I Won't Be Changing.

It's amazing how even though I'm not at the sites... I still get to hear stuff.. I don't mind people venting.. but only if it's something to do with themselves... I never want to hear stuff about this person.. or that person.. they have nothing to do with me.  I want sometimes to leave the planet for awhile.. there is entirely too much deception on this one.  It's never surprised me to find out that I am right about stuff.. but sometimes I only wish I weren't right so much.  The longer I live.. the more I find out that I should trust my gut... I've given up trusting my heart.. and feel so much better for it.

I was off on Monday.. Veteran's Day.. and was going to have a heart-to-heart talk with my spouse.  I slept a bit later than normal.. and by the time I left my room, my spouse had taken off and was gone until just a few minutes until the kids came back from school.. I think she sensed I was about to resolve some issues through talking.. and bailed. So.. it will happen.. our talk.. just delayed a bit. It still doesn't change my determination to leave after the first of the year.  I will have my taxes filed first.. so that I will be able to be in a slightly better financial shape.

I am good... for the most part.. I feel much better now that I am not relying on anyone for my happiness except myself.. No expectations.. no disappointments.  I don't mind being my own emotional support... I have a good friend I still talk to on a regular basis.. but I will be okay when she moves on with her life.. I am here for her when she needs to talk because she has always unconditionally supported me.. and I haven't exactly been the best of friends to her.. even though I've always tried my best to be. ...when it comes down to it.. I really don't think I've been that good of a friend to anyone.. but again.. I've done what I'm able to do.. and been the best person I could be at the time. I've hurt a friend unintentionally and to that I have said I am sorry.. but that's all I can do.. and be... is sorry.. and not let it happen again.  I make more than my share of mistakes over the last few years.. and perhaps it's best that I am where I am now.. I mean.. it could always be worse.  I even tried to change my attitude a few times.. and now I'm to the point where I am to comfortable with my thoughts the way they are.. that I won't change my viewpoint on life.. I have been molded by my experiences to be this way.. and where I'd like to blame other people... it's really no one's fault but my own that I am who I am.  The thing is.. I like who I am.. I won't be changing.

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