Under my Hat

I know it's been awhile since my last post, but it seems like life has hit full swing... lots of things have been taking up my time, but mostly work. I'm trying to keep up with what's in my life... but it does seem overwhelming at times. I am doing well though. I seem to be staying ahead of things. Right now I'm back in Kentucky for the holidays and for my daughters' birthdays. Even though I am dealing with dad's being.... well... Dad.. I'm okay.  Sometimes "okay" is good enough. I am happy that I'm getting to see my daughters. I am glad of the family and friends who support me. I've discovered that I have several friends in my life that support me... and I'm thankful for each and every one of them. I hope they all understand that I give my friendship to those who have earned it.  ...in my life there have been many that have abused or misused my trust and have removed themselves from my life. That's the way things seem to go at tim...

I think I've reached a point where I am not going to worry about relationships anymore... they're way more trouble than they're worth... I just got out of a 5 month relationship where I feel I was more used than anything else.... it stung for a bit... but then I let  it go... like I try to do with everything else.  I sometimes think about it... and I really knew better than to try to start something with my attitude the way it is... but I maintained a positive attitude throughout... I just learned that most women expect you to read your mind.. and they have a difficult time speaking what's on their mind. It's been that way with most people I've ever dealt with... but.. I live... and maybe learn... I'm still not going to let this taint me... if something happens... it'll find me... I'm not looking anymore. That's not a negative attitude... it's a neutral attitude.. and I think  that suits me much better. On the positive side, I've been ...

Life sucks and then you die.. the end. 

I've been thinking a lot recently about oral sex.  It's sorta odd, as I don't get much practice either giving... or receiving.. but I think it was something I was a bit obsessed with over the years, as I wasn't given the opportunity to engage in it when I was married. Now that I'm single, my sex life is almost as bad as it was when I was married... I mean... well.. I actually had sex with other people when I was married... that may not have been the most moral thing... but it happened... and I deal with the fact that it did... I never plan on going back to being that person again... I believe in being straightforward with people... at least when they give me the opportunity to communicate... but a lot of people have sorta walked out of my life... which is entirely okay... Everyone goes away at some point... I've grown accustomed to that.  I was talking with a friend today about the serenity prayer... I've always said it's a  difficult thing to do, but i...

So... I'm up... the morning calls from Dad have been put back into place on my days off... I usually get one about 7 am or so.  It's not all that bad as I'm usually up between 0430 and 0500 on the days I work.  I just have to account for the fact that I'm not going to get to sleep late anymore and plan accordingly. The person I'm "seeing" is in Ohio with her mom, brother and 2 of her 3 kids.. I call them all kids even though the oldest one is 28. I get to thinking about the age of my kids and they're cruising right along. Later this year they'll be 22 and 17. I sorta think about my age from time to time... I know there's so many things I wanted to accomplish by now, but it looks like I'm gonna have to start counting out a few of them.  I went to a restaurant yesterday and was asked if I got the senior discount.... at 55. I said "Nooooo… not quite there yet, I'm only 53."  I think somewhere along the way, I started worrying t...

I've pulled away from a lot of the online drama that I had been exposed to at one time.... even if I don't actively participate, it still would affect me and sometimes involve me.  I keep saying that I don't care what other people think.. but there are some people I do concern myself with. I have given them a voice in my life and value their opinions. Of course there are those also that I have taken that voice away because I've come to understand that they will only bring negativity into my life. I actually find that I welcome interaction from anyone who chooses to be a positive part of my life. Unfortunately, no one knows how others are going to influence another person's life until it just starts happening.  I am not seeking anything "earthshattering" in my life... as I like to let things unfold slowly. I'm not talking about specifics... but in general all the influences I have and that I give merit to are things or people who have been in my life f...

I think it's finally over... Dad is leaving tomorrow.. and just in time.  I don't know how much sanity I have left.  I've already reached my breaking point and have been walking around in a mind-numbed state for the past week or so.  He and I had a discussion about how long he had been here... I insisted he was here 4 weeks tomorrow.. he said it had only been 2 weeks... I reminded him he got her a week before the 4th of July holiday... he finally admitted he might have been wrong... but that explains why he's been here so long.. he lost 2 weeks somewhere... well... I lived them.. every slow excruciating moment... I only hope the good things in my life last nearly as long. Maybe I can get by at work by saying the reason I missed a week is because I thought I was still in Vegas.. that'll be another week and a half off.. but still..    I had hoped to rack in some money by prostituting myself (it's legal out there) ...but then I realized that $5 wouldn't help m...

I was having a discussion with someone earlier... and I realized that I think I'm as close to a peaceful state of mind as I've ever been.  I have come to several realizations over the years... People only have the power in your life that you give them. You cannot control their actions.. but you can control your reactions. I think that maybe there are a few people in my life that I gave too much power.. and I soon came to regret it. That's why I'm always careful about that now. I try to live my life with putting my past away... not to say that I don't think about it occasionally, but I refuse to let it influence my actions or decisions. That's why I can say I'm at a good place. Too many times we hang on to hate or anger... and it really doesn't hurt anyone but ourselves. I appreciate all the people that have been a part of my life... because each and every one of them have brought something to my life... even the negative experiences have been life lesso...

Dad needs to go home... he's been here over 3 weeks now... My bedroom has access to the bathroom.. which also has access from the hallway.. so in the middle of the night.. I hear my door close.. Dad proceeds to take a dump that would end up permeating most of the house... but the worst part is.. after he's finished desecrating the bathroom, he opens my door back.. and closes the hallway door, so I end up getting trapped and almost choking on the stench. Even worse.. it's the 3rd time he's done it since he's been here.. I understand bodily functions and all.. but have some respect for the owner of the house... keep my door closed!! According to him... he's leaving 2 weeks ago... that changed to last week... then … this weekend... we're currently working on "Tuesday" ...but that may be Tuesday in 2020.. not sure yet. He constantly calls my sisters.. but they never answer... He is on the phone about 85 percent of the time he's up... not talking.....

So.. it looks like my Vegas trip is a solid plan now... gonna be gone for a whole week.. well.. Monday and Friday are travel days.  I'm kinda guessing the center is going to be calling a lot for me to fix stuff in the evenings... but it's okay.. There's also talk of my first two fire duties... they're talking about maybe deploying to the Buckstock Mountains fire.. but there's a one in Uinta Forest.. so it should be one of those...  then the second one will be Plumas or Siskiyou.. Since I will be occupied until mid-August, we will have to re-evaluate things when I come back. I'll have to call dispatch and let them know my dates of availability. Who knows exactly what's going on... but that's what's on plan for the next two deployments for the center... things change at a moment's notice as fires change too. There's also talk about my getting sent to Golden CO for GIS training at the national office. Everything is very fluid and nothing is sol...

I'm finding this to be a better outlet than I thought... I guess I've sorta missed blogging.  It's not like there are many avenues for me to get my thoughts out there other than the couple of sites I have been back on.. and even then, I have to censor myself so I don't inadvertently start drama. But I can appreciate the opportunity to speak my mind about things... if people don't like it... they can deal with it in whatever way they choose.. I try to work most things out by myself, but occasionally I share with a friend or two some of the things that weigh heavily on me. I'm actually not sure I trust anyone to not share that though... as it's difficult to keep things private sometimes.  I really don't have all that many secrets... and to be perfectly honest.. I don't care what secrets of mine get out as long as someone doesn't get hurt.. but that rarely seems to be the case. I suppose I should try to keep myself in my positive frame of mind.  It...

It looks like I'm Vegas bound again... heading there on August 5th and coming back on the 9th.. it's for work.. I am attending the CompTIA partner summit and that's the main focus of my job.... even with all the other duties I've been performing. I am hoping it all goes well.. and it's not like I have much else to do around here.. my roommate says she'll miss me, but I think things will be patched up again with her guy by then and she'll find a way to keep busy.... at least I hope so. I sent my ex some money for another vehicle... she drove into a flooded area because she couldn't see and totaled her vehicle. My daughter needs to be chauffeured for the moment.. as soon as I get my vehicle paid off.. I'm going to give it to her and get another one... should be another year or so.. I hold nothing against my ex... it just didn't work out... evidently she doesn't hold anything against me either... or so it seems. I really hope she finds someon...

I think I might have figured out what all the hubbub is about.. I think I said I was lied to.. but in that sense, I think that this person was lying to herself as well... I've been guilty of that as well.. as I've said in a few of my posts... I have been guilty of lying when I let myself believe something that maybe I hadn't discovered at that point.. I am pretty sure we all have... it doesn't make it hurt any less when the lie is unintentional.. but it makes it much easier to forgive and get over it. That's what I've tried to do.. I'll be the first to admit I've made more than my share of mistakes... and I've discovered much more about myself in the past 10 years or so than I ever realized I'd know. I've done a few things I'm not proud of... I've said things in the wake of a tide of emotions that I should never had said.  If someone can make me that upset... then a person has managed to touch the deepest parts of my heart.. and with...

So... I've just been hit with something out of the blue.. and I can't vent on the site because that would be antagonistic.. and I really don't wanna be that guy.. but I need to let out some steam... For some reason it's been thought that I said some nasty things about someone.. and I am not exactly certain where that's coming from. I may have been upset... and said some things that we're actually appropriate at the time, but that's been years ago.. anything I've said to other people I've pretty much said here in my blog.. actually I may have said much more in my blog, as I don't think I am not able to vent as well to other people as I can here. I am slightly irritated that someone may have been making things up about me, but at the same time, I shouldn't let it bother me what other people think. I suppose the past is really never in the past for some people. I am still trying to wrack my brain about anything I might have said that is untru...

Not really sure what's going on lately... I haven't felt the need to share... or contemplate.. so I haven't been posting.. or blogging. It's sorta like it really doesn't matter anymore... not in the "woe is me" sort of way... but in the sense that I'm just concentrating more on my job... 65 hours a week currently... and just trying to stabilize myself financially.  I know the overtime will go away at some point, so I'm taking advantage of it while I still can.  I've removed all my online profiles on any dating sites I could think of... It really just doesn't matter.  I figure if something is meant to be... It'll happen.  I'm not running... but I'm not searching either. I am working on my physical health.. my mental health.. and my emotional health... it all seems to be going rather well. I'm going to my endocrinologist this morning, hence why I'm not already at work. I went to Boise, Idaho for a week.. Interagency Fire...

Looooong frickin' day... I was at work before 7 am.. got home around 10 pm... just so much to do and not really enough time to do it all. I am finding my job to be a bit challenging at the moment, but I still like doing it. I'm hoping the overtime stays steady... even if it isn't really enough. I have 4 positions I'm covering.. and they expect it to be covered in an average of 10 extra hours a week.  If that could be done, they wouldn't need 4 people to do it... actually I guess they're not having 4 people do it.. they got me... Still, there's a lot of stuff that doesn't get done. I'm certain after the audit team comes in next week and asks why certain things haven't happened.. that there might be a few changes.. but we'll have to wait and see what changes will occur. Dad is still here... driving me to drink.. well.. not really, but the thought did cross my mind on more than one occasion. I'm hoping this visit isn't going to contin...

Back to the endocrinologist tomorrow.. I think I'm doing much better as far as my blood sugar is concerned.. I feel like maybe I should invest a bit more effort in my health.. at least my physical health... I think my emotional health is good as long as I am careful with who I keep company with.. and I'm doing great with that too.. I know the doc is going to find something to get on me about... but I take it all with a grain of salt and do what I need to do. There's still a lot going on at work... and this week will be my overtime week.. I feel about as strong mentally as I have in a long time. I like who I am … and where I have ended up... and best part is my journey isn't nearly over... ...except now my eye is twitching.. must be in a weakened state for some reason... so I guess I'll finish this soon... until then it'll have to remain unfinished. 

Dad's back!  ...and as always I have seriously mixed feelings about that. On the other hand.. I usually just put my life on hold until he goes away. I look at it this way. He put up with a lot of crap from me when I was little and didn't know better... I suppose it's nature's way of evening the scales. Although I feel like after over 52 years of living under dad's thumb it should be evident now that I can actually take care of myself.  I'm trying to make my life seem as uneventful as possible while he is here.. so when he goes back... he doesn't try calling me dozens of times a day wondering where I am and what I'm doing.. he does enough already.  I know that many would just say... have it out with him and live your life.  My sisters both do that... and he takes it upon himself to be more intrusive in their lives than with me. Arguments and verbal fights have no effect. The only way to change things would be to have him physically restrained at some fac...

Tomorrow will be 7 years since my mom passed away.. and I still can't compose myself when I think about it. I don't think a person ever gets used to that kind of loss. I miss her often. I try to reverse the roles, as it is what I always tell others to do, but it's difficult not to grieve. I will always carry that hole inside my heart with me.. I sometimes hope that I can get over it.. and move on, but I don't want to move on.. the loss is a part of who I am. I think more appropriately that I just want to learn to accept the loss and live with it without so much pain when I think of my loss. I feel like sometimes I try to distract myself from deep emotions. I know I have a large degree of humor I call on to help with that. It's much more pleasant to laugh rather than cry. I have this strong exterior in front of my friends and family... and that's part of who I am also. I don't like depending on anyone else for support. I am more comfortable being that person...