Being Fake.

Tick... tock.. tick.. tock...  Have you ever looked at a clock.. and just watched the seconds ticking away.. If you think about it... that's time you can't ever have back.  I think that most of us are alloted so much time in this world.  It's a shame we spend so much of it in meaningless activities.. almost "wasting" our lives.  Sometimes I think about all the things I'd like to do.. and then I end up doing some wishful thinking.. eventually leading to daydreaming.. then comes the remorse at being in a position where I may never end up doing whatever it is I was thinking about in the first place.  We shouldn't spend our lives regretting what decisions we have made.. but sometimes it is somewhat difficult not to think about how things could be different.  I make all my decisions now with only one restriction placed on me.. my daughters... and I am not resenting them as much as I thought I would... but I there is still just a bit of resentment there.  I can't be who I want to be.. only because I am who I am.  I'm a father.  I'm a husband.. but only because I have to be.  I'm a son who gets chastised by his dad about how I don't have enough sense to take care of myself.. not directly of course.. my dad is too passive aggressive for that.. and I hate it when that passive aggressiveness comes out in me.. that's why I'm trying to be more direct.  That is why I don't want people in my life that can't communicate openly with me... It's sad that people can't be more themselves... and not who they think I want them to be.  I've had to deal with that from my spouse for so long.. I think she has always been afraid to talk to me about a lot of stuff.  I've really never known her that well.. because she was always reluctant to approach me  about what she was really feeling.  After 18 years.. I've had enough of that... sure.. I might get upset.. maybe that's what is wrong with my marriage.. I've never really been upset.  I've never had the passion there to even concern myself.. or care about anything.  It's been a boring existence.. and it will be that way until the end comes.. which can't come soon enough for me.  I won't say that things will always go smoothly when I have a disagreement with someone.. but the problem is that I usually won't ever know that.  ...and when I finally find out how someone feels.. it's too late to really deal with things.. because I know they have harbored that feeling inside for so long.. and they will do the same.. again and again.. so I choose to believe that person cannot be open and honest with me...not because of any lies they've told me.. but by their ability to internalize what they really want to say.  ...in a sense.. I put up  with it.. but it makes me less trustful of a person the more I realize it happens.. because then.. I figure there is a lot more they are keeping from me... and it builds.. and builds.. finally I figure that the only way they can communicate with me is on a superficial level.. which makes our relationship superficial.. it's happened a few times.. with my spouse.. then with my involvements.  I suppose I didn't want to believe that was the case.. because it seemed they were being direct with me.  ...and yes.. when they finally were direct.. the result was less than ideal. But that's letting the chips fall where they may.. and I'm all about that.. I'd rather someone be open with me.. and hurt my feelings.. maybe even arguing a bit... if not all out fighting.. than my interaction with someone they think I want them to be.  It's sad that most people cannot be themselves.  I think maybe most people don't have a clue on who they actually are..  but end up being what most people want them to be.. at least by their appearances.  I know many people have told me that they are real.. then they prove they aren't.. just by showing how agreeable they can be. ...I'm not looking for arguments.. but if a person has to change who they are.. just for someone else's sake... they aren't as "real" as they think they might be. ...but who knows.. maybe there's something to be said for being fake.