Just Being Safe.
Have you ever wondered how things came to be the way the way they are.. and you just can't figure out what you've done to cause it. I suppose there are a lot of things in my life I just can't see.. just because I am too involved in it. There are many things that I plan to do.. or intend on addressing.. but it just never happens. Maybe I am lazier than I realize... maybe things are just not as important to me as I thought they might be... the fact remains that I can't blame anyone but myself for the issues in my life. My actions.. or lack of actions.. have put me in the place I am now... which really isn't all that bad of a position... it just makes me think of how much better things would be.. if I had truly paid attention to what was going on in my life.. and not wasted so much time chasing fantasies. Well.. I am more of a realist now than I ever have been.. and there will be no more chasing dreams.. I have intentions that are based on realistic goals... and I can see them truly happening.. I am never going to venture outside of my realm of possible events... and even things that seem somewhat unrealistic.. will go by without my expending needless energy trying to make them happen. For the first time in my life, I am okay with where things are... for the most part, anyway. Sure.. there are things that irritate me.. as with everyone. The day that doesn't happen.. is the day I figure I have given up caring about anything and anyone. I cannot foresee that happening.
I do have intentions of making a few changes.. but my only fear is that I will lack the initiative to do anything. I would love to lose a little weight. I need to focus on my career. I need to find my spouse a job. ...and even though the last one isn't really my issue, it becomes my issue when dealing with the welfare of my daughters. I don't want them having to be supported by the government.. just because my spouse isn't able to run a household by herself. Part of me hopes she finds someone that is a perfect match for her.. if that even exists... unlike me.. she needs someone to depend on... and I don't want to be stuck in that role anymore. I try to focus on the positive things.. but when it comes to my family life.. there are very few things I consider positive. I enjoy spending time with my daughters.. but my oldest has pulled away from me.. with good understanding.. she knows that my time here is limited. She will figure out why I'm staying here.. and she might grow to resent the fact that I place too much blame on them.. even though I don't actually blame them.. it might look sort of like I do. I can't help it.. Robin Williams once said.. "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone." ...I think I have definitely fit this description. No matter how we think of things.. we really don't know what's going on with others... I don't really trust a whole lot of what is said to me. I am skeptical of people's intentions... Someone can contact me about one thing.. or another.. and it's very difficult to take things at face value. I have spent so much time trying to avoid gossip or rumors about other people.. even though I still seem to hear them. It's part of the reason why my social circle is so small. Right now.. to get close to me.. is almost impossible.. not because I have anything to hide... but because I choose not to allow people close enough to manipulate me. I have been used enough for one purpose or another. ...so if I appear cynical.. it's because I am. ...it's not a bad thing.. just being safe.
I do have intentions of making a few changes.. but my only fear is that I will lack the initiative to do anything. I would love to lose a little weight. I need to focus on my career. I need to find my spouse a job. ...and even though the last one isn't really my issue, it becomes my issue when dealing with the welfare of my daughters. I don't want them having to be supported by the government.. just because my spouse isn't able to run a household by herself. Part of me hopes she finds someone that is a perfect match for her.. if that even exists... unlike me.. she needs someone to depend on... and I don't want to be stuck in that role anymore. I try to focus on the positive things.. but when it comes to my family life.. there are very few things I consider positive. I enjoy spending time with my daughters.. but my oldest has pulled away from me.. with good understanding.. she knows that my time here is limited. She will figure out why I'm staying here.. and she might grow to resent the fact that I place too much blame on them.. even though I don't actually blame them.. it might look sort of like I do. I can't help it.. Robin Williams once said.. "I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone." ...I think I have definitely fit this description. No matter how we think of things.. we really don't know what's going on with others... I don't really trust a whole lot of what is said to me. I am skeptical of people's intentions... Someone can contact me about one thing.. or another.. and it's very difficult to take things at face value. I have spent so much time trying to avoid gossip or rumors about other people.. even though I still seem to hear them. It's part of the reason why my social circle is so small. Right now.. to get close to me.. is almost impossible.. not because I have anything to hide... but because I choose not to allow people close enough to manipulate me. I have been used enough for one purpose or another. ...so if I appear cynical.. it's because I am. ...it's not a bad thing.. just being safe.
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