If Nothing More.

I can't be anything but who I am.. and the times I've tried to be something different.. I've learned I just screw things up. I don't feel romantic anymore.. it's just like someone flipped a switch and turned off those feelings. I don't understand how it happened.. or what all led up to the point that it did happen.. but I still stand by my original assumption that.. that part of me is broken. I've learned to accept those issues and I am doing okay for the most part.  I honestly don't see myself in another relationship.. ever.  They are too complex and require too much from me.. more than I can give... at least more than I am ever going to be willing to give. I look upon others in relationships and all I can do is feel sad for them.. because sooner or later, there is going to be a heavy crash... and deep down.. everyone knows it. There are too many inconsistencies and compromises between people because they are afraid of what might happen if they don't bend.. or change themselves.  I saw it at the sites all the time.. at one time I might have been somewhat caught up in the same thing myself.  I posted so I could show everyone that I had found something.. even to the point it was impossible to give the sites up... I needed the affirmation in order to prove that I did have something.. but in the end.. it wasn't as much as I thought it was. ... and evidently it was little more than having a "site partner" ...the relationship couldn't last offline.. not without the constant posting of how good I had it.  If it had been so good, I should not have needed to say things that could have more easily been said in private conversation without feeding the ideology of the superficial people on the sites.  Looking back, I realize how difficult it was to keep a relationship offline... so much so, that it really couldn't sustain itself without an audience. That unfortunately is what so many people are caught up in.. and I can really do very little except pity them. I am not saying that I'm in much better shape, but I have learned to live with life the way it really is.. and not just what I'd like it to be. I would never get married to someone because I will never commit myself to anyone that deeply again.  I have done things that I should not have done.. for reasons that still aren't all that clear to me.. I am certain I once had hope.. for relationships.. but my whole thought pattern now streams along the line of being happy with what I have... and striving for real things.. that are obtainable.  I have learned to live with my feelings.. and even though it might sound like I am bitter.. there is only just a bit of disappointment.... other than that.. I am a cold, callous person inside... and I'm enjoying being that person.  I have times when I still want to push everyone away.. and just live in my solitude.. I have to make peace with who I am.. and what I can do.. Until then.. I am always okay..if nothing more.