Just Be Ready For The Thorns

It seems as though I get so many ideas to blog about.. when I'm nowhere near a computer or don't have time to blog.  ..and then when I get a chance to settle in and get started.. I can't remember much of what I wanted to say. I figure if that's the case.. then I don't need to blog about it anyway.  I am doing much of what I want.. I am taking myself into consideration.. and not worrying about those in my life that will be adversely affected.  Maybe that's being selfish.. but that's what I have to do.. otherwise I feel a resentment growing.  I already resent my spouse so much. I don't want to have much to do with her.  I feel that she is a main part of the reason I feel so trapped where I am in life. My choices are so limited because of my obligations. I am not even certain why I got married in the first place.  I think it was the fear of being alone.. but being married, I am more alone now than I ever was. As I lay in my bed sometimes in the morning, I wonder what it would be like to wake up in a normal married environment... but then I remember who I am married to.. and I will never allow that to  happen.  She tries in her own way to be a good mother.. and she is actually a decent mother who loves her kids very much. The only problem is.. I really wasn't cut out to be a father.. I never got a chance to live my life on my own.. I've always had to answer to my dad.. then to my spouse.. The whole thing has made me wish I had waited to have children.. not that I don't love my daughters very much.. but if I had not rushed into a relationship based on my hormones, I would probably had a much more productive marriage.. at least working together and trying to communicate.  If there is one thing I have learned, if you can't openly communicate with someone, you can't have a relationship with them.  I have gotten to the point that I really don't want a relationship with anyone deeper than friendship.. and I  am much happier this way... there is too much emphasis put on trying to live the romantic fantasy. Maybe it doesn't exist.  I haven't had the desire for a bit now.. and I don't see it coming back.  I think maybe my outlook was destroyed based on my past experiences.. but I really can't blame anyone but myself for the failures in my past. I placed my trust in things that didn't exist based on what I was told.. not what my head told me.  If a person follows their heart and ignores rational thought.. it can end in nothing but pain and misery.. and unfortunately, this pain seems to never go away.. it is as painful now as it was then.. I am just adjusting to the pain.. the same as I adjust to everything else in my life. I never forget my past.. but I am hopefully learning from it.  I have a few scars on my person that I will have forever.. both physically and emotionally.  I have learned to live with them.. and will continue to do so.  As dark as this may sound, I actually see more clearly now than I ever have.  I make myself do the things I don't sometimes want to do.. but know I must do, anyway.  No one says that live is full of roses.. there are several roses present.. but just be ready for the thorns.