I'll Never Forget.

I should be studying.. prepping my resume.. or doing something constructive.  ...I have a bit a problem with getting motivated.. just as I usually do.  I think sometimes we are conditioned to adjust to our surroundings... so much so, that we fear changing them.  I don't believe anyone will actively change their environment without some outside influence.  The only thing influencing my desire for change.. is the dishonesty that I have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. I am tired of living a lie.  I don't want to tell falsehoods to the people I do care about.. my daughters.. and actually.. I do care about my spouse also.. you can't spend 18 years with someone without developing an emotional attachment to them.  I don't want to cause anyone grief.. or pain.. that's not in my nature. I think that's part of the reason why I won't ever seek another relationship. ...it's the same reason I really didn't want to have children.. and had to be talked into it..  the same reason I don't want a pet.. I don't want emotional commitment.  There are a few times in my life.. where had conditions been somewhat different.. I may have been able to overcome that fear of emotional commitment.. but that ship has sailed.  I have been firmly conditioned to know that no matter what someone says.. they can't know what they will feel like later.. nor can they predict the outcome of any time of bonding commitment.  ...it all leads to heartache... frustration..  I've had enough frustration in my life to last me two more lifetimes.  I don't know how to avoid the frustration.. but I have learned to deal with issues as they arise.  I am settling into a strong mindset to keep my resolve when dealing with emotional issues. I am past holding grudges.. I am past trying to get even.. I don't really even want to forget the past anymore.. I just want to learn from my mistakes.. and move on.  I don't try to dwell on the hardships that I have had to overcome... but they are still there in my mind.. and they always will be.  I'm sort of like that elephant.. I'll never forget.

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