look forward to waking up each day.. and not even think about my past.. right now.. that seems so far away.. but I am trying.