This Is Who I Am

I told someone just a few minutes ago, that I celebrate my "differentness." I actually am quite proud of the fact that I don't become someone that people expect me to be... just for their benefit. I'm pretty sure there are those that think I'm trying to be obnoxious... or maybe just irritating, but in reality I just refuse to surrender control of who I am. That person is someone I've taken a long time to become... and it's someone I can be proud of. I will reiterate that I do make my share of mistakes... and I'm not perfect. But I'm perfect for me. I don't feel as though I need to explain my thoughts or actions, but I'm okay with doing so if someone asks. I like the interaction in my life... what little of it there is presently. If being more social means that I have to become someone else... I choose to remain anti-social. I've had many people who have entered and left my life at various times... I suppose you can say I entered and left theirs as well. I don't actually leave anyone as much as I'm pushed away. I know I could make a better effort to keep in touch with certain people. My uncle and I were very close while I was growing up... and even until I got married... He's only 5 years older than me.. my dad's youngest brother. I heard from him while I was out on fire detail ... and I told him we would get together soon. But he's in Nashville... and I'm here. I went on vacation with him and his wife over 25 years ago... to Florida... and I was best man at his wedding. He was much more than a friend. He was someone I could count on for anything. I think he still is, but as we aren't in touch very much, it's difficult to tell. I know there are people in my life that say I can reach out if I need anything, but there are two problems with that... First, I really have a problem with relying on anyone but myself. Secondly, Most people who say that aren't in a position to help me if I needed it. I know they mean well, but the reality of the situation is that I've forced myself to become independent.. maybe almost too much. I like the idea of spending time with someone, but I am pretty sure that I have gotten so used to being alone, that I'm getting comfortable with it. I have my site interactions... and there are a few people offline that are a part of my life, but I don't attach myself emotionally to anyone. Some might see a problem with that. It's not because I don't care about people... I just realize that most people aren't permanent. That doesn't mean I avoid anyone... in fact, I like hanging out with people who choose to be around me. I appreciate the company of anyone who chooses to talk. I know with the way things are in this virus-infested time, normal social interaction is almost all but defunct. If it doesn't change, I will actually be okay... I once thought I had to have someone in my life to function. I've realized that's not really the case. I can function very well on my own. I will continue to enjoy my friendships and relationships as they come about... and maybe I'm a bit dysfunctional in my viewpoint.. but aren't we all sorta messed up a little bit? I will be this person that I enjoy being... and life will continue on for me... It's not like I need to change unless I want to. This is who I am.