Can't I Just Be... Me?

Ugghh... Monday morning... it was not really a spectacular weekend, but it was a nice break. Now I have to get back to work. I need to get all kinds of stuff accomplished in the next 10 days. Then I'm off for 2 weeks. I had planned on going back to Kentucky, but that doesn't seem to be able to work out now. I feel like Christmas this year is sneaking up on me and even though I've had plenty of time, I haven't been out to do much. I'm even more concerned that I won't have much free time from now until the holiday to plan or prepare if I, by some miracle, actually end up going on my trip. I can sense it's starting to affect my disposition just a little bit... I'm going to try to take my own advice... I'll do what I can... make the changes I can... and try not to worry about the rest of it. I'm pretty sure it's not going to be that simple, but at least I'll make the effort. I know that attitude is quite a bit different than it was a few years ago... I was in a pretty low place then. I lost my mom... my grandmother... my sisters were going through some relationship issues so I couldn't turn to them... My spouse and I were all but done. She didn't open up to me... so I didn't open up to her. ...that was a mistake on my part. I let someone else choose my actions by their actions. I've learned so much since then. It also didn't help to go through relationship woes even though evidently the extra-marital relationships were much more superficial than I knew at the time... at least to them. My problem is that I'm a bit self-centered in relationships.... I've learned to watch out for just me... I am okay with that. I don't see me having any long-term, lasting relationships with any significant depth. I don't really want one of those. I've learned to be somewhat self-sufficient on my own... actually pretty happy that way. That's not to say it won't happen, just that I really am not looking for it as I once was. I am a firm believer that people have to go out and make stuff happen, but that's only if you know what you want to happen. Most people don't have a clue what they really want. Short flings are just a bandaid to patch up where a person has been cut my a relationship. I'm not sure that's up my alley either. I am thankful for the few people who have chosen to be in my life... I am all about quality, not quantity when it comes to friends. I'm actually not all that good of a friend either. I don't keep in contact with people even though some have made an attempt to get in touch with me on occasion. Maybe my emotional state isn't as well as I think it is. I'm pretty sure I could keep a therapist busy for a long time, but I am a bit too stubborn to do that. I'm the guy most of my friends rely on for emotional support.. and I always try to be here for them when they need me. I think part of that is me trying to keep up my self-worth. ...or maybe it's just because I enjoy the feeling I get when I know I've helped someone. There's a gambit of thoughts in my head right now. I don't know if I'm selfless or self-centered. Does it really matter? Can't I just be... me?