Under my Hat

Ok.. so I'm an asshole... I push away my family.. my friends.. even the one I love.. although I'm still not quite sure how I did that...  and the few friends I do have left expect things to change...  I know that is probably never going to happen.. and I keep saying that.. it's just a matter of time before everyone gets tired of the way things are.. and goes away... it's ok though.. I have come to expect that....  I really don't know how to change who I am.. and the way I feel.. and I am not so certain I would want to... even if I could.  I wanted my life to be different for so long.. and when I found an opportunity to find happiness.. I gave it my all.. I now refuse to give in to allowing anyone to care deeply about me anymore.  I see even more pain and heartache in my future.. but I can only be what I am.  I feel like my life has seen its high point.. and I am just looking forward to retiring years from now.. and spending my final days alone.. I am fairly...

Yesterday I got some much needed rest.. but they called me in for today.. and I agreed to work. I got a call from my dad asking if we were going to come visit.. but I said that I wasn't going anywhere...  I haven't left the county for other than work purposes in several weeks now.. the last time was to pick up a bottle of wine.. I just don't want to visit anyone.. I don't want to allow anyone to be around me and see the mess I'm in.. ...and I won't lean on just anyone for support.  I woke up last night several times.. slept restlessly.. and just lay there for awhile until I finally fell back asleep.  I am not certain that I will ever get over this... one breakup (my divorce) ...is bad enough.. but two at once... is almost more than I can bare. I lay there for about an hour thinking about all the wonderful times I've had the past year... and I've shared more than I ever have... now that part is gone.. lost.. I won't allow myself to make the same mista...

I woke up this morning.. and my first thoughts were of not having to work today.. not of her..  is that a sign I'm starting to heal?  I sometimes feel anger and frustration that she has elected to shut me completely out of her life ... knowing that I care so much.. but refusing to share anything about what is going on.  I try to refuse to care.  I want to be able to not see her in most of the things I do.. I suppose that's why I play WoW... she didn't ever enter that realm of my life.. and it's there I can escape... let my mind wander away from how pathetic I've become.  I honestly don't have a clue what is happening with pretty much anyone aside from the two people I come in contact with on there...  No one else cares enough to share their time with me.  ...not that I have a lot of it anyway.. I've gotten 24 hours of overtime this week.. I think if they call me today.. I'll tell them I have plans.  My old yahoo is completely gone.. I still h...

I have come to the realization that I will continue to ramble... and I'm actually committed to living the rest of my life with just my memories feeding me. I am certain that I can't love anyone... and yet I still want the feeling of what I had for the past year.... that was actually enough for me... the problem is.. it wasn't enough for her.  ..and it had to end.  I am sorry that I couldn't be enough to keep it going... to be the one to give her all she needed. I guess I truly didn't know what she needed.  ...it was more than support.. more than to have someone who cared about her more than anyone else.  ...I even give her space now.. because she wants it.. she told me that so many times in the past couple of months. ...she has her space.  I still care deeply for her.. and I always will.  I genuinely hope that things are better for her now.  I don't want her to suffer.  ...but unfortunately life is about suffering.. I was a very happy.. eve...

If you are reading this.. I'm probably working.. I've been working late.. weekends.. so far this year, I have had over $15,000 in overtime alone.. and have racked up a few weeks in comp time.  My job has given me 2 performance bonuses on top of that... they think I'm that dedicated... the truth is.. I just need my mind occupied.. I sometimes rattle on about things... but that is what this blog is for.. it's a release for me to share my feelings.. at first it was only given to a few of my friends.. 4 or 5... but since then, the word has evidently spread.. because this blog isn't available for viewing by search... or by the general public... you have to have the URL.  ...so all the visitors have been people who have been given a door into my life.  There's nothing here that I regret saying... because it is all what I was feeling at the time.. and most of it I will continue to feel... It's a part of who I am..  I can't erase my thoughts.. all I can do is...

Evidently someone feels I am wasting my time "pining away for someone who has moved on" ...it's not like I really care what this person thinks.. but it seems as though some people might feel what I'm doing is lamenting over a lost love.  The fact is.. the love isn't lost...   if there is such a thing as love... then it has to be what I feel for her.  Yes.. I get dramatic sometimes... I might even lose myself in my rhetoric about how I am in pain... Right now, my pain defines me... it's all I can feel.  I don't expect many to understand,  but I told her a long time ago.. that I would forgive her.. even if she were to "stray" while we were together.... and I would forgive her...  the point is.. we weren't exactly together.  She has a problem with being able to face her feelings much of the time.   I don't know if she meant to fall out of love with me... or if what she felt... was more a freedom that I gave her... an escape.... I might...

I thought that if I blogged... I could work through my feelings more quickly.. getting them out there.. and being able to find a release. ..but it doesn't work all that well..  My feelings are as strong as they ever were. I don't know what I'm hoping for.. I am not sure what could happen to give me a lift out of this low place I am currently in...  I am not certain I really want out.  My memories are still real to me.. as real as anything else I can feel.  I am working between 20 and 30 hours each week of overtime at the moment.  It should help out with building a nest egg. I come in each day.. and what few days I don't work over.. I play WoW.  At least it's something to do.  I am still certain that I won't get over my feelings.  I know that logically, the hurt I feel will pass in time.. but I am not sure if that applies if a person refuses to let go.  I want to hold on... even if it is painful.  I know that people might say.. it wa...

I try to convence myself that I won't think about her.. that I can let her go. ...but how do you let go someone that you still love so much.  I try not to believe  in love... but so many of my thoughts go back to her.... wondering what she's doing.. if she's happy.. if everything is ok.  I can't help but care.  We went through a lot together.  To stop caring for her... is an impossibility. I see her in songs I hear.. in sights I see.. even in my thoughts.  I guess the song "Not over you" that I posted awhile back.. still fits totally.  I think if I ever loved anyone.. it is her.  So.... how do you stop loving someone that doesn't love you back.  ...I haven't figured out how to do that yet. I am not sure I ever will. I sometimes get tempted to log in.. or contact her.  ...but I know that's not what she needs.  I will just be where I'm not wanted. I won't pursue her anymore.. ever.  She's always known where I am.. and she el...

Here I sit.. on a bus.. knowing that I was supposed to be somewhere else this weekend. I want to be able to let things go... but I'm not able.  I never did anything wrong except love her too much.  I won't let myself do that again. I can't believe in love. I am  afraid to feel strongly anymore.. it is all just a blur to me now. The best I can hope for is some bright spots in my days where I can forget what has happened.  I can do that if I keep my mind occupied.  I find every little thing reminding me of how stupid I was for trusting feelings. I won't allow myself to do that again.  I won't be hurt..  or hurt someone else that much.  I would rather hurt.. or be hurt some.. now. I exist. That's all for now.

I want things to be different.  I really do... sometimes I think that I am going down the path of life in total darkness.. not having a clue what's about to spring out at me next. I hate feeling like I am expected to do something... and then not do it.  Right now.. I'm not making any plans for anything. I would love to be able to trust people.. or even myself.. but I can't.. I won't.  I will be this way for a long time.  I am afraid of being hurt again.. and of hurting someone else.  It seems that a lot of life is about hurt.  I was told that because I am a Gemini.. I would be hot one minutes.. and cold the next.  ...like I was two different people.  I can see that.. it's because I have so much conflict going on inside of me.  I know what I should do..  and what I want to do... and a lot of times.. that creates chaos in my mind.  I am finding it difficult to care too deeply about anyone now... even my daughters are having to suffer ...

If you look closely, you will notice that all my entries are either really late.. or really early.  ...I am still working 25 - 30 hours a week of overtime...  some weekends too... so I am not able to do much else...I will be working late tonight.. tomorrow night.. even this Saturday..  I use what time I'm not working to catch up on my gameplay on WoW.   By looking at the counter at the bottom, it looks like I am getting a lot of traffic.  I don't know if people are just happening on this site.. or how many other people have been told about it. I've only told 4 or 5 people.   I opened up the page for people to comment on my stupidity.. and naivity. I'm not afraid for anyone to see anything I've posted... it's all been what I'm feeling... honestly.. openly... just like I've tried to be.  I can't help but feel that it's going to be a long time before I am really able to be completely open...one on one. I still feel hurt.. betrayed... I...

It would be nice.. if the world were in black and white.. with no shades of gray. Things are either right.. or their wrong.  Good or bad.. but the world isn't like that.. and neither are people. I am glad I have a person or two in my life to support me now... those that go the extra mile to show that they truly care as a friend.  Even when I am down on myself and my life... I am shown that someone cares enough to be there. I push people away because I refuse to trust. I still don't trust people.. nor myself... at least not after what I thought I felt before.. only to have been shown that I don't have a clue about the workings of other people.  Sometimes I wish I could wave a magic wand and things would be ok again... but I know that's not going to happen. I want life to be all sunshine and rainbows... but it's mainly all brown and shitty. I am thankful for the people who don't allow me to give up on life.. and actively seek to be a part of it.  I ...

It gets no easier... if anything it gets worse each day.  I realize that I am damaged goods. I won't trust anything I might feel for someone else. I know that I can fool myself into thinking they might actually care about me.  ...but no more. I realize that there is no reason for me to expect anyone to love me. I just know that I'm not going to try anymore either.  I can't survive another time like this.. I'm not completely certain I'm going to survive this one.  I don't know how long I will feel this way.. I think the logical part of me.. will help me to remember this feeling.. and I won't ever allow myself to love anyone like I love her.  I cannot make the same mistake again.. I don't know exactly what she felt for me.. but I am certain now.. it wasn't love.   Love doesn't end. You don't just stop loving someone.  She's hurt me more than I ever even thought possible. I still lie awake at night and cry myself to sleep.  I am angry ...

I think that the worst thing.. is knowing that I've lost my best friend.  Best friends are people who can share most anything.. can trust each other with anything and know that they will understand.  Sometimes best friends hurt each other.. but it's because of the truth... not because things are kept from them. I know she just didn't want to hurt me.. but I would much have preferred her to be open.. and honest with me from the beginning about what she wanted...  yes.. it would have hurt.   But not as much as it does now.. if she had told me..  I could trust her at least.   Now.. she gets added to a long line of people.. who couldn't tell me the truth.. because they didn't want to "hurt me" ... or maybe she just couldn't deal with the decisions she was making.. I don't really know. She closed herself to me awhile back.  I felt it.. and I tried to pry my way back in.. I shouldn't have done that.  I have very, very few people I wi...

I know she needs her space.. she told me so.. even with all that has happened.. I think she is afraid..  she thinks that I would leave her sooner or later.. I understand why she was pushing me away.. I understand.. it does hurt.. and always will..  but I DO understand.  I think she needs this... but.. I don't.. I am not leaving..   ..or moving on.. because I know who I am.. and what I feel... I refuse to be something I'm not.. and I am still in love with her..  I always will be. The thing that hurts me most now.. is being ignored.. Maybe she's doing it.. because she can't face what I have to say.. the things I'm saying.. are too much truth at the moment.  That's ok.. I will be here..  I don't contact her.. because she needs that space.. and she knows where I am.  I can't force anyone to love me.. or even care.. but I feel that she DOES care.. she's just trying to "stick her head in the sand" right now.. and occupy herself..   I co...

This song says it ALL.

Ok.. so it's 2:10.. and I still can't sleep.. my heart is racing.. and my body won't let me sleep.  Right now.. I almost feel as though I'll never sleep again.  Am I over-reacting?.. maybe.  I just hurt at the moment.. things I already suspected.. have come to be true. It's difficult to think I had something so special.. something that would last.. to find out that it wasn't as special to her.. something she could toss aside for someone else.  Yes... I can only think of two questions at the moment... Does she want intimacy with me??  .. no.. Does she want intimacy with him?? ..yes.. I can't change how she feels.. it's just that way.. so now I need to cope with it. I really do want to support her.  No matter what her feelings for me now.. I still love her. I always will.. no matter what she does to me. No matter how much I hurt.. and want to believe that what we had.. was the type of love that always lasts..  ...I feel a rejection that I have only felt ...

I sometimes look back at what we shared.. and wonder how it ended for her.. I realize that we were so close.. and I wanted to be all she needed.. but I know that I wasn't enough.. It hurts when I know that I am not the most intimate person in her life anymore.. that she doesn't want that with me.. but instead.. with someone else.   I will support her in that.. it's all I can do.. if that makes her happy.   One day, perhaps, she'll realize that she will never find anyone that will love her as much as I do.. and she'll be able to come back to me.. maybe someday I can be ...enough for her.

My spouse and I talked yesterday for hours... we were trying to get things worked out.. about how things would go when I moved out.  I told her that at first... I would stay near.. or at least close enough that my daughters could count on me to be there whenever they wanted to see me. She did let me know that she would be able to move on.. after I told her that I wanted her to be happy.. and that was one of my main concerns. She deserves to find someone that can relate with her.. and be with her in a supportive way.  Someone she has things in common with. I know she's been nothing but great throughout this whole thing. I figure that once I move out.. we will remain good friends.. that's what she wants. She realizes that she and I have grown up since we got married.. and once we've matured.. we realize that we both want completely different things.  My oldest.. knows what's going to happen... she let my spouse know that she doesn't want to know anything else.. until ...

So... I've disabled everything.. removed myself from everyone that I have been in contact with online.. and disabled comments here.  I will leave this as an outlet for some of the things that go through my head in the years to come.. but I know that now I am certain to be alone. I don't want any relationship with anyone else.  I will continue to hold her in my heart.. what's left of it.  I feel like my world doesn't really exist anymore. I refuse to allow myself to move on. I am not certain what will happen over time with my life, but I figure to move out of here in the Spring.. and then find a small place where I can continue to work and support my daughters. I was so certain of things just a few months ago.. and now I realize that I was the only one who thought that way.  I think that she felt like ending it awhile back because she was thinking that I would end it sooner or later.  Sometimes we care about someone so much, we smother them.. we "trap" them....

I know that some of you wonder where I've been... well.. I realize that I can never care for someone as greatly as I have for her.. and it wasn't enough... I don't have anything else in me.. thank you to all those people who have supported me.. but I will never stop loving her.. and I can't be online anymore.. yahoo.. M&F.. anywhere.. I have terminated my yahoo account and deleted my ability to log into it. I am not ever logging into my M&F or shack account to terminate or anything else with them...  Thank you again.. and I hope you all have a nice life. Goodbye..