It Could Always Be Worse.

I sometimes think that maybe I just can't see how rotten I treat people.. and there are other times.. where I see it very well.. and it actually bothers me a bit.  I know I am selfish.. I realize that I hurt others.. most of the time, I don't really want to.. but it's a defensive mechanism in me that I have learned to use in order not to crash and burn anymore... I can't do that ever again.. I've seen way too much in the online world. I suppose we've all learned to develop a train of thought that keeps us sane when we are on the brink of a meltdown. I've been all to close to this point at several times in my life. Right now, I feel that I am more grounded than I've ever been before. I won't follow my heart anymore if it conflicts with my head.  I've been shown that people are fickle in what they want... or what they expect... and I won't get caught up in that.  I have been told that I probably won't be leaving my spouse.. because I don't have a reason to.. in one sense.. that is correct.. I don't have someone that I'm leaving her for.. but in another.. I am leaving her.. for myself.. and if I can't do that.. I've lost the ability to control my own actions based on what I want. The longer I stay here.. the less tolerant I become of her and what she does.. or doesn't do.. My resentment at having to be here... grows and grows... I'm almost certain that one day I will break.. and take it out on her.. not physically of course.. but all the pain and disappointment that I feel.. will come out.. and it will be directed at her.  I won't even be upset about it.. I will just be cold and callous. I don't want it to reach that point.. but I feel myself getting closer.. maybe not quickly.. but slowly approaching that point.  I really don't want to hurt her, but I need to live my own life.. and not one that I've felt trapped in for the past 14 years.  The sad thing is.. I sometimes resent my daughters... and then I hate myself for feeling that way. I wouldn't take anything for them.. but it just seems that I don't really feel worthy of being their father. It does bother me.. probably more than anything else.  They do their own thing and I am here doing my own thing... supporting them. It's like my life really doesn't have any other purpose.. I can't my my spouse see that she really irritates me.. just by being around me... and I can't feel any other way... I've tried. She is going to take them to her family's Christmas this year.. and I'm not going.. I don't even know if I will go to my family's Christmas.. My dad is going with my sisters to Florida for Thanksgiving.. and I won't be doing anything for Thanksgiving this year either.  I really don't feel very thankful for my situation. I suppose I should look on the bright side.. I mean, none of us are suffering physically.. and even though it seems as though things could be a lot better, it could always be worse.